Eunuch is the term given to a male who has had their testicles removed, for one reason or another. This surgical procedure was quite common in Ancient Rome, usually performed on men who were going to enter into government service where they would have a close relationship with the king. Traditionally, it was believed that in order for the King to trust another man 100%, then that man had to be without testicles, so that there was no threat of him trying to usurp the throne or sleep with the Queen. According to modern day science, this makes perfect sense, because not only will a Eunuch have no sexual desire, but they also have no ‘metaphorical balls,’ or gumption, which is needed in order to overthrow a King. They’re like the nerdy kid from Lord of the Flies, the only douche bag who is lame enough to actually defend Piggy.
The most modern form of a politically inspired Eunuch is Adolph Hitler, who rose to the ranks of power in Germany prior to World War One resting comfortably on the laurels of his single left nut. It is unclear whether or not Hitler purposefully had his testicle removed to spur his political career and trustworthiness, or whether he was tortured and maimed by a cruel, Jewish classmate in elementary school who happened to pocket a scalpel from biology class and had an incredible knack for dissecting frogs (which would explain a lot).
Today, aside from testicular cancer survivors, shemales, trannies, and Ladyboy’s, very few men actually become real Eunuchs. What is more common, however, are men who appear to have their testicles removed, usually by their bitchy, controlling wives or equally bitchy Succubus girlfriends. We often describe these spine-less, vaginally controlled paintywaists as having ‘their balls in their purse,” or more accurately, having their balls in “her” purse.
Typically, these men used to drink beer, play pool, smoke pot, talk about hot chicks they’ve fucked, and pretty much every other thing that most guys do. Now, however, since his new lady friend has performed a lobotomy/castration on his manhood, he suddenly drinks varying types of red wine, lattes, and herbal tea; calls his girlfriend “his partner,” and suddenly took up yoga and claims he likes Rom Coms. The sad fate of these Eunuchs is that even after said new girlfriend cheats on him, he still never re-grows his testicles or reclaims his manhood ever again. Instead, he becomes your lonely, manic-depressive friend who lives in his parents’ basement, orders pizza 6 nights a week, and plays RPG games online with teenagers from Japan.
1. When I went to Rome I went to the museum of Eunuchs. It looked like someone made a million replicas of the statue of David and then invited the female Gold team over for driving range practice.
2. I used to think my best friend was a Eunuch because he never tried to hit on my girlfriend the way I hit on his. Ten years later, I found out he was just gay.
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