Vatican Roulette is a humorous euphemism for using the rhythm method as a form of birth control. The reason it is called Vatican Roulette is because it’s the only form of contraception the church endorses, and because of the very limited effectiveness that this form of birth control has. Unlike Russian Roulette, where someone dies when they choose wrong, Vatican Roulette means someone is going to be born. And, unlike Russian Roulette which has an immediate bad ending, if you guess wrong in Vatican Roulette, you’ve got at least eighteen years of worry and economic headaches ahead of you.

If used properly, the calendar-based contraceptive methods are somewhat dependable, with typical failure rates at around 25%. That’s a one-in-four chance that you’re going to end up with a baby. However, if you believe that the man in the sky will punish you for putting a rubber on, I guess it’s the best system you’ve got. The problem is that every woman’s cycle is different, and their cycle can change from month to month. So you might believe that you’re fucking her during an infertile time in her cycle, but be wrong because her cycle has shifted a few days here or there.

You don’t get those sorts of problems with rubbers.

The first kind of Vatican Roulette was known as the Rhythm Method, which had a simple math-based system to show women when they were fertile and infertile. It was replaced by a more effective system called the Standard Days Method. There are also apps for phones and computers that can help a woman figure out when she’s fertile. This is great for women on the go, and sluts.

1. Bert was upset that his wife Betty made him wait until they were married to put out, but he was willing to marry her to get at her virgin honey pot and huge, perky, real tits. On their honeymoon, Betty told him that as a strict Catholic she didn’t believe in contraception. She told him that she had been tracking her fertility, and that she wasn’t in her baby-making part of her cycle. Bert fucked her for hours, spraying cum load after cum load into her tight, unspoiled pussy. Unfortunately, playing Vatican Roulette backfired, and nine months later Betty had quadruplets. Bert wasn’t sure he could support one child on his salary at the Burger King, but four kids was going to be impossible. He decided to run off with the cute nineteen year old that was in charge of the drive-thru. Betty and the kids ended up on the streets. The moral of the story is that love is alive and well in the food-prep area of your local Burger King.

2. The Pope and all the priests don’t have to play Vatican Roulette when they sexually abuse alter boys because alter boys can’t have babies. The lawsuits are a bitch, but they’re not as bad as an unwanted child.

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