The first time I got a gate massage I was flying out of Houston. This security guard thought I looked suspicious or something (I’m guessing it was either my handlebar mustache or my giant trench coat) and she pulled me aside. She asked me if I wanted the full body scan or the pat down. Even though I’m into full body scans (I’m planning on buying a scanner off of ebay as soon as I get a raise. Once I get it I’m going to start fucking my girlfriend inside the scanner), it had been awhile since I’d had a hot chick’s hands on my body. So I opted for the pat down. She brought me into a room with no windows and just told me to stand there, that someone would be with me in a few minutes. About ten minutes later there was a knock on the door. A huge man entered. He was at least a foot taller than me and at least eighty pounds heavier and it was all muscle. I started to panic. He whipped me around and before I knew it his hands were down my pants. I expected to be super creeped out but I could feel myself getting hard. I couldn’t help it. The dude was ripped and he was obviously into me. He had his hands all over me, pawing at my junk. When it was over he slipped me his business card with his phone number.

When I told my girlfriend about it she said I was probably gay and she started crying. I tried to convince her that I wasn’t but I ended up convincing her that we should totally call that dude up and have him over for a threesome. For you, I said, I want to do this for you. She perked up and we called him over. We had some wine and got high. Then he fucked my ass while my girlfriend curled up in a corner and cried. When it was over I told her that things weren’t going to work out between us, but we could always be friends.

1. Getting a gate massage is basically like having your mother-in-law hug you in your special place.

2. The next time I get a gate massage I’m going to make sure I don’t have that balloon of coke wedged up my ass.

RELATED TERMS:

Anus

Group Sex

Ladies stick together. They’re all about the solidarity among the sisters. Don’t fuck with that. If you go up to the hottest chick there, you’re likely to lose. If you and your friends go over to a group of chicks and chat up all the hot ones, leaving the ugly one to herself, none of you are getting any action. It’s just a fact. But if you go up there and ignore the hotties and start talking with the one with zits and a big nose and bad fashion sense and greasy hair, all the other perfectly groomed, gorgeous chicks are going to be all over you. You’ve proved yourself to be a total sweetheart, a hot dude who’s sensitive and will talk to any girl and is truly interested in what she has to say.

I should know, I grew up as one of the grenades amongst my click of incredibly beautiful high school girls. We weren’t the most popular, but we were cool and people respected us. We were rebels and some of the girls in our group went all punk and Goth and most of us were alternative and played hacky sack and skipped class to get high in the park across the street. When Tash was the first one of us to have her own car, (a baby blue vulvo), we’d all pile in and drive to her place stopping for slurpees along the way and pouring vodka into them. Everyone in the group was skinny and beautiful and I was neither of those things. I had glasses that were too big for my face and zits and I couldn’t seem to dress cool enough to be interesting or hot enough to be attractive. One of the only guys I pursued in high school came over to talk to me at my locker for the first time and I was thrilled – until I realized he had only come over to find out if I thought Tash would go out with him. Beautiful orange-haired Tash with her dancer’s body and her soft freckled skin. She was perfect. Everyone wanted to be her best friend and be her and sleep with her, all at the same time.

For years I felt like the ugly one out of my group of friends. It is only now when I look back on photos of that time that I realize I was pretty. And cool. I had my own style. I was moving towards being a writer and I had a pretty wicked dark side. Also, I didn’t know how to ‘look’ cool so I ended up just looking like a human, and that ended up being a good thing. So many pictures of my friends looking like posed models, trying to dig up a good pout. And then me, smiling at the camera.

1. That chick’s the grenade. You’ve got to bang her before any of her friends will even consider letting you near them.

2. I fucked the grenade once. Man she was the best lay I’ve ever had. Those perfect girls never fuck for shit. They just rely on their looks. The uglies…well, they work for it.

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Fattitude

Slore

Tweet

Girls gone wild is a series of male entertainment videos that feature young college-aged girls exposing themselves. The idea is that all these girls were pure and chaste and then the second they pulled off an article of clothing they just couldn’t help themselves. They had a taste of sex and their own sexual power and they just went crazy.

Oh girls. It’s true that we do just want to pull off our clothes at a moments notice. We want to ‘go wild’, free ourselves from our sexual expectations and hang-ups. We want to be wild sexual beings that can do anything and bang anyone. But we’ve been filled with a pile of nonsense on how a woman should act. Slut is still a four-letter word. If you fuck too much you’re a slut or a whore. If you don’t fuck enough you’re a prude. You can let yourself go wild but expect to be talked about the next day. Don’t expect to be admired for your sexuality. Expect to be labeled.

Every guy I’ve ever been with, except for my current partner, has told me that I fuck like a guy. I, naively, used to take that as a compliment. I thought it was a celebration of my sexuality, that guys said this to me because I was so free and open and up for anything. That they loved how much I love sex. The truth is, it isn’t a compliment. It’s a comment on how most men think a woman should be sexual or what is expected of us in terms of our sexuality. After a while I started to realize that these men felt emasculated because I wanted sex more than they did. They meant that I could fuck with feeling, without cuddling afterwards; I could do it several times a day and still be hungry for more. It wasn’t intended as an insult, but it was intended to tell me that I was being sexually inappropriate, that my sexuality wasn’t ‘normal’, that my desire and hunger was not how a woman should feel. I asked my current partner about that once. I told him that men used to say this to me. He just shook his head. They just don’t understand how in touch you are with your sexuality, he said to me. And instead of celebrating hitting the jackpot they tried to make you feel abnormal because they were insecure. It was nice to hear. Comforting. So I’m not a freak because I like to fuck a lot? I’m not a freak because I don’t act and react in stereotypically ‘feminine’ ways when it comes to sex?

Why can’t a girl go wild without having to be reeled back in and put in her place?

1. It’s been my dream to shoot a Girls Gone Wild video in Saskatchewan. Of course it would be an excruciatingly long video, given how many articles of clothing would have to come off….parkas, sweaters, snow pants, etc.

2. If I made a Girls Gone Wild video in Saskatchewan, one of those girls would definitely be fucking a dude on a Zamboni.

RELATED TERMS:

Slut

Whore

The truth is, gaydar is pretty stupid. Yes, some of the stereotypical characteristics might tip a person off, but sexuality is not really something that can be labeled. And even when we do label it, it isn’t something that matches a specific set of characteristics. When I was nineteen I shaved my head and started wearing combat boots and camouflage pants. I guess I just wanted to feel strong and tough. It didn’t take long before rumours started flying around that I was a dyke. The truth is, I’ve always had plenty of dyke in me. I love pussy. I love fucking women. But that’s not the whole of my sexual truth. If you look at me now, you wouldn’t label me a dyke. If you see my Fluevog collection, the sassy dresses I have in my closet and my sets of matching bras and panties, you’d just assume I was straight. But I’m not.

The funny thing about gaydar is that even if you guessed right, it doesn’t mean that the person is living the life you think they are. You’re probably going to be fairly disappointed when you discover that they don’t live in a loft and they aren’t with a super hot guy, sharing a tiny dog and drinking the best wines. Not all gay dudes work out all the time and have super sexy bodies and not all gay guys are into hanging out with women and not all of them love going to clubs. Some of them are even married to women, and not in a denial way. I know a gay dude is openly gay but in love with and married to a woman. AND they fuck. And they’re very much in love. And they’re happy. It actually happens. So just because you have decent gaydar doesn’t make it a useful skill to have. And you will be wrong some of the time. And you’ll probably end up irritating people. And you should really just shut the fuck up and get a new hobby.

1. I’ve got amazing gaydar. I figured out that my uncle was into dudes when I saw him at a gay bar. He was totally making out with this guy on the dance floor and, like, grinding his crotch into the other guy’s crotch. I just knew in that moment that he was into guys. I can always tell.

2. My husband loves trying out his gaydar. So far he’s been right about all the guys at his office. The weird thing is that since he found out how many gay guys he works with, he’s been working late almost every night. And going to the gym  more. And he watches so much gay porn.

RELATED TERMS:

Gay

Homosexual

So a woman who is a gold digger is with this dude because of his money and because she wants that money and because hopefully he’ll die soon and leave her with a few million to play with. And while the guy is still alive, he gets to have this gorgeous woman to bring out to parties and dinners and to suck his super old cock.

If you want to be a gold digger you have to be pretty stunning. You can’t just be average looking or even ‘pretty’. You have to be a total knockout. Like Samantha from Sex and the City. There’s one episode where she starts dating this seventy-three year old dude who is so rich he owns his own island. She starts dating him and ends up getting all kinds of amazing expensive jewelry and gifts and all she has to do is fuck him every so often. The only problem is that she catches a glimpse of his saggy ass when he gets up from bed to use the washroom and it freaks her out so badly that she grabs all of her stuff and runs out of the house. I guess you have to be pretty committed to getting money and fancy gifts.

If I was a gold digger I would probably opt for plane tickets to awesome places I’ve always wanted to travel to. I like jewelry and I’ve always wished I wore it more often, but I tend to be more of an oversized t-shit and sweats kinda girl, especially when I’m jobless and homeless and living in a cardboard box like I am now. I would rather explore the world than acquire expensive clothes and diamonds. I also wouldn’t mind getting my hair highlighted every so often. And maybe some chocolate cake.

1. I knew she was a gold digger when I married her, but I just couldn’t help it. She was so perfectly gorgeous and sexy and she acted like she was so into me I couldn’t help but feel naively giddy about the whole thing. Now I’m dead and a ghost and she’s moved into my mansion and is fucking my pool boy. He’s got this muscular chest and giant strong arms. She sucks his cock every night. I could hardly convince her to even look near my junk let alone give me a tug.

2. Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger. But she ain’t messin’ with no broke niggas. – Kanye West.

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Hooker

MILF

Let’s talk about this for a minute. I have direct experience with ‘the girlfriend voice’. Not because any man has ever used it on me or because I’ve used it on any woman, but I’ve listened to my brother use it on his wife for almost twenty years. Needless to say, they’re separated now. This voice makes me cringe. This voice makes me want to gauge out my own eyeballs. This voice used to make me want to yank out my brother’s vocal cords and set them on fire.

What makes me crazy about this voice is that it’s dehumanizing. It turns the girlfriend (or wife) into some kind of child that you have to talk in low, hushed, and gentle tones around like she might break like a china teapot. It insinuates that she can’t handle your regular voice. It also implies that you assume she’s going to blow up at you at any sense of equality or any indication that you see her as a partner and not as someone you must care for, like an invalid or a therapy client.

The pitch is always high and gentle and soft and is accompanied by words like, ‘sweetie’ and ‘honey’ and ‘baby’ which are all words I actually really love when not accompanied by that high, annoying, blinded-by-so-called-love-and-therefore-can’t-see-that-my-wife’s-a-psycho voice. Why the voice change? Why the condescending ‘gentle tone’? Do men think this is hot? To guys think it’s caring and sweet to sound all passive and retarded.

Whenever I used to visit my brother and his wife I used to want to kill them both. It was awkward at times. They both used the ‘voice’, but coming out of my brother who was woefully immature and was in no place to maintain a marriage was especially horrifying. I think they both thought that if they sounded like honey dripped from their tongues every time they spoke that they were sounding the way one sounds in a healthy relationship. Really, it was once they shrugged away those voices and spoke to each other in their actual voices that they could really deal with the damage in their marriage. Of course, nearly twenty years of ‘the girlfriend voice’ wreaks havoc on a relationship.

1. I used the girlfriend voice on my ex so often that now I can’t remember how I really sound. Even in bed I find myself saying shit like, ‘oh sweetie, how’s your little button feeling?’ when I really want to say, ‘yo bitch, did you fucking come already?’

2. The dude I’m seeing starts talking really slowly and softly when he really wants to convince me to let him play video games while I’m giving him a blowjob. My friend told me he’s using the girlfriend voice. I resent that. I’m not his girlfriend.

RELATED TERMS:

Acousticophile

Douche

Porn is definitely a big one for most hetero couples. We all know that every dude watches porn whether he admits it to his girlfriend or not. Whether he admits it to himself or not. He may be a ‘feminist’ and he may be super into gender equality, but really, he still wants to watch a girl get a facial, no matter how many women’s studies classes he’s taken or how many Judith Butler articles he’s read. So we’re agreed that all dudes watch porn. The thing is, not all chicks are okay with that. And that’s fine, you don’t have to be comfortable with everything your boyfriend or husband or man friend does. You can think porn is icky and kind of creepy and not for you, although it would probably make your life easier if you didn’t think that. What you can’t do is stop your male partner from watching it. You can tell him to stop or ask him nicely to stop or beg him to stop. He will, if he’s smart and knows how relationships work, say that he understands where you’re coming from and he’ll keep it to himself, as in he’ll pretend to stop SLASH do a better job of hiding it. He’s not going to stop. But as soon as you have that conversation, then you can pretend that he no longer has or looks at or watches porn and he can do a really kick-ass job at hiding it.

Hence, the girlfriend-proofing. You need to get a super awesome hiding spot for your porn. Don’t just stick videos or magazines between your mattresses or in your sock drawer. Even if you don’t live together, she’s going to snoop (not necessarily in the search for something you’re hiding, but maybe to look for something she’s lost), and she’ll find it and there’ll be hell to pay. Loosen a plank in your floor and pry it open. Store your porn (or dolls or small toys or pokemon memorabilia) in there. Cover it up with a nice rug from Ikea. It may be a bit like the heart from The Tell-Tale Heart, but you just have to remember that the only reason why you’re hiding your stuff is because your girlfriend is a bit of a spaz case but you really like fucking her so you’ve got to just go with it.

1. I was totally girlfriend-proofing my house today when I came across something that she left in the closet. At least I’m assuming it’s hers because none of my friends would be into anything that freaky. I just assumed she wouldn’t be into me having porn, but since finding video on felching that she left accidentally, I’m thinking the shit that I’m into is pretty tame. I just like the facials, I don’t want to suck out cum from a dude’s ass.

2. Time to girlfriend-proof before she finds all the naked pictures of my ex and discover how much hotter my ex is.

RELATED TERMS:

Porn

XXX

Yup, Joey was everyone’s heartthrob. She will always be my heartthrob.

The girl next door, while beautiful and tantalizing and fantastically sex in a super pure way, is and always will be a total fantasy. Because girls grow up into women and women have their own minds and they aren’t going to be those little pigtailed girls that you pushed in the mud because you liked them. They’re going to be crazy intelligent and able to kick your ass intellectually and physically. They’re going to grow up to be dominatrixes and into kink and sometimes they’re going to be a bit fatter than you’d like or grow their leg hair out or turn out to be Lesbians. They’re going to be feminists and will probably grow tired of you pigeon-holing them into some archetype or stereotype or some other type that she really isn’t. She’ll go to bars and grind with dudes and maybe get AIDS when she’s in her early thirties. Or maybe she’ll get knocked up at nineteen and take up smoking crack and end up having a crack baby.

The point is, you’ve got to let the girl next door grow up and figure out who she’s going to be and who she actually is. You’ve got to let go of the fantasy. Joey Potter was a TV character. Katie Holmes grew up and ended up marrying Tom Cruise, so what does that tell you? You just can’t ever tell how people are going to end up and what kind of retarded choices they might make over the course of their lives. And the number one rule always stands firm: one can never be a girl next door once one is a member of the ‘church’ of Scientology. Amen.

1. My dad married his girl next door. Then she transitioned into a dude.

2. That girl next door quality my daughter’s babysitter has really gives me a fat boner.

RELATED TERMS:

Arousal

Hotness Hypnosis

Now that we all know that, let’s chat about grandmothers for a second. Do any of you know of a grandmother that you’d like to fuck? I sure as fuck don’t. But I don’t want to discriminate because I know that there are an awful lot of young grandmothers out there. One of my best friends had her first daughter at nineteen. Her daughter is turning twelve this year. Maybe she’ll get pregnant at sixteen or seventeen. That would make my friend thirty-five or thirty-six. Definitely not too old to want to fuck the shit out of. And my friend’s pretty hot too and definitely looks like she’s in her late twenties. Another friend of mine just turned forty-one this year but she has the face and body of a twenty-four year old. She doesn’t have kids so she can’t be a grandmother at this point, but she IS an aunt and could possible become a GAILF, a Great Aunt I’d Like to Fuck.

My own grandmothers are a little too much like grandmothers and are fairly old. They’re both going to be ninety in the next year. One of them had a stroke two years ago and has severe memory loss and the other one is skin and bones, can move without her walker, and smokes like a chimney. She also called me a whore once, but that’s another story. I can’t really imagine anyone wanting to fuck them. Actually, that’s not true. I think if they were both in nursing homes they could get some action. Especially the skinny one. She’s feisty. She drinks vodka and pink ladies and prefers meat and potatoes to just about any other food and she puts about a cup of half and half cream in her coffee every day and she spreads about a pound of butter on every slice of bread she eats and I’m pretty sure she should weigh about three hundred pounds at least, but she’s just about the waifiest human you’ll ever meet.

There are also cougars to keep in mind. Cougars are older women (usually in their forties and fifties) who go after younger men. Some of these women could easily be grandmothers and have kept up their hot appearance and sex appeal specifically because they’re trying to attract younger men. Actually, come to think of it, my friend who had her first daughter at nineteen, her mom is a total GILF. She hated the idea of being a grandmother so young so she made her granddaughters call her MoMo, which stood for ‘Mother’s Mother’. She is still gorgeous, doesn’t have a hint of grey, has a fabulous body and could so be on a list of people to fuck.

1. My mom had me when she was super young, so most people thought I was her little sister and lots of men hit on my grandma when she was babysitting me. They all thought she was a single mother. She was a total GILF for most dudes out there.

2. My gynecologist is a GILF.

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DILF

Fuck

MILF

While I love tits, the ass is my favourite body part on a woman. Perhaps because it’s connected to sloping curvy hips and firm legs and a nice tummy. Perhaps because of the way it moves and contorts itself depending on the position its in – whether it is bending over to pick up a dropped item or bent over due to the woman being on all fours – the ass is easily the sexiest part of a woman. Even flat butts have their moments, but what I really like is a nice round juicy ass that I can smack silly.

The best ghetto booty I’ve ever seen was on this girl in high school. Her name was Jennifer and she was white but she could still rival any black girl in school when it came to her butt. She had this thin firm tummy and sweet curvy hips and then an ass that came out of her like a mound of delicious chocolate cake or pudding or mousse or something else that was delicious, something you wanted to lick and lick and lick. She was mesmerizing. I don’t even think she knew it, but she always wore this one pair of sexy bellbottom jeans that she got used from the Sally Ann that shaped her bum into this luscious mound of ass that was just waiting to be smacked. One day after school I was over at her house to work on this project for Social Studies and I left the room to get a glass of water from the kitchen. When I came back to her bedroom she was lying stomach-down on the bed thumbing through our textbook. Her ass billowed up out of her like two mounds of creamy cheese. I had to hold myself back from taking a huge bit of that ripe butt. Definitely a ghetto booty.

1. Oh man that chick’s got such a sweet ghetto booty. I just want to pull down her skinny jeans, push her up against a wall and put my cock in her ass.

2. My girlfriend’s got a ghetto booty. Sometimes if I come home from work early I’ll actually catch her in the middle of dancing to Beyonce while she’s cleaning the house. That big gigantic ass of hers just wiggles and sways and vibrates and I’m basically so fucking hard as soon as I see it that I just have to bend her over and fuck her from behind.

RELATED TERMS:

Ass Fuck

Bootylicious