The Han Solo is a euphemism for masturbating. It is called the Han Solo because you’re using your hand (Han), and you’re usually alone (Solo). Straight forward and pretty funny.
I’m a huge fan of episodes 4-6 of the Star Wars franchise. So, when I was given the “Han Solo” to write about, it got me thinking about all the lines Han gives in the movies that could be considered sexual, if they were looked at in that way. Here’s a short list of lines Han gives that are quite sexual, if you think about them:
“Sorry about the mess.”
“Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell.”
“She might not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”
“And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.”
“Hurry up Golden Rod!”
“I must have his it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?”
“Back door, huh? Good idea.”
“Hey Luke – thanks for coming after me. Now I owe you one.”
“Grab me, Chewie. I’m slipping – hold on. Grab it. Almost! You almost got it. Gently now, alright. Easy, easy, hold me Chewie. Chewie!”
I suppose it shouldn’t have surprised me that the dialogue was so sexual. Lucas wrote in some hot brother/sister sexual tension after all. He’s got an open mind.
But, let’s talk about masturbation.
Back when my dad first brought home our first copy of “Return of the Jedi”, it was a great day for me. I was thirteen and was masturbating at least three times a day. Until he brought Jedi home, I was forced to use our copy of “Back to School” with Rodney Dangerfield to whack off to. Basically the scene where he’s hot-tubbing with some topless women. It was before the internet, and a dark time for young masturbators everywhere.
Anyway, now that we had Jedi in the VHS collection, I knew my masturbation sessions would improve. There was obviously Leia in her gold bikini. That was huge. I still pop a chubby when I see women dressed up in the gold bikini for Halloween. But there was also the green dancer that performs for Jabba before he kills her. She’s got great boobs, and one actually pops out of her top, if you freeze-frame it at the right time.
Yes. I was Han Soloing it a lot back then. It always made me climax when Boba Fett falls into the vagina-esque mouth of Sarlacc. My favorite character going head-first into a giant pussy? It worked for me.
Too personal? Sorry. May the Force be with you.
1. Mark spent a long time getting lap dances from the hottest stripper at the raunchiest adult club in town. When he got home, he pulled a quick Han Solo and went to sleep beside his gross, snoring wife.
2. Since Princess Leia was the only woman in the galaxy, everyone was finding alone time to give themselves a little Han Solo.
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