A gate massage is a Transportation Security Administration (TSA) pat-down with a ‘happy landing’. You get pulled into a room with no windows and a spunky lady guard gets you to stand still with your arms out and your legs spread. She runs her hands all over your body, patting you down, trying to see if you’ve stored anything under your pants or your hoodie. Then she gets to your junk. If you’re lucky, she’ll request that you take your pants off and she’ll slide her hand down the back of your tightie whities just to wedge her fingers between your ass cheeks.
The first time I got a gate massage I was flying out of Houston. This security guard thought I looked suspicious or something (I’m guessing it was either my handlebar mustache or my giant trench coat) and she pulled me aside. She asked me if I wanted the full body scan or the pat down. Even though I’m into full body scans (I’m planning on buying a scanner off of ebay as soon as I get a raise. Once I get it I’m going to start fucking my girlfriend inside the scanner), it had been awhile since I’d had a hot chick’s hands on my body. So I opted for the pat down. She brought me into a room with no windows and just told me to stand there, that someone would be with me in a few minutes. About ten minutes later there was a knock on the door. A huge man entered. He was at least a foot taller than me and at least eighty pounds heavier and it was all muscle. I started to panic. He whipped me around and before I knew it his hands were down my pants. I expected to be super creeped out but I could feel myself getting hard. I couldn’t help it. The dude was ripped and he was obviously into me. He had his hands all over me, pawing at my junk. When it was over he slipped me his business card with his phone number.
When I told my girlfriend about it she said I was probably gay and she started crying. I tried to convince her that I wasn’t but I ended up convincing her that we should totally call that dude up and have him over for a threesome. For you, I said, I want to do this for you. She perked up and we called him over. We had some wine and got high. Then he fucked my ass while my girlfriend curled up in a corner and cried. When it was over I told her that things weren’t going to work out between us, but we could always be friends.
1. Getting a gate massage is basically like having your mother-in-law hug you in your special place.
2. The next time I get a gate massage I’m going to make sure I don’t have that balloon of coke wedged up my ass.
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