Here are a few steps to embracing the suck:

a. DON’T have an orgasm before you give a blow job, unless you’re multi-orgasmic and will be totally good to go again immediately. If, after you’ve come, you’re a bit like a dude and you just want to roll over and fall asleep, wait until after you’ve blown the guy for awhile before you let yourself come. The only way you’re going to be able to blow a dude when you’re totally NOT horny anymore is by faking it, but most people (despite what they may think about themselves) are really not that great at faking it. So don’t come yet. Allow the blow job to become the thing that GETS you in the mood. Mount his leg and start humping it, rubbing your clit against it until your pussy gets nice and juicy. If you’re a dude, stroke yourself while you’re giving your boyfriend head. There are plenty of ways that you can enjoy blowing the guy you’re with, but once you’ve come, it’s all over.

b. Think of it as a challenge. You’ve got this hard dick in front of you and it’s just begging for a nice soft mouth with firm lips and a thick tongue. It’s dying for a deep throat, for the moaning and gagging that comes from having a thick cock shoved inside your mouth. Practice giving amazing blow jobs. Read and research. Educate yourself. If you’ve gotten bored, change your technique. And remember, you don’t have to prepare yourself for thirty minutes of only blow job. You can suck his dick like crazy for awhile and then straddle him and fuck his brains out. Then go back to sucking the pussy juice off his dick. Everybody’s happy.

c. Remember, this is your chance to be labeled an awesome and amazing lover. You want that kind of reputation. You don’t want to be the prude who hates giving blow jobs. You want to love the cock. So love it. Embrace it.

1. She gave me a blow job last night and man was she ever embracing the suck.

2. I wish my girlfriend would embrace the suck more.

RELATED TERMS:

Blow Job

Come

These boxes are important because you aren’t ready to throw all that stuff away yet and you shouldn’t be expected to. But you need to get it the hell out of your sight. So you take everything you can find and get it into one box (and hopefully everything can fit into one box) and you lug it down to your storage locker where you tell yourself you can leave it for the next six months, until you’re ready to ditch it.

The funny thing about time is that it isn’t the arbitrary experience that we think it will be. Yes time does help the healing process, but six months isn’t very long and sometimes that ex-box is like the heart under the floorboard in The Tell-Tale Heart; ticking and beating and reminding you of its presence.

If you’re lucky, you won’t have to see much of your ex. If you’re lucky, you won’t have to run into her with her new boyfriend or fuck buddy or husband or wife. If you’re lucky you won’t have a pile of mutual friends and she won’t have left you for a dude who’s got a hotter body than you or someone who used to bully you in high school. If you’re lucky, the only thing left that will remind you of how broken you really are is this stupid ex-box. And if you’re luckier, there won’t be much to put in the box to remind you of that old life that was filled with possibility.

I have an ex-box. It’s not even from my last ex, it’s from the one before that. He’s married with a kid. He got married six months after we broke up. He used to send me pieces of fiction, short stories he wrote and postcards with little ink drawings of animals on them. He made me mixed CDs with bands like The Smiths and Beck. He once told me I was everything to him. I don’t need that box anymore, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to get rid of it. I guess the ex-box carries the power of the past and no matter how good the present is, there are always pieces of us that remain unresolved.

1. I thought we were going to play Xbox, Billy said. No, you idiot, James said. I asked you over here to help me with my Ex-box. I need to lug it down to the storage locker.

2. My ex-box has my ex-girlfriend’s fingernails in it. I just can’t seem to throw them away.

RELATED TERMS:

Ex with Benefits

Ex-hole

I’ve only really knowingly expiration dated one person. I was moving in six months and she knew that. We broke up halfway through those six months before the move because she was getting too invested and didn’t want to get hurt. Then we started meeting up with each other at the local gay bar. Then we started making out in her car. Then we started sleeping together again. And then we were basically dating until I left. Well, until three days before she left and we talked about the fact that I was moving across the country and she brought up the possibility of a long-distance relationship and I gently declined and so we broke up and later that night I got an email from her best friend (this little catholic gay boy) who basically threatened to find me and slit my throat which was both horrifying and kind of hilarious because I towered over him about at least a foot and I could probably have sat on him and crushed him instantly cause he was so skinny and I so wasn’t.

But, yeah. Knowingly going into an expiration dating situation is not always the best idea. Sometimes it’s fun if both people can really keep their feelings in check and are okay with letting the other person go when the time comes, but most people think they can handle it and then find themselves in situations where they really can’t. And, of course, by then it’s too late and they’re heart broken and they kind of hate the other person but they really hate themselves more because they knew what they were getting into, at least they thought they did, and it’s just really hard to untangle yourself from someone even if that person is someone you knew wouldn’t be yours for very much longer.

I guess this would be a stellar time to mention that we are not anyone’s possession or thing or object. We cannot be owned and we cannot be bought, unless we desire it and even then we’re still acting with free will and choice. We have to choose every day to be in the relationships we’re in, and that includes romantic relationships and friendships. And, as Dan Savage always says, every relationship you are ever in is going to fail…until one doesn’t. So enjoy the present. Don’t think too hard about expiration dates. Sooner or later the present always becomes the future.

1. Our relationship totally has an expiration date. We’re expiration dating. Like two milk cartons totally hooking up.

2. We were expiration dating. I didn’t know she had no interest in pumping out my babies. Slut.

RELATED TERMS:

Domestic Partners

Ex with Benefits

In my experience, exes don’t usually want to continue fucking. They’d rather find someone to be friends with benefits, but I do have a few friends who continue to fuck their ex and it seems to work for them. I mean, it’s not that their lives are moving forward necessarily, but at least they’re getting laid. Some people have much better sex with their ex after they’ve broken up with them. Perhaps the pressure and the expectations of a particular sex life have been lifted and they can just enjoy themselves and not worry too much about what it all means or whether they’re going to have to settle for a particular kind of sex for the rest of their lives.

I think the scariest thing about commitment is the idea that we’re going to have to deal with the same issues over and over again. Let’s say you do have a less than awesome sex life with your partner. Say you have inhibitions or he does or she does or you have a low sex drive and your partner doesn’t or vice versa. Or say you’re just into different things and you have different kinks and neither of you are quite willing to bend to accommodate the other. Like, this is why you should probably fuck as often as you can before you make a long-term commitment with the person you’re with. You’re going to want to find out how you mesh in the sack. And the sex that you have will have a big impact on the kind of relationship you end up with. It’s not the only thing that matters, but it’s definitely one of the big things.

If you aren’t having great sex with the person you’re with you’re way more likely to get back into an ‘ex with benefits’ type of situation. And not that sex with your current partner has to be amazing all the time, there should be a certain amount of consistency with it. In other words, communicate and fuck as much as you possibly can.

1. My ex and I have a situation. We’re exes with benefits, so to speak. If she’s not with someone and I’m not, we meet up, drink some wine, eat some sushi, eat each other, and go home. It’s a sweet arrangement.

2. I love sex with my ex. It’s way better than when we were together. This ex with benefits deal is awesome.

RELATED TERMS:

Booty Call

Friend with Benefits

If you’re not and you happen to be prone to bitterness, martyrdom, and self-pity, you will likely call your ex an ex-hole forever, or at least for much longer than the average person. We get it, okay. He ruined your life. She stole your favourite watch and now pretends she lost it. He brought a prostitute home while your aunt was visiting. She smoked so much crack she set fire to the house and you lost everything. He ran over your dog. We know you hate him and despise her and would like to kill him and burn her nipples off. But, just to keep things in a tad bit of perspective, how about asking yourself why you chose this particular dysfunctional person to be in a relationship with in the first place. And once you realized they had a bit more than just the average crazy, why did you continue to stay?

Most people hate their exes for at least a little while. It’s normal and kind of healthy and allows one to begin to bounce back after feeling totally rejected. Most of us have been ex-holes to somebody or other whether we knew it or not. I know for sure of one time when I would’ve been known as an ex-hole, and I’m sure there are more. The thing is, you just have to try your best to act with integrity. If you cheated on him with his twin brother, try to own up to your actions and apologize and understand if your ex never wants to see your ‘ugly, puss-filled, worm-eaten face’ ever again. Probably he’ll come around. Especially once he finds out that his twin brother is actually gay and while you were sucking his cock he was thinking about his best friend. These things have a way of working themselves out.

1. I fucking hate my ex. The second he could, he went after my older sister and then my younger sister. When both of them rejected him, he went for my mother. After my mother banged him, he stole my cat. He’s a total ex-hole.

2. I was an ex-hole to my husband. Luckily he died recently so I can finally stop feeling guilty about my affair with his dad. We’re getting married tomorrow!

RELATED TERMS:

Baby Daddy

Ex with Benefits

Regular engagements are freaky and scary and make most of us (well, most of us who are honest with ourselves) terrified of the future. Engayments, however, are thrilling and rebellious and awesome and make us all wish we were gay. Maybe it’s because there are so many stereotypes that go along with regular marriages that we’re all extremely gun-shy. Maybe we all secretly want nothing more but to have the security that comes with marriage without any of the obligation or responsibility to that other person and to your relationship. Maybe we all just want to fuck around.

If you get engayed, it’s crucial that you spend the appropriate amount of time flaunting your engayment. Have a super hot engayment party, complete with champagne flutes and fancy sandwiches and crème brule. Get everyone to dress up all suave and tell stories of how awesome your relationship is. Make sure to brag to all your friends who live in other countries where same-sex marriage isn’t legally recognized. Make your friends jealous. The sex they’re having is not nearly as hot as what you’re getting, plus they have to deal with the horrifying gender stereotypes that plague their lives.

1. I just totally got engayed. I can’t wait for my boyfriend to become my big gay husband. We’re totally getting matching cock rings for the ceremony.

2. My engayment party was hotter than Bella Swans big gay wedding on Twilight. She thought she was such a fucking queen. I’ll show that skinny bitch how to truly appreciate a man. If I had Edward, his hot vampire cock would never leave my mouth.

RELATED TERMS:

Gay

Homosexual

Being easy on the eyes is a fantastic benefit for people born lucky enough to be considered “hot”. It’s not as good for men as it is for women, though. Shit dude, a woman that is born super-hot has it made in the shade if she plays her cards right. She won’t ever have to do anything, lift anything, think, buy her own drinks, get a job, or feel lonely for her whole life. And, if she’s got big tits, forget about it. As long as she doesn’t smell, she’ll end up as some millionaire’s trophy wife with a butler bringing her margaritas by the pool side before she’s twenty-two.

Heck, even if she does smell, if her tits are big enough, she still won’t have any problems.

It’s always been that way, and it will always be that way. Study after study shows that attractive men and women get jobs over better-qualified but less-attractive applicants. Hot women get out of traffic tickets more often than ugly chicks. To make things worse, it is something that starts at birth. I saw a news program that showed that babies prefer looking at pictures of hot women, and cried when they were shown pictures of gross women. It was actually the same woman, Madonna, just back when she was hot in the eighties and then more recent pics where she looks like an evil monster.

If you are not easy on the eyes, there are a lot of things you can do to appear more attractive. I’m not saying you should, because at the end of the day people shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. But, if you want to get more out of your life, unfortunately being hot will help you. First thing you want to do is hit the gym. Ladies, get fit. Dudes, get strong. Arnold Schwarzenegger was not a handsome fellow back when he was winning the Mr. Universe pageants, but he got a lot of ladies because of his muscular body.

Second, act like you’re hot. Self-confidence is always attractive, so if you act like you’re the shit, people will subconsciously become attracted to you. Don’t get cocky, just confident.

If you are easy on the eyes, it’s your responsibility to fuck an ugly person every now and then. Give their life a bright spot that they can remember on their deathbed, will you? It’s an hour out of your life, and the highlight of theirs.

1. I find Emma Watson Easy on the Eyes, and would enjoy getting to know her better.

2. Sophia Vergara is Easy on the Eyes, but hard on the ears.

RELATED TERMS:

Butter Face

Turned On

But maybe that’s too personal. Maybe you didn’t want to know all about my thick, meaty cock and how I don’t know how to count too well. I apologize.

I think there is a band called “Finger Eleven”. I don’t keep up on the pop music too much, because of how it sucks and all, but I assume their band name is a slang term for penis. And, since popular musicians get hot-and-cold running pussy on tap, it’s really kind of an appropriate name. My favorite name for a band was “Moist”. Talk about not hiding what you’re into. “Hey, ladies. Our music makes your pussy wet. Let’s fuck.” Is what they’re really saying. I should point out that I’m not against all pop music, just the stuff that’s based on image and dancing and videos and hype. I’ll take music based on the music, thanks.

Don’t you think it’s strange that there are so few ugly musicians? It’s like the record companies know that they’ll sell more albums if they put generic music out with a hot singer. It’s too bad. There was a sweet time in the 60s/70s when it didn’t matter how ugly the singer was, as long as the music rocked. I’m looking at you, Tom Waits.

It’s actually too bad that your eleventh finger can’t perform like your other ten fingers. The great thing about finger-fucking a woman is that you can bend your fingers up and stimulate her g-spot. Most cocks are straight when they’re hard, so hitting the g-spot with a dick is tricky. You have to use positions to make it happen. It’d be so sweet if you could use your mind to bend your dick while it was inside the pussy so that it rubbed her g-spot. Stupid evolution.

It is considered an insult to give someone the finger. It is considered amazing to give them the eleventh finger. Of course, every man’s eleventh finger is shaped differently. Don’t get discouraged if your eleventh finger isn’t as big or thick as your buddy’s or the porn stars you watch when you masturbate. Size is not important, if your woman has strong Kegels. If she thinks you’re too small, what she’s really saying is that her pussy is too loose. With a simple Kegel exercise regiment, any dick can be gripped hard by a woman’s pussy.

1. Please suck my Eleventh Finger, Selena Gomez.

2. Please sit on my Eleventh Finger, Scarlett Johansson.

RELATED TERMS:

Cock

Kegel Exercises

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

And remember – just because a man is effeminate does not necessarily mean that he is homosexual. He could just as easily be bisexual or totally heterosexual. In fact, by being effeminate and having a lot of female friends, it is easier for him to meet and date new women. He’s already established trust with his female friends, and that’s the key to getting a first date with new women. Well, that and an expensive car or bulging package.

Not that there is anything wrong with that. Fucking whores.

Anyway, the trick to knowing why you are effeminate is to take a good, hard, honest look at yourself. Is it because you are gay, and are just hiding the fact from yourself, friends, and family? Or, is it just because that’s the way you are, even though you love pussy? Either way, it’s OK, but knowing the truth will help you. If it is because you’re gay, just be brave. Tell your friends and family, and have a happy, truthful life.

If it’s just because that’s the way you grew up, that’s fine too. You should immediately try to start hanging out with a lot of women. They’ll love hanging out with you because you act like they do, but you have the novelty of being a man. You can answer the questions they have about men, and answer honestly. Plus, since you’re hetero, you can find out which of them is hottest in bed, and use your inside track to seduce them.

Let’s say the hottest chick in your effeminate circle of friends is having man troubles. She calls you because she’s really upset that she just broke up with her fellow. You go over with a big bottle of wine and some grass. You drink and listen, consoling her and filling her glass often with more wine. You tell her that she is beautiful and sexy and deserves someone better. When she goes to the washroom to wash her face, you turn the heat up in her apartment. She takes off some clothes. You make a move. She takes off more clothes.

If you fuck her hard and all night, you’ll be in like Flynn. She’ll tell all her friends about how you’re sensitive and a sex stallion. Your fuck card will be filled for the next decade. Not a bad way to go, is it?

1. Despite his Effeminacy, Harry got more pussy than all his macho friends combined.

2. Chuck was worried that his son’s effeminacy meant that he was gay. He was right to be worried. His son is a world class peter puffer.

RELATED TERMS:

Gay

In Like Flynn

The most modern form of a politically inspired Eunuch is Adolph Hitler, who rose to the ranks of power in Germany prior to World War One resting comfortably on the laurels of his single left nut. It is unclear whether or not Hitler purposefully had his testicle removed to spur his political career and trustworthiness, or whether he was tortured and maimed by a cruel, Jewish classmate in elementary school who happened to pocket a scalpel from biology class and had an incredible knack for dissecting frogs (which would explain a lot).

Today, aside from testicular cancer survivors, shemales, trannies, and Ladyboy’s, very few men actually become real Eunuchs. What is more common, however, are men who appear to have their testicles removed, usually by their bitchy, controlling wives or equally bitchy Succubus girlfriends. We often describe these spine-less, vaginally controlled paintywaists as having ‘their balls in their purse,” or more accurately, having their balls in “her” purse.

Typically, these men used to drink beer, play pool, smoke pot, talk about hot chicks they’ve fucked, and pretty much every other thing that most guys do. Now, however, since his new lady friend has performed a lobotomy/castration on his manhood, he suddenly drinks varying types of red wine, lattes, and herbal tea; calls his girlfriend “his partner,” and suddenly took up yoga and claims he likes Rom Coms. The sad fate of these Eunuchs is that even after said new girlfriend cheats on him, he still never re-grows his testicles or reclaims his manhood ever again. Instead, he becomes your lonely, manic-depressive friend who lives in his parents’ basement, orders pizza 6 nights a week, and plays RPG games online with teenagers from Japan.

1. When I went to Rome I went to the museum of Eunuchs. It looked like someone made a million replicas of the statue of David and then invited the female Gold team over for driving range practice.

2. I used to think my best friend was a Eunuch because he never tried to hit on my girlfriend the way I hit on his. Ten years later, I found out he was just gay.

RELATED TERMS:

Balls

Quiff