A French Tickler means a variety of different things, but the most common commercial definition is a type of condom or cock ring with ridges and little tiny bumps on the end of it that give the female extra stimulation during sex. In all honesty, they look kind of disgusting. It sort of looks like hundreds of tiny spores just exploded and shot out of the head of your penis, only they’re usually florescent in color. Nonetheless, these types of French ticklers are much appreciated by the ladies, and they can be purchased in nearly every truck stop washroom along the 400 series highways, all the way from Nova Scotia to Vancouver. For some reason, Canadians really like French ticklers.
The term French Tickler can refer to other things besides monstrously ribbed condoms and spiky cock rings, and some of these are not quite as popular as the commercial French Tickler.
Perhaps the most abhorrent French tickler is the female moustache. We’re not talking about those old lady dirty sanchez style moustaches that are so obvious that only a gay man would make out with the woman who wears one. We’re talking about those seamless, nearly invisible except in the right lighting, slightly silky, chinchilla fur, type of female moustaches. The kind of moustache that a man doesn’t see at first glance in a dimly lit bar, so for all he knows, the woman he’s approaching and about to hit on is a perfectly hot piece of ass. That is, until the first kiss. When you’ve been working up the courage and buying her enough drinks that you think you’ve got this one in the bag, so you lean in all suave like and plant an open mouthed smacker on her. Of course, it doesn’t stop there, so you begin making out quite sensually in the middle of the bar when suddenly you get the slow, but fleeting sensation that a caterpillar just crawled across your upper lip. When you finally realize it’s the woman’s moustache, it’s too late and too rude to scream and run out the bar like you really want to do, so instead you have to slowly and casually stop the make out session, reverse flirt for the next 30 minutes, and then quietly fade into the crowd after excusing yourself to use the bathroom, never to see that French tickling trickster again.
Other types of French ticklers include shoving a baguette up a girl’s vagina during intercourse, stubbing French cigarettes out on your S&M victims bare chest while they’re tied to a chair, and allowing your female sex partner to dangle her giant labia ever so slightly across your forehead when she’s just gone to the bathroom, so that tiny bits of cold urine slide across your skin.
1. Last time I tried to use a French tickler, one of the little spores broke open while I was fucking my girlfriend and some semen escaped when I ejaculated. Now I have to pay child’s support to some Canadian truck stop waitress.
2. One time I was making out with this Italian chick and before I realized it I was getting a French tickler. Man, I hate female facial hair!
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