This game will guarantee to keep you snorting pop through your nose due to hysterical laughter. It will also make that boring prairie scenery just a little more lively. Combine this game with occasional Savage Love pod casts and you’re set for your trip.

The only downside is if you have kids. Young children are like sponges and they just love to repeat just about anything their parents say, especially when it brings out a particular response. Your child is much more likely to say cock or pussy or cunt nugget if that is your general response to someone cutting you off on the highway. So just be aware that your kid is likely to start inserting vagina into just about every sentence if you play this game around them. Consider waiting until they’re asleep or perhaps slip a little vodka into their bottle. This will knock them right out.

Another downside is when you’re traveling with your in-laws. No matter what anyone says or how cool your in-laws actually are, they do NOT want to play the vagina game with you. Even if your father-in-law is a hippie and your mother-in-law teaches women and gender studies and is all sex-positive. This will only make the car ride seem much longer than it is and will fill it with long awkward silences.

Really, this game is best shared amongst close perverted friends or simply between you and your lover. The nice thing about it is that sometimes it can be the jumping off point for a little road trip car sex.

1. I love The Vagina Game. Mostly I love fingering my vagina while we play the game. Sometimes my boyfriend fingers me while he comes up with popular movie choices.

2. I accidentally played The Vagina Game with some friends while we were stuck in traffic. My three-year-old daughter was asleep in the back seat, or so I thought. Turns out she heard every word she said. Now her favourite thing to say to everyone, including the guy who bags our groceries, my boss, the other kids at daycare, the woman who stopped to admire her adorableness, my dentist, her grandparents (my in-laws), the minister at Christ Church, and puppies, is ‘My mummy just LOVES The Hunt for Red Vagina. She thinks it’s the best movie ever!’

RELATED TERMS:

Cooch

Vagina 

The stranger simply refers to when you sit on your hand until it goes completely numb, and then you close your eyes and begin jerking off with your numb hand. The sensation is incredible, as it feels like someone else is jerking you off and it isn’t just your own hand. For the best results, I recommend fantasizing about the hottest girl from your office, or maybe one of your most desirable “taboo fucks” from your spank bank such as your best friend’s girlfriend or your current girlfriend’s mother.

The stranger, also known as the “hobo’s sex toy,” is an excellent way to pleasure yourself in a new and exciting way if you don’t have the money or access to pocket pussies, warming lube, and other expensive sex toys. All you need is a little bit of your own body weight, and a few extra minutes to make your hand go numb, and your jerk off session will feel so damn good that you’ll swear it actually was your hot second cousin jerking you off under the picnic table at the family reunion. After all, incest is best when you put the stranger to the test.

1. In college I used to do the stranger so often that I lost permanent circulation in my right arm and they had to amputate it. Lucky for me, prosthetics feel ever better.

2. If you’re going to do the stranger, don’t use any lube. It’s like watching a stroke victim trying to eat a bowl of soup. It gets messy.

RELATED TERMS:

Jack Off              

Séance Wank 

For a young male, trying to find the clit can be as hard as trying to find a sober college student, or a republican politician that isn’t racist. For most first timers, the female genitalia appears to be nothing more than folds and folds of doughy flesh that leaks from time to time and comes adorned with a small patch of pubic hair at the top. It’s hard to believe that anyone can find a tiny little button-sized cluster of nerves in all that mess. Then again, many men never do find it, spending the rest of their days searching endlessly in the labyrinth, going from woman to woman hoping that someday it’ll get easier.

If you’re one of the lucky ones, your first time will be with a girl slightly older than yourself, so she’ll not only be mature enough to know about good hygiene and the importance of pubic maintenance, but she’ll also be aware of just how clueless most younger guys are, and she’ll help direct you to the sweet spot. If you’re really lucky, she’ll even have one of those modestly trimmed vaginas with a miniscule amount of labia, so her clit is gently and delicately poised at the top like a mint on a hotel pillow just waiting to be gobbled up.

Of course, that’s not very realistic. For most young men, their first time winding their way down the labyrinth is like getting into a sumo-wrestling match with Jabba the Hut.

There are two main areas that make it extremely difficult for young, inexperienced men to find their way to the end of the labyrinth: one being the entrance to the forest, and the other being the forest itself. The entrance (also known as the camel toe) to the labyrinth can be one of the most daunting tasks for young men, and can often discourage them before they even begin. Picture it this way: if you were a butcher looking for the most delicate and tender piece of flesh, would you want to have to saw your way through 1000lbs of excess flesh first? No, you wouldn’t. Thankfully for us, plastic surgeons have figured out a solution to this wrinkly maze.

The other inhibitor for young men who are eager to please their girlfriends is a much easier and less expensive situation than labia-plasty. For most girls, all it would take is a few hours of hot waxing in their bedroom, or even a quick 30 minute ordeal with a Bic Razor and some lathered soap, and the problem would be solved. In fact, you know that old fashioned saying “it’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack?” Well, that was actually created by Mormons and is a code word for how difficult it is to find the clitoris of a female Chewbaca.

1. When I finally found my way through the labyrinth and found my girlfriend’s clit, I was too exhausted to actually do anything with it.

2. Don’t ever underestimate the difficulties of finding your way through the labyrinth. I have old high school friends who I haven’t seen since Prom night just because of that.

RELATED TERMS:

Camel Toe                 

Clit 

Really, you never know what you’re going to get when you finally get the guts to start moving your way down to their crotch. You could be pleasantly surprised, unzipping their fly and pulling off their underwear to discover a perfectly trimmed, freshly cleaned and healthy vagina, or in the case of women, a well-manicured and virile cock free of STD’s. However, you could also end up staring a colony of crabs in the face, or sitting eye to eye with a grotesque mountain of Herpes sores shrouded by a thickly curled jungle-bush of a pubic mound.  Really, there’s no way of knowing except by taking the plunge and making the descent. But, if you’re still a little scared of going down there, I suggest using a technique I learned back in swimming lessons when I was learning how to dive: always go in hands first.

The Descent can also refer to someone who is performing oral sex for the first time ever, but that fear is entirely normal and harmless. They’re only afraid of it because they’re scared that they’re going to be really bad at it, or that the vagina or penis they’re about to mow down on is going to taste really bad and then they’ll start gagging or vomiting right in the middle of it. Well, that’s a fear that need not arise. Why fear what you already know is true? Just buy yourself one of those invisible dental dams and keep your eyes closed the whole time. You don’t be able to see, or taste a thing. After doing that for a couple of months, you’ll get so turned on by the orgasms you gave your partner that the fish sauce taste won’t even be noticeable anymore.

1. Karl is a thirty seven year old man who has a healthy and active sex life, but he hasn’t gone down on a girl in 20 years. Apparently when he was 17 years old his father hired a prostitute from the local bowling alley so his son could become a man. Rumour has it he saw something on the descent that he could never forget.

2. Sometimes, when I’m afraid of making the decent, I’ll break into the local medical clinic at night and scan all the patient files for my new partner’s name. Of course, even if I don’t find it, scanning through the entire town’s medical records pretty much turns me off of sex for the next few years, or at least until I move again.

RELATED TERMS:

Blowjob             

Oral Sex 

There are a lot of people who should really experience the Strawberry Shortcake. Sarah Palin for example. Rick Santorum. John McCain. Basically all the US republican twits who are currently in office or have run for office. Steven Harper could definitely use one, especially now that his budget included some ridiculous government cuts, including 10% to the CBC.

I once gave a girl a lemon meringue pie, while we’re on the subject of sexy dessert themed surprised. I scooped some lemon pudding into her pussy and then fucked her…when I was ready to come I pulled out and jizzed all over her pudding filled pussy. Then I put my face between her legs and lapped it up. I love the taste of jizz mixed with lemon pudding. Maybe it’s because my mom used to make lemon meringue pie for my birthday every year, and every year I would sneak a third slice of it to my bedroom and jerk off while eating it. I tried to come right before the last bite so I could eat it with the joy of shooting my jizz in the air. Once I accidentally got my jizz on the pie. I ate the rest of it anyway and it was delicious, that salty cum mixed with the sour lemon and the sweet meringue. My mom has no idea how horny I get when I think of her pies.

1. So I totally gave my girlfriend a strawberry shortcake the other night but it was a complete accident! I was fucking her mouth and when I was ready to come I pulled out and jizzed on her face. As I was getting off of her (she was lying down on the bed and I was straddling her face), I stumbled and accidentally elbowed her in the face! Her nose totally burst open like a fucking facet and she looked just like a delicious dessert. In fact, it totally made me crave a blizzard, so I tossed her a towel to wipe the blood off her face, got dressed, and drove to Dairy Queen.

2. If I could give one person a strawberry shortcake it would be Hitler. The only problem is that his mustache would totally get in the way of the whole look. Plus I may have to shoot him in the face instead of punching him.

RELATED TERMS:

Donkey Punch

Jizz

It’s kind of too bad that not all party’s are stoplight parties because it would be really nice to know who’s single and ready to fuck and who’s taken. It would save everyone a lot of time (and money, potentially, if you’re buying someone drinks all night), if you just knew who was available. Wedding rings used to be one of the major signs but nowadays not everyone wears their wedding rings and more and more people are choosing to live common law and there’s no way of really knowing their relationship status unless you ask them. Which, of course, is an obvious option that everyone has. But a lot of people like to hold onto the mystery and possibility while they get to know someone at a party or at a bar.

A stoplight party is helpful but it isn’t entirely inclusive. It only slight touches on people who are non-monogamous or into polyamary with the yellow ‘it’s complicated’ t-shirts. It would be cool if there were more variations on this. Like pink shirts would be for the gays at the party, purple would be for those that swing both way or are simply queer identified. Light blue could be for those who are in poly relationships or for those who’s relationships are open. But maybe this is moving too far away from the whole stoplight party idea. Maybe this has to be more of a rainbow themed party. Which is, you know, super gay.

1. I went to my first stoplight party the other day, but I accidentally wore black and everyone thought that meant that I was an emo asexual. Then I fucked the host’s neighbor who was the only other person who showed up in black and the only reason she was wearing black was cause her aunt died and she had to go to the wake right before the party. Needless to say, post funeral sex is one of the hottest things imaginable.

2. I’m single and totally looking to hook up so my friend recommended that I have a stoplight party. I did but a bunch of people who I know are in relationships showed up wearing green in the hopes for a fling. A lot of them ended up cheating on their partners at my party and their partners got super mad at me and a bunch of them drove to my house and banged on my door in the middle of the night. When I opened the door in my pajamas half asleep they threw eggs at my face. I think I’m going to try online dating.

RELATED TERMS:

Orgy

Polyamory 

Chicks dig superheroes. It’s a fact. They love the feeling of being rescued, of being saved. That’s why so many ladies are turning themselves over to Jesus, even if he never actually calls or picks up the tab. He has a lot to say about love and being with sexy hookers and getting chicks to do weird sex stuff, like washing his feet. The ladies eat that shit up. All superheroes get laid and they all get to bang whoever they want. And if you’re a lady superhero, same thing. You get your choice of ladies. Or dudes. Or lady dudes. Or dude ladies. Whichever your preference.

1. My boyfriend totally pulled a Spiderman on me, but I wasn’t shocked or horrified, I was just super into it. He likes to experiment and he loves all the Spiderman movies so I wasn’t really surprised. And when he flung his jizz onto my face I felt like I was being pulled into his delicious web of seduction and desire. It was actually pretty hot. The only part that was awkward was when he climbed out of our bedroom window in an attempt to make a grand escape. He ended up falling down four stories and breaking his leg. When we got to the hospital I had to explain the dried jizz on my face. It was kind of uncomfortable until our doctor asked if she could join our next superhero sex session. Turns out she’s totally got a thing for dressing up as She-ra. It’s always nice to know where your next threesome is coming from.

2. The last time I gave my boyfriend a Spiderman we were at his family’s summer cottage. His parents had finally decided it was cool that we were gay dudes and allowed us to share the guest cottage together. I suppose it was bad timing that his mom came in to announce that supper was ready just as I was splattering my boyfriend’s face with jizz. I tried to explain that it wasn’t a gay thing but rather a superhero thing, but she wouldn’t hear of it. Next thing I know I’m on the bus back to Tuscan.

RELATED TERMS:

Facial

Orgasm

It’s important to fuck as a married couple. It’s crucial to consider sex as instrumental to the health of your marriage. It’s true that people make the mistake of ignoring their sexual desires and sex drives and often couples get into relationships where one individual has a much higher sex drive than the other. But once you’re married to someone, you have to place a high priority on your sex life, whether or not you have a high sex drive (unless, of course, both of you have a low sex drive and are fine with it).

There are many ways you can keep your sex life alive and healthy. You can invest in some hot new sex toys, watch porn together, make sexy decisions like not having sex in your bed for the next month, or listening to sexy pod casts like Savage Love. Go to a workshop on how to give amazing blowjobs or how to give a woman a g-spot orgasm. Take showers and baths together. Buy sexy lingerie and handcuffs and wrist/ankle restraints and crazy costumes. Have sex even when you’re both half asleep and exhausted. And even if you can’t have sex every day, make sure to touch each other in a sexual way every day. Grab your partner’s ass and give it a good squeeze. Smack his ass when he walks by, or make her bend over the kitchen counter for a good spanking when she’s cleaning up the kitchen. Every time you watch TV together is a perfect opportunity for some boob play. Sit on each other’s laps.

It’s also crucial not to refuse your partner sex under most conditions. Obviously if your partner is being a douche about it and being overly sexually aggressive or manipulative, that is not cool and should be considered abusive. But even if you aren’t in the mood, you can usually give your partner a little sexual attention, even if it isn’t full-blown sex. Our culture’s definition of sex is incredibly limited. If we started looking at sex as an expression and something that comes in all forms we’d start to prioritize all the little things we do that contribute to a healthy sex life.

1. I’m stuck in a some-sex marriage.

2. My husband won’t fuck me. I didn’t sign up for this some-sex marriage bullshit.

RELATED TERMS:

Marriage 

Monogamous 

Of course when it’s side boob that you get a peek of through a t-shirt sleeve or something like that, it’s delightful. Another case where a bit of side boob is quite welcome is when a woman is wearing a bikini. The point of the bikini is to cover as little of the boobs as possible so long as it is able to stay up and perky. This involves a complex strategy that involves strong enough bikini material that will hoist the boobs up, but not so much coverage that it becomes obvious that without the bikini top those things would be down to her knees.

I used to give my hot best friend little back tickles and rubs when we were thirteen and fourteen. She had perfect perky tits and this beautiful soft back. I used to run my fingers in light little touches all over her naked back and she would cup her breasts in her hands. Sometimes I would catch sight of a glorious bit of side boob. It was just about the hottest thing I’d ever seen. Years later she told me she always wanted to see what it was like to sleep with a girl and she told me we should go for it. So we got super drunk on red wine and pulled each other’s clothes off, running our hands all over our bodies and fingering each other. I got to eat her pussy and it was delicious. Her breasts were just as perfect and perky as they were fifteen years ago. It was just that one night, but it’s made a memory of side boob and front boob that I’ll hold dear forever.

1. Sometimes when my girlfriend’s putting on her bra I get this glimpse of side boob. It gets me so hot that I end up with an instant hard on. When she notices, she climbs on top of me and mounts my dick, swinging her boobs from side to side.

2. I’m twenty and the most boob I’ve ever seen is some sweet side boob from my babysitter when I was ten. Damn she was perky. When am I gonna get to see some titties?

RELATED TERMS:

Boobs 

Tits 

If a woman is ‘skanky’ than she is either dirty or trashy or she has sex with dirty and disgusting men. Perhaps she keeps her vagina open and has some sort of revolving door policy when it comes to her pussy. Perhaps she’ll let just about anyone fuck her even older dudes who are twice or three times her age. For example, the thirty-five year old woman who leaves her husband to be with her seventy-six year old professor is pretty damn skanky. The woman who has bleached blonde hair and wears tight leopard print leggings and goes to her kid’s PTA meeting dressed like a low-class hooker is fairly skanky.

Women, listen up. It’s OKAY to be skanky. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just a bit humiliating if you’re skanky and you don’t know you’re skanky. If you’re dressing all skanked-out, that’s cool so long as you know that you’re doing it. If you’re fucking dudes twice your age or letting your best friend’s little brother stick his dick in your pussy, that’s cool too, so long as you’re aware. And if you’re a skank, you’ve gotta own it. Wear the title with pride. Make some hoochie mama friends, go to a country bar wearing your cowboy boots and a skirt the size of a napkin and get super loaded and take home as many dudes as you want. Be yourself. Don’t hold back and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for being who you are. The most important thing to remember as a skank is to embrace your skankiness. No one’s gonna embrace it for you.

1. That fucking skank stole my boyfriend. I’m gonna make her pay.

2. God, I can’t believe I fucked my best friend’s boyfriend. I’m such a skank whore. I swore to myself I’d never do that again. Why can’t I ever keep a best friend for more than a month? Why do I keep fucking their boyfriends? Like, why do my best friend have such hot boyfriends that are always tempting me all the time? Maybe if they dressed better or lost a few pounds they’d be able to hold on to their men. Like, it’s not my fault that I’m super hot. I work for this body, you know? Fuck that, I’m not gonna feel guilty for being hot. It’s not my fault that all these dude want to fuck me.

RELATED TERMS:

Slut

Whore