The Descent is the term given for the fateful plunge one takes the first time they finally decide to perform oral sex on their new sexual partner. The real reason that someone has so much trepidation about going down on a new partner for the first time is because of the “fear of the unknown.” When Churchill said that ‘we have nothing to fear but fear itself,’ he clearly had never seen a yeast infection, or an explosion of genital warts that pretty much swallows a scrotum whole.
Really, you never know what you’re going to get when you finally get the guts to start moving your way down to their crotch. You could be pleasantly surprised, unzipping their fly and pulling off their underwear to discover a perfectly trimmed, freshly cleaned and healthy vagina, or in the case of women, a well-manicured and virile cock free of STD’s. However, you could also end up staring a colony of crabs in the face, or sitting eye to eye with a grotesque mountain of Herpes sores shrouded by a thickly curled jungle-bush of a pubic mound. Really, there’s no way of knowing except by taking the plunge and making the descent. But, if you’re still a little scared of going down there, I suggest using a technique I learned back in swimming lessons when I was learning how to dive: always go in hands first.
The Descent can also refer to someone who is performing oral sex for the first time ever, but that fear is entirely normal and harmless. They’re only afraid of it because they’re scared that they’re going to be really bad at it, or that the vagina or penis they’re about to mow down on is going to taste really bad and then they’ll start gagging or vomiting right in the middle of it. Well, that’s a fear that need not arise. Why fear what you already know is true? Just buy yourself one of those invisible dental dams and keep your eyes closed the whole time. You don’t be able to see, or taste a thing. After doing that for a couple of months, you’ll get so turned on by the orgasms you gave your partner that the fish sauce taste won’t even be noticeable anymore.
1. Karl is a thirty seven year old man who has a healthy and active sex life, but he hasn’t gone down on a girl in 20 years. Apparently when he was 17 years old his father hired a prostitute from the local bowling alley so his son could become a man. Rumour has it he saw something on the descent that he could never forget.
2. Sometimes, when I’m afraid of making the decent, I’ll break into the local medical clinic at night and scan all the patient files for my new partner’s name. Of course, even if I don’t find it, scanning through the entire town’s medical records pretty much turns me off of sex for the next few years, or at least until I move again.
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