The gaydar became a popular phenomenon and it became a bit of a game, to try to guess who was gay and who wasn’t. Stereotypes for fags and dykes grew as people tried to pinpoint what signs and characteristics gays and lesbians had that ‘gave them away’. People were trying to decide if someone’s lisp was overly defined or if another person’s hand gestures were too flamboyant. Women with short hair were deemed ‘dykey’.

Then came all the TV shows with out gay characters. Will and Grace. My So-Called Life. Queer as Folk. The L Word. Six Feet Under. Sugar Rush. Glee. Modern Family.

And then came the out gay celebrities. Ellen Degeneres. Portia de Rossi. Neil Patrick Harris. Jodie Foster. Elton John. KD Lang. Jane Lynch.

So at this point, while you obviously can’t tell just by looking at a person if they’re straight or queer or somewhere in between, but since more people are living their lives out of the closet, most of the time you don’t have to guess. People are much more open about their sexuality and society is beginning to show more acceptance. We have far to go, but we are moving forward.

1. My dad had no idea I was gay, the whole time I was growing up. It took him catching me fucking my third boyfriend on the desk in his study for him to finally get it, and even then he was hoping it was ‘just a phase’. I had to be all, ‘Dad, I’m thirty-four and this is the third boyfriend I’ve brought home for thanksgiving. We have sex. That’s what it means to have a boyfriend.’ and he was like, ‘well son, I always thought these boys you brought home for visits were just friends who happened to be boys.’ Oh my god Dad. Could you be any more homoblivious?

2. My boyfriend is totally homoblivious. He can never tell when men are hitting on him; he just assumes all these ‘straight guys’ want to be his ‘friend’. Last weekend we went to a dinner party and one of the dudes there was so obviously gay and so obviously hitting on my boyfriend. He even went so far as to feed my boyfriend grapes. At the end of the night my boy was all ‘wow, that Anthony guy was really nice. We should totally have him and his girlfriend over for a games night.’ Really? REALLY? Jesus GAY Christ, how fucking naive can you get?

RELATED TERMS:

Gaydar

Homosexual

On hump day, you can make it special. You can come home and take a bubble bath with your significant other. You can bring home freshly cut roses and light candles and get your tits all nicely soaped up. You can rub each other’s backs in the tub or maybe massage each other’s feet. When you’re finished soaking and relaxing those sore muscles you can climb out of the tub and dry each other off. Then move on over to the bed where you can lick each other for the rest of the night. It might be a good night to bring out some extra special toys and some cute outfits. It’s probably not the best night for food or sauces or chocolate pudding just because you won’t really feel like having to change the sheets after all of that, especially since you likely have an eight a.m. meeting. But otherwise you can hump in bed, on the kitchen floor, or on the dining room table. Put on some porn and have him fuck you from behind while you’re watching other ladies get fucked from behind. Or put on some porn and you can fuck him from behind while he watched other dudes or other ladies getting fucked from behind. There are all kinds of options for hump day.

The only thing that has the potential to ruin hump day is if you have kids. Screaming whiny sticking kids who always need something from you, who demand all of your attention and energy, and who basically give nothing back in return. You may want to consider getting a babysitter and checking into a motel on Wednesday nights. Or perhaps you can designate Wednesday nights as Sleepover at Grandma’s! nights. That’s probably for the best since it would be a pain in the ass to lug all of your sex toys (including the swing) to a motel every week, plus that all adds up for one expensive hump day.

1. I can’t wait to go home and hump the shit out of my wife. I love hump day!

2. I hate being single. Everyone is so fucking excited when hump day rolls around and they get to go home and fuck their wife or husband. I just get to go home to a TV dinner and the potential for choking to death on my food and not having anyone find me for a week.

RELATED TERMS:

Fuck

Sex

There really is no correlation between attractive people and decent lovers. The majority of people I’ve been with have not been stereotypically ‘attractive’. I’ve found them very sexy, but probably not a lot of people would and it’s unlikely that most would acquire hotness hypnosis over them. But because they weren’t relying on their looks, they tried very hard to please in bed and were quite successful. They spent a lot of extra time and care on me and my body and my pleasure. I, in turn, did the same for them as I don’t think of myself as having any kind of hot hypnosis power. If I did I’d probably never leave the house, I’d just post photos of myself on the internet with my address and wait for the line up to form outside my apartment for all those hundreds of people who would obviously want to fuck me. But there’s no line up outside my door and I’m not an idiot. I know that hotness fades anyway and in order to gain real and serious attraction to another person (the kind that’s sustainable, anyway), you have to get to know them. Like, you can fuck someone a few times just because they’re unbelievably hot, but if there’s nothing under the surface that you find remotely interesting or unique, it’s not going to last. You’re going to get bored. There are plenty of hot people that we can stare at and drool over. But after awhile they all blur together in our heads and we really can’t remember why we thought they were that hot in the first place. There’s just no sustainability in the physical. Plus, we’re all going to grow old and every day is a day closer to death, so we might as well search for something that’s under the surface that we can connect with and grow with.

1. Hotness hypnosis is a bit like highway hypnosis. If you’re in a car and you see someone super hot, you’re more likely to crash, just like when you fall asleep behind the wheel on the highway.

2. She’s giving me hotness hypnosis. I know she’s never heard of Martin Luther King, but she’s just so fucking hot, I’ve got to bang her.

RELATED TERMS;

Arousal

Gets More Ass Than A Toilet Seat

Hooking up often refers to people having sex with someone that they’ve just met, like at a bar or something, or it will refer to a booty call. The best hook ups are the spontaneous ones where you never quite know when it’s going to happen and then you’re out with some friends and you spot a hot dude who is totally checking you out and you make eyes and eye flirt with him until you know that he knows what’s going on. Then you excuse yourself and walk slowly to the washroom with your eyes still on him knowing that he’ll notice you and be into you and watch you go into the ladies room and he’ll follow you and the two of you will end up making out in one of the stalls and he’ll totally finger your wet pussy and it will be an awesomely hot hook up.

I’ve hooked up with the odd person at clubs. I’ve only had one really great experience and the others were…well…meh. Most of the guys I’ve hooked up with have been kind of gross kissers, like all slimy tongue and slippery wet lips and they always want to stuff their tongue deep in my mouth, like all the way to the back of my throat. I’ve never quite understood that compulsion. My eighth grade boyfriend kissed the same way. I didn’t know that kissing could be awesome until I was in my early twenties because all the guys I kissed always wanted to cut off my air supply with their tongue. I just kind of went with it assuming that I just wasn’t that into kissing. Then I hooked up with this one guy and we made out like crazy and he was an amazing kisser. Only used his tongue at the exact right moments. He just had the instinct for it. He was incredible. Then I hooked up with this girl who was absolutely beautiful and had frizzy curly hair and freckles and we used to make out like crazy at the local gay bar and it was like the rest of the dancers, all the queens and adorable fags, would just fade away and it was just us clinging desperately to each other’s bodies, trying to clutch at skin and curves and pressing out lips against each other and holding on tight. She was by far the best hook up I’ve ever had.

1. I totally hooked up with your sister last night. Her pussy tastes like olives and feta cheese.

2. Last time I hooked up with anyone people were still making jokes about being into bush but against George Bush. I guess it’s been years. Oh man do I ever miss burying my face in a nice thick bush.

RELATED TERMS:

Fuck

Sex

A typical hood rat might be seeing wearing a hoodie and Adidas pants, skinny jeans with an oversized daffy duck shirt, a blonde or red weave, cut off shorts that show her ass cheeks, a sports jersey as a dress, or a wife beater. She may exhibit plenty of bling, but don’t let the shiny jewelry fool you – it’s definitely fake. She’s usually chewing gum and has greasy hair and her socks (if she’s wearing any) are almost always mismatched. She’ll likely have tattoos of baby daddies all over her, and maybe a baby Jesus too.

Don’t be confused by your average run of the mill ho-bag, slut, or whore. Hood rats also do nothing but fuck dudes, but they also get super high and are basically alcoholics and they tend not to shower all that often so they’re pretty skeezy for the most part. Not a first choice for fucking. They’re prime candidates for both lice and genital herpes and they’re not known for prioritizing birth control so if you fuck a hood rat you’re likely going to have a little rat baby at some point. The other thing to keep in mind is that plenty of ho-bags and sluts and whores are highly educated and intelligent and can actually hold their own in an intellectual debate and are likely to have decent careers and nice homes and sweet families. Hood rats on the other hand probably dropped out of high school and their longest stint as employed contributing members of society was that three months they worked at Burger King and during that time they would have had an extra layer of grease lining their skinny or fat bodies (yes, hood rats are either ridiculously skinny or fatty fatty fat fat). These chicks are usually pretty dense. They speak in text language and they often forget how to spell LOL.

Fact: Hood rats are not really good in bed. They kind of just lie there or they pound away at your cock but with a weird rhythm that makes it hard to get off. Usually they’re just looking for something to eat and a joint.

1. Did you see Shaniqua? She was totally grinding with that dude on the dance floor and he was feeling her ass and lifting up her skirt and I totally caught a glimpse of her bare ass. She’s such a fucking hood rat.

2. That whore totally stole Derek from me and now she’s fucking him in my Grandmother’s house. She may be my sister, but she’s a total slut and a hood rat. I hope she catches AIDS when he date rapes her.

RELATED TERMS:

Hole In One

Slut

Being a hobosexual is not necessarily a bad thing, though a lot of people (including my long-term lover, who is constantly trying to convince me not to leave our apartment in my pajamas) seem to believe it is. I still manage to get laid in spite of my hobo tendencies, which just proves that everyone needs to find someone who accepts them for who they are. The trick is to sometimes dress up so that you remind them how incredibly hot you actually are under the track suit and the oversized Value Village jacket and the unwashed greasy hair. Once every few weeks you’ve got to shave and pull on some sexy tights and a little skirt and some John Fluevog heels and a low cut blouse and get some colour on your face and curl your hair and brush your teeth and step out of the bathroom leaving a cloud of glorious perfume behind you and do your very best to show off that hot wagon you’re dragging. Take your lover to a nice restaurant and give her eyes while you drink your wine. Leave a lipstick mark on the glass and on his hand when you kiss it. Lean in to listen to all her funny stories so that your cleavage is so obvious it becomes palpable, this living breathing thing. Then take your lover home and fuck his brains out. Let him carve the tights off your body with his pocket knife. Let her bury her face into your freshly shaved pussy. Come as hard as you can.

Then, the next day, you can leave your pajamas on all day and even leave the house in them and your lover won’t even notice. He’ll be blind to your hobo-ness once again.

1. I’m more of a hobosexual when I’m in a relationship. I don’t really like to shower.

2. My boyfriend’s a total hobosexual. He wears the same jeans every day. Yesterday he took them off and they walked themselves back into the closet.

RELATED TERMS:

Leanne 

Slore

This happens all the time. People constantly disappear when they start dating someone and sooner or later their face ends up on a milk carton. It’s especially annoying when that person is a close friend of yours. You used to see each other two or three times a week and suddenly you might see them once a month and only with their significant other and they both look into each other’s eyes all googly like and finish each other’s sentences and only talk about how much fun they’ve been having and all the awesome things they’ve been doing together and it basically turns into such an annoying night that you want to punch them both in the face and you actually leave early saying that you aren’t feeling very well only to join your other friends who are at a bar down the street so you can drink your face off with people who actually have more to talk about than themselves.

It’s annoying. It’s gross. People shouldn’t do it.

If you’re friends with someone who has begun to hiberdate, you need to nip that shit in the bud ASAP. As soon as they start to disappear you need to take them out for coffee and say, look dude, you’re my friend. I value our friendship. This chick that you’re into, she seems cool. But you’ve only known her a few weeks. You and I have been friends for fifteen years. Obviously you’re going to spend more time with her than with me right now and I get that. She’s blowing you, I get it. But remember that you have a much bigger likelihood of ending up with me in your life and not her. She could be ‘the one’, but she’s more likely a speed bump that gets you to slow down and notice her for a while. So don’t fucking ditch out on me completely and please, for the love of fucking Vishnu, please don’t start finishing her sentences or let her finish yours. Don’t be gross, okay?

That’s what you’ve gotta do. Otherwise you’ll find yourself in a pub one night drinking pint after pint and wishing you could bust your glass and draw the sharp edge along your wrists so you don’t have to watch your friend and his girlfriend make creepy pasty love to each other with their eyes.

1. She’s completely disappeared, now that she’s dating Chris. They just stay in every night and watch movies and eat soup or Chinese take-out together. Sometimes he rubs her feet. God, they’re fucking disgusting. If I was going to hiberdate I’d at least pick somebody good looking to go out with.

2. You know you’re hiberdating when you say this exact sentence; I can’t go out, I’ve got warm soup belly.

RELATED TERMS:

Monogamous

Sex Addict

There are definitely some heteroflexible men out there as well. Men who are pretty much straight but would be willing to get a blow job from another dude, either under dire circumstances (no women around for miles) or just because they’re curious about how well a guy can suck another guy off. There are other mostly straight men out there who just happen to love a nice cock. Every so often, like maybe once or twice a year they just need to get down on their knees and wrap their mouths around a huge stiff one-eye. But for the most part, they love fucking and eating pussy.

I don’t know a lot of totally straight women, though I do know a few. But two out of three of the straightest women I know have had sexual relationships with woman, and one of them actually lived with her girlfriend for three years. For the last two years she wasn’t having anything to do with licking pussy but she was totally fine with having her girlfriend eat her out on a daily basis. This particular friend may have fucked a girl for three years but at this stage in her life she loves cock so much a man she had a one-night-stand with recently said he loved how much she respected his cock.

A lot of people feel have a hard time embracing their sexual ‘flexibility’ because there’s so much homophobia in society. Which is a shame really because sex in all forms is pretty fun and if you’re a dude you should really try suck a cock at least once in your life or consider having your own cock sucked by another dude. And every woman should taste another woman’s pussy at least once in her life.

1. My boyfriend’s heteroflexible. He won’t admit it, but when I go away on business trips he and his best friend take baths together and wash each other’s backs. Apparently they don’t touch each other’s dicks or touch their dicks together, but it’s pretty homo if you ask me.

2. I’m heteroflexible. I mostly dig guys but ever so often I like to push a girl’s face into my pussy, just for fun.

RELATED TERMS:

Bisexual

Lesbian

So herpes are cold sores on your man junk or lady parts. It’s a pretty fucking common STI as STIs go, so don’t freak out if you’ve got it. And whatever you do, don’t go onto one of those Internet forums where people talk about ‘their experiences with herpes’. All you will read about are the thousands of idiots out there who think that getting genital herpes is the end of their sex lives. Given that approximately one out of six people in the United States has the herpes infection, you’ve likely already fucked someone with herpes and just didn’t know it. Or you’ve already got it, don’t know it, and are fucking other people, passing it around like the common cold.

Fun Fact #1: HSV-1 and HSV-2 are passed between people when they have open sores, but they can also be transferred when one doesn’t appear to have an open sore. Which is how a lot of people end up with herpes. They’re either passing it on to someone unknowingly because they’ve never had an outbreak or they’re passing it on to someone between outbreaks.

Fun Fact #2: HSV-1 more commonly causes infections of the mouth and lips, so cold sores on the mouth. HSV-1 infection of the genitals can be caused by oral-genital contact with a person who has the HSV-1 infection. Genital HSV-1 outbreaks recur less regularly than genital HSV-2 outbreaks.

If you end up with herpes, don’t freak out. You may end up with a nasty outbreak of sores on your junk or lady bits, and you may have to pee in the bathtub filled with lukewarm water and you’ll probably have to take antibiotics for a year or two to get it under control and when your immune system is down and you’re fighting off a flu you may end up with an outbreak again, but don’t worry. Tons of people are dealing with this every day and those people are continuing to have hot sex with awesome lovers. Herpes isn’t curable – you’ll always have the herpes strain/virus in your body, but the antiviral medications you can take can shorten and prevent outbreaks. Just try not to fuck when you have raging sores all over your dick or pussy. Otherwise, don’t let this get in the way of your life.

1. I’ve got the herp.

2. The first time I got a herpes outbreak I thought my dick was going to fall off. Now look at me – six months later and I’m fucking my girlfriend like a champ.

RELATED TERMS:

Condom

HIV/AIDS

Happy trails are most often found on women of Eastern European decent. If you’re German, you’re likely going to end up with some hairy on your lower belly, and there’s a good chance that hair is going to be dark. If you’re lucky, you’ll just have some soft peach fuzz in that area, and even if it’s dark it won’t be particularly noticeable. That’s if you’re lucky.

So we all have hair in places we’d rather not have hair, but the question remains – why are we so animatedly against it? When we were clearly born with it, why are we so obsessed with getting rid of it. Since pretty much everything we do is based on getting laid, it’s obvious that we get rid of our body hair to attract people you want to have sex with. And since the ideal body type has been deemed hairless by our society (I don’t know why this has happened, but it’s certainly NOT convenient for any of us), we will continue to do just about anything we can to remove that hair.

What’s weird is that not everyone seems to have a personal problem with body hair, but somehow we have this society that consistently makes people feel like they’re freaks if they have body hair or if they don’t mind the body hair on others. It’s the same with body fat. While yes we have an obesity issue in our society, the majority of concern over that issue has little to do with health. If it did, we would be focusing on healthy lifestyles and healthy eating and exercise, not creepy restrictive diets or pills and we certainly would worry a lot more about thin people than we currently do because as we know, just because one is of ‘normal or average’ weight, doesn’t make one healthy.

But in society, we are currently obsessed with one very specific body type that actually cannot be achieved with severe body modification and airbrushing. In other words, it actually simply cannot be achieved. So that poor happy trail that exists for so many women is not that happy because it’s constantly being made to feel horrible for its very existence.

1. My happy trail used to make me happy until I realized that no one wanted to fuck me because of it. Then it started to make me sad.

2. My happy trail leads my lover to the happiest place on earth, my cock. And eventually my taint.

RELATED TERMS:

Cock

Pubic Hair