Really, you never know what you’re going to get when you finally get the guts to start moving your way down to their crotch. You could be pleasantly surprised, unzipping their fly and pulling off their underwear to discover a perfectly trimmed, freshly cleaned and healthy vagina, or in the case of women, a well-manicured and virile cock free of STD’s. However, you could also end up staring a colony of crabs in the face, or sitting eye to eye with a grotesque mountain of Herpes sores shrouded by a thickly curled jungle-bush of a pubic mound.  Really, there’s no way of knowing except by taking the plunge and making the descent. But, if you’re still a little scared of going down there, I suggest using a technique I learned back in swimming lessons when I was learning how to dive: always go in hands first.

The Descent can also refer to someone who is performing oral sex for the first time ever, but that fear is entirely normal and harmless. They’re only afraid of it because they’re scared that they’re going to be really bad at it, or that the vagina or penis they’re about to mow down on is going to taste really bad and then they’ll start gagging or vomiting right in the middle of it. Well, that’s a fear that need not arise. Why fear what you already know is true? Just buy yourself one of those invisible dental dams and keep your eyes closed the whole time. You don’t be able to see, or taste a thing. After doing that for a couple of months, you’ll get so turned on by the orgasms you gave your partner that the fish sauce taste won’t even be noticeable anymore.

1. Karl is a thirty seven year old man who has a healthy and active sex life, but he hasn’t gone down on a girl in 20 years. Apparently when he was 17 years old his father hired a prostitute from the local bowling alley so his son could become a man. Rumour has it he saw something on the descent that he could never forget.

2. Sometimes, when I’m afraid of making the decent, I’ll break into the local medical clinic at night and scan all the patient files for my new partner’s name. Of course, even if I don’t find it, scanning through the entire town’s medical records pretty much turns me off of sex for the next few years, or at least until I move again.

RELATED TERMS:

Blowjob             

Oral Sex 

Just remember that the word Dyke can still be considered very offensive and rude if it is said by a person who is not a lesbian themselves. If a man says it, it’s considered rude and offensive. If a straight woman says, she’s a homophobic bitch. And if any politician says it, then they’re probably Republican. So, keep it clean folks. No matter how many times your lesbian friend uses the term Dyke, it will NEVER become okay for you to do it too. The same rule applies to all those white teenage rappers. Just because they say it, doesn’t mean you can.

1. When Lucy finally came out to her parents and told them she was a Dyke, they tried to accuse her of being homophobic.

2. In University, a Dyke refers to a female lesbian. In prison, it refers generically to inmate.

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Lesbian

Muff Diving

Of course, I have to admit that some women seem to have these luscious, moist lips that they ever so slightly dab at with the tip of their tongue to keep them moist, all while giving you furtive glances and seductive smiles every so often. I’ll admit, these girls have Dick Sucking Lips. Usually, these girls have lips that look like they could swallow your entire cock whole without even stretching their mouth open all the way. You’ll know if a girl has DSL simply by watching her eat her lunch in the cafeteria or shopping mall food court. If she happens to be deep throating a banana or an ice cream cone with forty or fifty drooling men staring at her, then she’s probably got fantastic dick sucking lips.

1. My old girlfriend had the best DSL ever. Unfortunately for me she was terrible at giving head. It was like watching a penguin try to fly. They’ve got the wings, but they don’t have a clue how to use them.

2. I quite smoking years ago, but I still like to go out to the smoke pit at bars to watch all the girls with DSL taking those huge, long, satisfying drags. It’s the only time I still wish I smoked, but I’m not entirely sure that’s what my brain is craving.

RELATED TERMS:

Blowjob

Oral Sex

Not all Dick Magnets are hot girls. In fact, many dick magnets are barely attractive at all, yet they still manage to attract numerous men on a nightly basis and get laid all the time. How is this possible, you might ask? They’re slutty. Even if its not overt, there is something about these women that just exudes sexuality and horniness every time they speak. A simple glance or smile from some of these ugly women can garner more attention from all the studs in the room than the hottest captain of the cheerleading squad, or the most flexible stripper at a strip club. Even if we know these women are double baggers, we can’t help but get instant erections every time they talk to us, just because they send out some strange pharamones that make us think they desperately want to fuck us. They also give off the subtle impression that they would be absolutely incredible in bed.

Another surprising and overlooked example of a dick magnet is the straight, heterosexual man who happens to attract a lot of gay men wherever he goes. Weirdly enough, these men aren’t effeminate or metrosexual in any way, and they don’t appear to be one of those macho gay men either. In fact, most gay men know immediately that this particular dick magnet is staunchly straight, yet they can’t help but to flock to him. It’s the magnetic force of a dick magnet, grabbing onto the tip of their cocks like a hooked fish.

Now, once in a while dick magnet can be used to describes objects or events that typically attract a lot of me, and there isn’t always anything sexual about it. A Car show, for example, is a total dick magnet because you rarely see women attending them unless they’re sprawled out on top of the hood of a Mustang in a bikini. Another non-sexual example of a dick magnet would be any public fight, whether it’s two professional MMA fighters duking it out in the ring in front of thousands of fans, or two homeless dudes squabbling over a stale piece of hotdog bun in the back alley behind Wendy’s. Either way, cocks will be surrounding that fight like Japanese businessmen on a dead prostitute.

1. Sarah’s best friend in college was a total dick magnet. Every time she went out to the bar with her she’d just wait around the flock of men until last call, then get scooped up like a French fry from a flock of seagulls after her friend chose her favourite one and left the bar.

2. If you want to create your own dick magnet, just buy a Keg of beer and pay two homeless guys to fight each other for an hour. Your house will be like a Frat Party in no time at all.

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Lady’s Man 

Slut

Dick Inches simply refers to the exaggerated, inaccurate method of measurement that men seem to use when they decide to tell other people how big or small their cock is. You see, a regular inch is technically 2.5cm in length, where as a dick inch would be more like 1 to 1.5 centimeters in length. The term comes from the fact that pretty much any guy who gives you his cock size in inches, you can bet money on the fact that it’s probably at least a few inches smaller than what he claims. Therefore, if a man claims to be 9 inches long, he’s actually only 5-6 inches, since he was clearly measuring his own 9 in dick inches.

1. Karl and Jason agreed to measure each other’s dicks so that they could prove they were exaggerating about their penis size and counting in dick inches. Unfortunately, by the time they proved it, they weren’t too interested in bragging to the ladies at the party anymore.

2. If a guy gives you a exact size of his cock or his biceps, you can count on the fact that he’s measuring in dick inches.

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Cock

Morning Wood

A dopplebanger is one of those eerily strange sexual phenomenon where someone has sex with another person who looks identical to them, even though they’re not related (at least to their knowledge). Chances are, they were the byproduct of an affair, a regular visit from a horny mailman, or a prostitute who gave both her babies up for adoption. Of course, to their knowledge, they were raised by their biological parents their whole life, and that’s as much as they know about it. So, when they find themselves one night at the bar hitting on a member of the opposite sex who happens to look extremely similar to them, and oddly enough shares similar mannerisms, the last thing they think of when they’re climaxing later that night is that they just had sex with their long lost sibling. But, sadly to say, it happens. Often.

Of course, that isn’t to say that ALL dopplebangers are actually identical twins separated at birth. In some cases, a true dopplebanger exists, and although it’s not technically incest or illegal for those two individuals to bang, it’s still incredibly creepy to all of their friends.

Perhaps the worst case of dopplebanger mistaken-identity was a couple from New England, who were married for seven years and had three children together. Over the years, the parents noticed that each of their children were a little slow, and looked strangely like they suffered from Downs Syndrome even though the Doctor’s swear that they don’t have it. Finally, one day the couple accidentally discovered through a random DNA test at the hospital that they were actually identical twins separated at birth and given up for adoption in completely different states.

Not surprisingly, the couple declined every single interview suggested by news media and reporters, and they have since separated, cut off all contact with each other, and moved to completely different countries. So, the moral of the story and the lesson learned from this dopplebanger experience is that it’s never worth the risk to have sex with someone who looks just like you, no matter how hot you think you are. If a member of the opposite sex who looks eerily familiar and keeps finishing all of your sentences for you even though you just met, don’t be fooled into thinking it’s love at first sight or true love at last. Chances are, your Mother was a whore and that person is your sibling. If you’re still tempted to sleep with them, just try imagining your future children, glossy eyed mongrels named Opie who can barely string a sentence together at the age of 15. If that still doesn’t turn you off, then chances are you’re into incest, and I’m sure there are some fetish sites you could visit.

1. If you see your dopplebanger one night and you’re worried she might be related, but you’re still really attracted to her, just don’t give her your real name and make sure you use a condom. There’s no harm in pretending you didn’t notice the similarity, as long as you never see her again.

2. If I ever had sex with my dopplebanger, I’d never admit it to anyone. The female version of me would NOT be attractive.

RELATED TERMS:

Immoral

Incest

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The word dome has been used for several different types of sexual slang meanings, and most of those are somehow centered around the human genitalia.

First of all, the most popular slang meaning for dome is “oral sex,” popularized by Christian school girls in Catholic high schools who wanted to be able to talk about their sexual escapades in front of their classmates and eavesdropping teachers, without being reprimanded. As result, it is not uncommon to hear phrases such as “As long as you only dome him, God will not consider it a sin,” and “In the back of the church on Friday night mass, I totally domed my boyfriend and no one even noticed!” The reason for the reference to oral sex is simply because of the shape of someone’s mouth when they are performing oral on someone. Whether it’s a woman sucking a man’s cock, or a guy slobbering all over a girl’s clit, the general shape of their mouths is a dome, one that smothers and inhales the particular cock or vagina in question.

Another common slang meaning for the word dome is a condom or rubber, for the same reasons as above. The only difference is that while a mouth smothering your penis feels extremely good, a thick piece of chemically laced latex suffocating the head of your cock feels about as good as a Herpes related itch that was left too long without cream. I don’t think I need to reiterate the beliefs and policies that we at orgasm.com have about using condoms, but just in case you’re unaware, our advice is that if you’re going to make a guy wear a condom you might as well numb his penis with a bucket of ice first because that’s about as much sensation as he’ll ever get from fucking you anyway.

Another less common use of the term dome comes from the world of threesomes, and usually refers to married couples who seek out a third party to spice things up in the bedroom. When performing a dome, the newly invited sexual third wheel places their hands and feet on the floor, arching their back and separating their hands and feet out so that their body resembles a dome shape. Then, the male partner comes behind and fucks that person doggie style, and the female lies on her back in front of the doming individual, spreads her legs, and forces that person to eat her out while they get fucked. The real challenge for the doming individual is to not fall down or lose their balance as they get their face and their ass fucked at the same time.

1. When I was in high school, the best thing about the Catholic school board implementing mandatory school uniforms is that it gave all the boys easy access to their girlfriends if they wanted to dome them in the janitor’s closet at lunch hour.

2. In case you didn’t know, you still need to wear a dome in order to receive dome, because most STD’s are transferable through oral.

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Blowjob

Oral Sex

Dick Flick’s also have nothing to do with gay porn and the overexposure of multiple cocks. The best example I can think of for a recent “Dick Flick” would be the movie Drive, with Ryan Gosling. Even though girls get wet over this movie, it’s still largely considered a dick flick, one of those testosterone-driven films with hundreds of car chases, explosions, and flashes of tits and women having orgasms and men smoking cigarettes or flicking toothpicks around in their mouths before a fight breaks out. Some classic examples of popular dick flicks out of Hollywood include Die Hard, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, and Girls Gone Wild. Striptease is another great one, at least for the boob shots and getting to see a cast member from the original Saved by the Bell completely nude and doing a striptease. Who knew the nerdy, feminist smart one would end up becoming a stripper? I guess Harvard is expensive these days.

The theme and setting for the average Dick Flick can vary to a large degree. Most of them are set in the 21^st Century in North American cities, and usually involve gangs, car thieves, bank robbers, hot chicks, and dudes who like to drink and swear. However, other examples, such as Boondock Saints, From Dusk til Dawn, or Snatch, can be considered Dick Flicks even though they’re not set in America or don’t involve car chases that often. Basically, if guys like it, they show some tits, and its violent, then chances are that film could be classified as a dick flick.

If, however, someone falls in love and actually ends up happy, or the viewers always cry at a particular scene, then it is most definitely not a dick flick. It’s probably just one of those lame movies that your high school English teacher would always recommend and make the class watch when she was hungover or going through a particular bad part of her divorce.

1. When my buddy asked me if I wanted to watch a Dick Flick I thought he was finally coming out of the closet. Instead, he popped in the movie From Dusk til Dawn, and pretended to get aroused by all the boob shots.

2. The movie Drive was probably one of the best Dick Flicks I’ve seen in years. Too bad Ryan Gosling is such a douche. I’m not sure how or why girls find him sexy. To me, he still looks like the lanky, nerdy kid from Breaker High.

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Homosexual

Machismo

Now, where were we? Right, Dutch rudder. A Dutch Rudder is a fairly simple process, where one man lies back in bed next to another man, and grabs his own cock with his hand. Then, his friend grabs onto the arm and starts working it for him like the rudder on a boat, so it feels like the first guy is getting a handjob from someone else even though he’s technically the only one touching his own dick.

Similarly, the double Dutch rudder involves both men grabbing their own cocks with one hand, and grabbing the other guy’s arm with their other hand, working the forearm up and down so that both men are “technically” masturbating, yet still get the sensation that someone else is getting them off. It’s also a really great way to avoid being labeled totally gay, since the only person who is actually touching your cock is you.

Unfortunately, like all things Dutch, the term Dutch Rudder has gotten a rather negative connotation revolving around money. In the world of prostitutes, a Dutch Rudder is when a man receives a blowjob from a hooker, but once he’s finally cum and cleaned himself up, he only pays her for a handjob, and in true Dutch fashion, NEVER leaves an extra tip. In fact, this is believed to be how the first settlers from Holland greeted their Canadian counterparts; by paying the women the price of a handjob and forcing them to give them a blowjob anyway. The worst part about that particular time in history, is that those women waiting for them on the Canadian shores weren’t prostitutes. Then again, that wouldn’t be the first time European history was tainted by a little bit of rape.

1. Last time I visited my ancestors in Holland, I woke up in the guest bedroom with my two teenage cousins giving each other a Dutch Rudder in the bed next to me. It was eight in the morning! Apparently, in Holland, all the boys give each other a good wank at eight in the morning because it’s the time when they’re done milking cows and their forearms are nice and taut, giving themselves a sturdy grip.

2. It is possible for two girls to give each other a Dutch Rudder, but it’s a lot messier, that’s for sure.

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Dutch Fuck                

Hand Job

There really is no good reason to do this except that it looks hilarious, and gives you the chance to touch another man’s cock without necessarily being considered gay (although to most people, you’re at least bisexual if your docking some other dudes boat).

Docking was actually first invented by an extremely heterosexual male writer in the twentieth century, known as Ernest Hemingway. As everyone knows, Hemingway was a total ladies man, and he also loved to get really drunk and high on a yacht for a few days and invite a whole bunch of male and female friends on board to join him.

In fact, the parties became so popular that he eventually had to start turning people away because there wasn’t enough room on the boat. More importantly, there were far too many young, good looking males showing up and stealing all the hot girls from Hemingway and his older, socially reclusive, ugly writer friends. After a long night of drinking Scotch and playing pin the tail on the donkey with a midget tied face first to the wall, Hemingway finally came up with the idea of a secret code.

What started off as a secret handshake until he realized it was cliché and boring (for some reason that never stopped him from writing his fiction though), soon turned into a strange and homoerotic act known as docking, where the next man in line waiting to board the party boat would be asked if he was invited. If he was invited, he would step forward, unzip his fly, and dock the uncircumcised bouncer waiting at the door. Any man who refused to do so was not permitted to enter his party, which was pretty much every straight or homophobic man.

You see, that was Hemingway’s genius. By developing a super gay secret dick shaking code to get in, he pretty much ensured that no overtly heterosexual young man would try to come. Essentially, it would just be him, a room full of ladies, and a handful of gay men, ugly bisexuals, or guys who were just desperate enough to get laid to shove their mushroom tip inside another man’s tree trunk. That left Hemingway first pick of the litter of hot young ladies who were only there because they wanted to fall in love with a famous writer.

1. If you try to go docking with another man, and you’re both circumcised, it’s just called “pirating” because one penis has to overcome the other.

2. If you ever really want to go docking, make sure that the man you’re doing it with has good hygiene. There’s nothing worse than dipping your mushroom tip into someone else’s cheese sauce. It’s a smell that never really leaves you, no matter how many times you shower.

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Foreskin          

Glans