Hedonism is the pursuit of or devotion to pleasure, particularly pleasure of the senses or pure sexual pleasure or sheer ecstasy. In other words, get as much pleasure, and as little pain as you can while you are on this big blue marble hurtling through space.
A sound philosophy, if you ask me.
If you want to see hedonism in action, look at the luckiest son of a bitch to ever walk this earth: Mr. Hugh Hefner.
Hef knows what it’s all about. Pussy and pleasure. Have you seen him with his SEVEN twenty-something year old girlfriends? Have you noticed he hasn’t changed out of his pajamas for the past fifty years? Have you ever seen him without a smile on his face? Yeah, Hugh’s got it right.
Imagine being Hugh Hefner in 1996. You’re turning seventy. You have a mansion full of the hottest, sluttiest bitches on the planet. But, at seventy, erections are hard (pardon the pun) to cum by, even if it’s Anna Nicole Smith wrapping her fat tatters around L’il Hef.
Then they release Viagra on us. Suddenly, Hugh is right back on top again. For a brief moment, it looked like Hugh was on his way down and out. But now, thanks to that wonderful little blue pill, he’s had another fifteen years of fucking with gorgeous twenty-somethings.
Every major celebrity you can think of has spent time at the Playboy Mansion, just trying to get a taste of some of Hugh’s cake. Leonardo Dicaprio spent months there after Titanic made him a super-star. James Caan, a huge celebrity in the seventies, spent a YEAR living at the mansion. Rumor has it he nailed all twelve Playmates of the Month, and the Playmate of the Year.
But you know Hugh had them all first. Everyone gets Hugh’s sloppy seconds at the mansion. Believe that.
That’s why, when people ask me if I could be anyone in history, I always say Hugh’s twenty year old son Cooper. If you think Hugh gets laid at eighty-five, how much pussy do you think his twenty year old son gets? The answer is: A LOT.
But enough about Hef and his incredible lucky son Cooper. Let’s get back to Hedonism.
Hedonism is the philosophy most teenagers have, even though they don’t know that’s what they’re doing. I know when I was seventeen, all I wanted to do was eat, nap, fuck, watch TV, go to movies, masturbate to porn, and avoid physical labor at all costs. I assume little has changed for the kids these days. Unfortunately, when these kids (and I) get kicked out of our parent’s house, we will find out very quickly that hedonism costs a lot of money. Without mom and dad putting the roof over your head, paying for the food, and providing the internet to masturbate with, you’re going to have to get a job to get it for yourself.
It’s a hard truth, and one I’m not looking forward to when mom and dad kick me out of their house next year, on my fortieth birthday.
1. Marlon Brando likes Hedonism. He gets Big Macs flown to his private tropical island.
2. Larry prefers Hedonism to ditch digging.
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