To ‘get more ass than a toilet seat’ refers to getting laid, specifically to a promiscuous man, though I’m sure we can stretch this definition to include promiscuous people in general. Toilet seats get a whole lot of ass, and so do promiscuous people. The ‘ass’ part of this statement generally refers to ladies, because of this tendency we have to reduce women to body parts.
Anyway, it just means that somebody’s getting a ton of action. Which always makes me jealous, no matter how much action I’m getting myself. This is likely because throughout most of my twenties I didn’t get a whole pile of action and the weeks and months (and yes, sometimes years) felt desolate and deprived of life and love and booty and most of that time I felt mildly unattractive and kind of like a sad little critter who just can’t find a home anywhere, especially in anyone’s pants.
So people who have so much ass that even toilet seats are jealous get me all retroactively jealous, even though I’m in a pretty kick ass partnership where my toilet seat is, frankly, jealous of me.
Getting laid seems to be the way that we rate ourselves as worthy in society. At least those of us who haven’t given ourselves to Jesus or being a crazy academic or someone who just wants to invent things and patent them. Most of us are kind of vain and shallow and getting a lot of tail makes us feel like tons of people want us and think we’re desirable and sexy and worthy and better than others. A lot of the way we act, usually unknowingly, is the result of deep-seeded insecurity and the desire to be loved and accepted. It’s hard to feel accepted in our society, it’s hard to feel like we can be special without having someone else say that through the act of that person putting their genitals against our genitals and rubbing away.
So life gets awkward. And competitive. We feel pitted against our friends when we’re out in the bar and your just not feeling like a socialite while your best friend is making out with someone they just met. Some people retaliate by trying to out number their friends while others (and this has definitely always been my approach) end up allowing themselves to retreat further and deeper into shadows. We are all so desperate to connect, to feel loved and be loved, to feel like we’re allowed to take up space. The insecurities are palpable. It’s actually a little scary. A friend of mine used to say that all of us are walking around bleeding all the time and just barely able to keep our insecurities and issues from spilling out all over everyone we meet. It’s true. Humans are emotionally vulnerable ticking time bombs.
1. I can’t believe he’s going home with that chick. He gets more ass than a toilet seat.
2. I wish my toilet seat was jealous of all the ass I was getting, instead of the other way around.
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