A Dutch Sea Wife is a slang term for an inflatable vagina especially popular in the 1950′s, used for masturbation by men. It is designed to look like a real vagina, and once inflated and filled with heated lube, feels like a real vagina. The reason they call it a sea wife is because many sailors or other men that would be without female company for months or years at a time, used them as sex aids until they got back to shore/civilization. I think we can all understand that, can’t we guys?

Sure we can.

As a man, I love to masturbate. And I’ve been on a daily masturbation schedule since I was thirteen. My hand still does the trick, even though I’ve used it probably a million times in my life. But that’s probably because I have the internet porn and occasional girlfriend to give my sex life some variety. If I was at sea for a year with no internet porn and no girlfriend, I’d definitely need something to give me some masturbatory variety. Especially if I was surrounded by a crew of other really horny men. Before I started hanging out on the poop deck a little too long in the moonlight, I’d definitely get myself a Dutch Sea Wife and lock myself in the bathroom until my sexual urges had passed.

It’d be a must for any man that’s going to be without any real pussy for an extended period of time. I was recently watching a BBC documentary about these two dudes that got sent to Antarctica to study penguins. They show the two guys getting dropped off with their gear, and them all gung-ho about their assignment. Then they showed them at the end of their year-long exile on the big ice cube. They were both barely able to hide their hatred for each other and for the penguins they used to love. All they wanted was to get back to the land of warm blooded vaginas. And who can blame them?! I think the only reason they didn’t find them both dead was because they had brought along a couple Dutch Sea Wives and had satellite internet for masturbating.

The best thing about the Dutch Sea Wife is the easy clean up. Because it’s made of plastic and has no machinery or moving parts, all you have to do, once you’ve squirted your man milk inside, is clean it out with some hot soap and water. Make sure you have somewhere good to hide it, though. You don’t want your roommate to find it and show everyone that you got the extra small model because you’ve got a tiny wiener.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t think there are any small dicks. Only loose pussies.

1. When I was accepted into the monastery, I bought myself a Dutch Sea Wife and a huge tube of warming sex lube.

2. My Dutch Sea Wife’s name is Sophie.

RELATED TERMS:

Lube

Masturbation