A harem is a collection of lovers, which are available to be used by one person. It is a pretty sweet setup for the sheiks and sultans and whatever the fuck leaders that get to have them. In doing some research for harems, I learned about a guy named Sultan Moulay Ismail. He had 500 concubines in his harem, with whom he had 889 children. If you do the math, that means he had to have sex with an average of 5 women per day for 40 years.
Pretty fucking awesome, Sultan Moulay. Should call you Sultan More-lay with those sorts of numbers.
The best thing about having a harem is that if some bitch is being bitchy, or on her rag, or won’t give up the shitter, you just pick another woman. Preferably, a younger, tighter, hotter woman. Obviously, having a harem requires a great deal of money. You have to house, feed, and cloth all the ladies in style, as well as setting up guards. Namely, poor assholes known as eunuchs.
I can understand the theory. You don’t want the guards in charge of watching yo bitches to be tappin’ them while you’re off doing something. What’s the logical thing to do? Castrate all the guards. How’d you like to be on duty when that decision was handed down?
Sultan: Hey, Guard, come here.
Guard: Yes, Sultan?
Sultan: Get all your men together. We’re going to give you all a special operation.
Guard: Yes, Sultan. What sort of operation?
Sultan: We’re going to castrate every one of you.
Guard: Castrate?
Sultan: Yup.
Guard: OK. Let me go get everyone.
(After ten minutes, the Sultan looks out the window to see what’s taking so long. He sees the Guard he was talking to running off in the distance at top speed, holding his balls as he sprints away.)
Apparently being a eunuch was a prized position. You were considered to be an elite class, and were well paid and respected by all the other soldiers. Still not worth it, if you ask me. I’d take a lower paying job and keep my balls right where they are.
In a lot of ways, the harem is similar to the setup many animals have in nature. The Southern Elephant Seal, for example. All the males fight, and the last seal standing becomes The Beachmaster. All the females become part of his harem, and only he is permitted to fuck them. Of course, by the time he’s beaten every other seal for the right to be Beachmaster, he’s often too fucked up to have sex. And even if he can, their copulations only last around a minute. Hardly worth it, Beachmaster.
Hugh Hefner has the best modern harem in the world. The hottest bitches on earth all live with him in the mansion, and he says who gets to fuck them. Hefner is the bossest Beachmaster of them all. Long live the Hef!
1. Tiger Woods tried to keep his harem a secret from his wife.
2. All the ladies in the Sheik’s harem talked about his premature ejaculation behind his back.
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