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Something that is sexually desirable or deemed high enough quality that it can be used for masturbation purposes. It could be a thought or an image, but usually it’s another human. Sometimes it’s an inanimate object that reminds you of a human or a body part. Like a balloon might remind you of a woman’s boob or a banana might remind you of your girlfriend’s lady hard-on.

What’s fappable for someone is a very individual thing. People get turned on by different body types and personalities and experiences. Some people hold on to their memories from past lovers and use those to masturbate to. Some people choose a person in their life to share an intimate fantasy with. Most of us, in reality, think about the porn we’ve watched. For those of us who watch porn. And most of us do.

Fappability comes in all shapes and sizes and situations. For some, it’s heels. High heels. Chicks walking around in skinny jeans and high heels. Some love made up girls with blush and pouty red lips and curled hair. Some are turned on by the natural look. Often chicks at the gym are super fappable, especially when they’re wearing the latest lulu lemon pants that shape their buttocks or a cute sporty top that rounds their breasts into soft but firm melons.

The best part about those girls who become part of our daily jerk off fantasies is that no matter how old or tired or chubby or wrinkly they may get, they’ll forever be that curvy hot piece of ass you started whacking off to all those years ago. Even if you end up marrying her and witnessing her spitting out a couple of kids and seeing her vagina all bloody and gaping like a giant dripping organ, you can simply close your eyes and think of that first delicious blow job you got from her, how her lips were so pink and puffy and soft and her tongue snaked delicately around your dick that you couldn’t help but shoot a massive load down her throat.

1. That chick that goes to my gym is so damn fappable. Every night before I go to sleep I jerk my pickle while thinking about how she looks on the treadmill, the way her tits move while she’s running, how fucking hot she would be naked. Damn.

2. My boyfriend used to jerk off to this picture of me every night. This was before we started dating, of course. It was a picture of me in my cheerleading outfit doing a high kick in the air. I found that picture under his bed when we were still just friends. When we started actually seeing each other and then sleeping together I found a new picture under his bed. A picture of fucking Martha Zeeberman in a pair of slutty jeans and high heels. He got the shot from behind while she was standing at her locker, and her ass looks better than my face. She’s the most fappable girl at school. The fucking skank. Tomorrow I’m going to put shit in her locker.

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Hotness Hypnosis

Masturbilia

Women dig the fuck buddy scenario too. Women want sex as much if not more so than men do. Women also have busy lives. They have school and careers to worry about. They travel and they sometimes have kids and most importantly, they have pussies that need to be fucked from time to time and hopefully more often than not. So don’t fool yourself into thinking that the fuck buddy situation is only for men. There are a ton of women out there who just want someone in their bed for an hour, an hour and a half tops and then they want that dude out the back door in time for them to watch John Stewart and get to bed by eleven.

A fuck buddy is often a friend and could even be an ex that you know you’ll never want to date again but the sex was so unbelievably hot that you’re totally fine with continuing to fuck him. You just don’t want to do anything stupid like go to dinner with him. As soon as you start up a conversation with this guy you’ll quickly be reminded why you broke up with him in the first place. You can make ‘dinner plans’, but they should involve him picking you up and coming into your place for a before dinner glass of wine. This will ultimately insure that you won’t make it past the front door to go out for dinner. You’ll have fucked him and he’ll be home by eight under the guise of needing to feed his dog or walk his fish. You’ll even have time to meet your friends for a drink.

1. I’ve got a fuck buddy, but he lives three states away, so we just have a ton of phone sex.

2. The last time I saw my fuck buddy he asked me to go with him to his sister’s wedding. I said yes, only if it meant that we’d fuck first and then I could skip the wedding.

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Booty Call

Ex with Benefits

Friend with Benefits

Another trick is to turn ones underwear inside out and wear them again, but that’s always kind of grossed me out. I’m not going to feel clean if I shower and then step into a pair of panties with yesterday’s jizz on the other side of them. Also, the crotch of those skinny jeans is going to smell fishy and awkward and then everyone’s going to be wondering whose twat has gone off or who smells like runny cheese. I’m just not a fan.

I tend to do laundry obsessively, but when I find myself in a famine underwear situation, one thing I do in a pinch is hand wash a pair of undies and blow-dry them. I usually don’t have the time to dry them out completely, but if I can even just get them mostly dry so that they’re just a little bit moist and damp, at least they’ll probably dry okay and I’ll be clean. Of course, this makes my pussy all moist which turns me on which usually makes me have to pause whatever I’m in a rush to get done and rub one out, but that’s par for the course so I don’t worry too much. The thing is, sometimes I can’t even get them dry enough to be considered damp and they end up giving the ass of my jeans a dark wet imprint of my butt. Which I suppose is fine in the spring or fall, but less so in the summer when it’s hot and disgustingly humid and you just know your fucking ass isn’t going to dry all damn day, and winter where you spend twenty minutes heating up your car engine and by the time you arrive at work you can’t get out of the car because your ass is frozen to the seat.

A friend of mine recently had a one-night-stand with a dude that she met up with for coffee. They had fucked before but she really didn’t think they’d be fucking again because he had a girlfriend and it was laundry day so she just wore the same underwear for the date that she had worn the day before. She ended up doing the walk of shame in underwear she had been wearing for over forty-eight hours.

1. My famine underwear is one of those pull-up diapers. I stole a whole bunch of them from the family that I baby-sit for.

2. When all my laundry’s dirty I just don’t leave the house. You could say my famine underwear is my bed.

RELATED TERMS:

Body Image

Slut

This is what we hope to achieve with our lovers on a regular basis. Let’s just admit it, most of us walk around naked. Most of us, no matter how much we secretly loathe our bodies, are super into being naked. That’s why skinny-dipping is so appealing. That’s why we have mirrors in every room in the house, that’s why when we’re walking down the street and we stop to ‘window shop’, we’re really just checking out our own reflection in the window. We’re vain. And we like it that way.

For those of you who watch How I Met Your Mother (and for those of you who don’t….well, get your shit together and start watching), remember the episode The Naked Man? It’s the one where Robin is on a blind date and totally isn’t into him and he asks to use the washroom in their apartment and she steps out for a minute to make a phone call and when she comes back in he’s totally naked, full frontal, with his arms open and a big smile? And, even though she finds him mildly repulsive, she just giggles and goes over and gives him a hug and they totally end up doing it? Then Ted and Barney decide they’ve got to try the naked man and Lily even does it on Marshall and the theory is that it works two thirds of the time, and Lily gets laid and Ted gets laid but Barney gets thrown out of the apartment. Remember all of that in one twenty-minute episode of awesomeness?

So going full frontal, or doing ‘The Naked Man’ has some serious bonuses. Yeah you’re risking getting thrown out the person’s house, but it’s in your favour that you’re more likely to get a giggle in response and a sweet lay out of the deal.

1. I was full frontal in her living room when her grandma walked past to get a glass of water. I had no fucking idea her grandma lived with her, but I totally stopped in my tracks and pretended to be a piece of furniture, like a lamp or a bookshelf and she totally walked right by me. Either she has no peripheral vision or she’s blind even with her glasses on because she didn’t even notice me. She did notice her granddaughter come bouncing out of the bathroom in a lacy bra and panties.

2. I love being up at the cabin. I get to walk around all full frontal with my dick hanging down and nobody but the squirrels and the bugs notice. I get to walk buck-naked with my morning coffee down to the dock and watch the sunrise. Then I get to take that first early morning plunge into the lake, with my giblets all free and unencumbered. Cabin life is sweet.

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Genitals

Porn

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A floozie is an easy woman, a ‘slut’, a sexually promiscuous woman, a woman who will give sex to someone at the drop of a hat. Floozie always sounds somewhat romantic and sexy. I picture a sultry woman with a slinky black dress and black heels and red fishnets, perhaps wearing a fascinator with a birdcage veil. Someone who is lying along a Grande piano or sitting on a bar stool drinking a belini and watching the crowd, ready to pick out her next conquest.

I’ve always wanted to be a floozie. My high school bestie and I use to dream about the days when we would seduce all the people we were attracted to and make passionate love to them with our hot sexuality. One night we were at this weird dance for international students that a friend of ours invited us to. We danced all night long to cheesy pop and dance songs, including The Macarena. We were only fifteen but we felt this sexual energy within us and we thought we were such hot shit, moving and grinding our bodies on the dance floor, in a darkened room with disco lighting. The song ‘Shy Guy’ came on and we found ourselves pairing off with these two men from Libya (who would later and forever be known as the Libyans) who were at least ten years older than both of us and who seemed unable to believe their good luck (which is exactly how we wanted them to feel). When the song ended and ‘Be My Lover’ came on, my friend and I went crazy with our Libyan Lovers, dancing and grinding and moving our bodies with theirs. And of course, the way little girls who are on the verge of discovering their own sexuality and sexual power are, we dashed out of the room the second the song ended and ran into the bathroom, short of breath and giggling like mad. That moment, that sexually charged four-minute experience kept us filled with passion for years after. Which is a good thing, since neither of us lost our virginities until after high school.

I wanted to be a floozie because I wanted to work my sexual power. I wanted to feel the intensity of my own sexuality. I’ve never thought that having sex with multiple partners was a bad thing. I was always kind of jealous of those of my friends who have more of a right to call themselves sluts, or who got to go through their ‘slutty phase’. I suppose we always want to experience everything that life has to offer us.

1. You’re such a floozie. Like, that’s totally meant as a compliment.

2. I wish I had spent less time agonizing about sex and more time getting it. I should’ve been sluttier when I had the chance. Now I’m in my eighties and I don’t know how to get the action I want. I suppose I just need to learn how to be the nursing home floozie.

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Hooker

Slut

Let’s see. Who’s got some noteworthy fun bags? Gianna Michaels, Rita Faltoyano, Aspen Stevens, and Roxetta all spring to mind. Actually, the more I picture them in my mind, that’s not the only thing springing up, if you understand my meaning. My penis is erect. I think I need to take a quick “personal moment” to boot up some fun bag porn clips. If my prose seems less vital and energetic after this paragraph, you can probably figure out why. I plan to masturbate until orgasm. (In case you couldn’t figure it out).

…

There we go. Much better. Where was I? Oh yeah – fun bags. God I love fun bags. I know that technically the boobs on a woman aren’t for sex, really. They’re for feeding babies. However, I guess since the cleavage on a woman instinctively reminds a man of her ass crack, and that reminds him of doggy style sex, we’ve come to find boobs incredibly sexy. Have you noticed that every commercial on tv has a woman with large breasts and a tight shirt on it? Why? Because boobs sell, baby. Especially beer. I like beer.
Yep, the prose has gone downhill. I can tell by seeing sentences like “I like beer.” Not exactly T.S. Elliot, am I?

More like B.S. Elliot.

There is a brief window where fun bags are in their prime. Let’s assume that a woman gets her full, perky set of voluptuous fun bags at age eighteen. From then until her twenty-eighth birthday, those puppies are in their prime. Right around twenty-eight, they start to drop a little. She still has her late twenties and early thirties to have some fun. Even in her forties, if they’re some sweet ass tits, they can look good. After that, they really begin to sag. That’s just nature. Deal.

So, your average pair of fun bags has a shelf life of like twenty-five years. Go get ‘em!

1. Jason had been waiting for months to see and feel Katherine’s beautiful fun bags. He courted her, dated her, and now was about to get access. She pulled up her top, and he could see she had worn a sexy bra. She took that off, and Jason leaned forward to motorboat them for the next twenty minutes.

2. Barry likes to fall asleep on his wife’s fun bags after they have sex.

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Breasts

Tits

One of the girls has a pair of nurse’s sneakers on. She’s dancing very minimally. She’s obviously come straight from work, is tired, and not interested in meeting anyone tonight. Then there are two other girls, both wearing somewhat sexy flats. They’re laughing and dancing around, but you can tell just by looking at them that they’re there for a girl’s night out; they’re not on the prowl for some dick. Then there is the last woman. She’s got her sluttiest outfit on that shows off her legs and big tits. She’s wearing three-inch high heels and is slowly moving her body just like she would if she was getting fucked. The high heels make it so her big, round ass is stuck out for all to see. She’s probably got a drink in each hand.

Those are fuck me pumps.

Now, I should point out that just because a woman is wearing fuck me pumps, it’s not an automatic green light to her cervix. You still have to make a little effort and get final clearance. However, there are lots of mitigating circumstances that should be considered first. Is she wearing “fuck me pants” or a “fuck me top”? Sometimes the fuck me pumps were the only thing that went with her outfit, and may not necessarily indicate her desire for a cock meat sandwich. If she’s got on the fuck me pants, or the fuck me top, it’s a good sign.

If she’s got on fuck me makeup, and is giving you the fuck me look, you’re golden. Approach her with a sexy smile. Now that you’re a little closer, you can tell if she’s giving you the fuck me eyes. Fuck me eyes are when the woman looks you dead in the eyes and mentally tells you she wants your cock. She may lick her lips. If she does, then as my dad used to say, “She’s got fuck me written on her forehead”. It’s time to give her a line.

“Hello.” you say.

“Take me home and fuck me stupid.” she retorts.

You know what to do next, cowboy. Give the little lady what she needs.

1. Your grandma looks great in those Fuck Me Pumps, dude. Is she seeing anyone right now?

2. Sometimes Gary wears his wife’s Fuck Me Pumps while she’s pegging him. She fucking loves it.

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Drag Queen

Slut

I’ve dated a few women who would be considered “frigid” in my day. It’s really a frustrating dynamic to be with someone who can’t join in the fun of sexuality with you. It’s especially tragic if the person is hot and sexy. It’s like giving a Lamborghini to someone who is only comfortable going 15 miles an hour. It’s just not going to be used correctly. If you’re going to give a Lamborghini to someone, give it to someone that loves to go fast, and all night long.

There are some drug companies that are trying to come up with a treatment for frigidity. Hopefully they come up with something to help these unfortunate women. And their lovers too! After all, sexuality is an important part of any relationship (under 70), so if one person is consistently not feeling anything, it can get tricky.

I actually cured a girlfriend of her frigidity through some amazing work, if I do say so myself. Her name was Rita, and she was beautiful. She was twenty-six years old when we started dating. At first, she was such a good actress (and I was so happy to be inside her) that I didn’t realize that her whole sexual experience was void of any real pleasure for her. I was initially kind of worried that I was a dud in the sack, but then I remembered all my previous girlfriends who enjoyed many, many orgasmic highs with me. I calmed my ego down, and got to work on getting Rita over whatever block she had hit.

First, I asked her if she came when she masturbated. She said yes. I bought myself one of those cock ring vibrators that fits around the base of my erect penis and stimulates her clit while I’m deep-fucking her. It seemed to work for a few minutes, but then I could tell she had faded again. We tried to have sex where she was rubbing her clit while we fucked. Still nothing. Finally, as a last, desperate effort, I took the giant portrait of Lyle Lovett off my bedroom wall.

BAM! She came and came and came. Turns out a ten-foot high portrait of country super-star Lyle Lovett staring down at her while I gave her the business was throwing her off sexually. I was very understanding. He’s not conventionally handsome, to say the least. So, I put the portrait up in the bathroom, and we had a year of great sex together. I dumped her when I met this sexy twenty year-old Korean girl with big tits. She had no problems cumming all over my dick from the get-go.

1. I’m sorry your wife is frigid.

2. I’m glad my wife isn’t frigid.

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Clit

Foreplay

First of all, I’d like to discuss stereotypes, and why they can sometimes be misleading. First of all, not all gay men love Judy Garland. In fact, in an informal pole I took of all the gay guys I know (about three); only one of them was crazy about Judy Garland. The other two were fans of “The Wizard of Oz”, but didn’t put Judy Garland up on some sort of Diva pedestal. The two that weren’t big fans of Judy Garland both love Bette Midler, however, as did they other gay buddy of mine. So, it might be more accurate to start calling gay men “Friends of Bette”, rather than Friends of Dorothy.

Actually, I find any sort of blanket statement about a whole group’s sexuality inherently flawed. There are so many different kinds of people, gay or straight, or bi or trans, that no single group can be painted with the same brush. For example, yes, I have a huge penis. But I don’t have large hands or feet, and I’m not African. I’m a white guy with normal hands and feet, and a huge, meaty dick. So when a woman judges me by my color or hand size or shoe size, I feel like whipping the old soldier out and saying, “See? It’s big. Don’t judge a book by its color, and don’t judge a dick by its color.”

To be honest, if a woman is looking at me to see how big my cock is, I usually picture her naked and pop a semi-chub in my pants. Then she can see for herself that it’s a whopper. Then it’s back to her place for a threesome with her husband. We work on her for a couple hours, and then they give me cab fare home. You know – an average Wednesday night at Applebee’s.

Judy Garland actually died incredibly young. She was only 47, and she died of a barbiturate overdose. If there were any REAL friends of Dorothy, she could have used them then. Did you know her real name was Francis Ethel Gumm? Yeesh. No wonder they changed her name.

Anyway, now she’s somewhere over the rainbow, which, is a symbol for homosexuality. Coincidence? Who cares. After all, we’re all just people trying to get our fucks on before we leave this blue marble for the great beyond. Right?

1. I had a feeling that Yuri was a Friend of Dorothy when he started bedazzling his sweaters with reflective sequins.

2. Lisa loved hanging out with Frank because there was no sexual drama between them. He’s a Friend of Dorothy.

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Bisexual

Gay

It reminds me of when, after the end of World War 2 and the Americans were occupying Japan. They wouldn’t let the Japanese Flag be flown anywhere, in order to crush any remaining patriot fervor. Eventually they let people display their flags again, in 1949. Imagine living in a world where no woman got her period for over four years! Ice cream sales would plummet.

Just kidding ladies. I love ya. In fact, I love it when the women I’m seeing fly the Japanese flag, because it means I didn’t knock any of them up accidentally. Plus, it means it’s blowjob week for me! Win win.

And, just like a woman’s period has different phases to it, so the Japanese flag has gone through changes throughout its history. A woman’s blood color and heaviness of flow fluctuate during her menstrual week. Similarly, the Japanese flag’s red color has been changed at least a half dozen times since 1973.

To continue the comparison, if you were to say that a woman is flying the Japanese flag at half mast, I guess that would mean that she’s just about done her period. I’m always a little leery about giving my lady friends cunnilingus as soon as their period has ended. I’m always scared there are a few extra blood chunks that haven’t descended yet, and I’m going to end up feeling it do down my throat before I can react. I don’t think I’d want to continue with the sex if that happened.

Actually, if a woman is in the middle of her heaviest flow, then she should say that she’s flying the Macedonian flag instead. The Macedonian flag looks just like the Japanese flag, except that it’s got all these bold red lines coming off the red dot in the circle. It looks like the blood is shooting off in every direction, which I assume is what happens to women during the heavy flow.

I’d just like to say how much I like being a man, and not bleeding out my dick one week out of every month until I die. Thank you, evolution.

1. When Jen told Frank that she was Flying the Japanese Flag on their honeymoon, he was a little disappointed. Oh, he had already stretched out all her holes while they were dating. He just wanted to fuck her on the beach, which they had never done before.

2. If your lady is about to Fly the Japanese Flag, stay at your mistress’s pad for the week.

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Cunnilingus

Menstruation