A Dutch Oven means to trap your sleeping partner’s head under the covers after farting. It is a classic move that men and women have been doing to one another since the beginning of time. It is hilarious, harmless, and not juvenile in any way, despite what my girlfriends have been screaming at me for the past twenty years.
I guess it’s not technically harmless. I’ve had some pretty toxic farts in my day, and had I given a woman the Dutch Oven after one of those foul stinkers, it might have killed her. Brain damage at the very least. I suppose pink eye is also a potential problem if you sleep naked, which I do. The shit particles get everywhere during a nude Dutch Oven.
The trick with the Dutch Oven is not waking your partner when you fart. Sometimes this is easy, especially if the fart in question is a silent one. However, if the fart is going to be loud, control is needed. You have to put the “silencer” on it. Instead of the normal farting procedure, you have to slowly let it out so that the noise is quieter. Once the fart is fully out, you slowly pull the cover over your partner’s head and wait.
The waiting is the best part.
I like to quietly get out of the bed and watch from a safe distance. It’s awesome. You see the person motionless as they sleep. Then you can tell they’ve started to breathe in the fart when they move around a little bit. Then, after about thirty seconds, they wake up with a start, realize they’ve fallen victim to a Dutch Oven, and throw the covers off as they gasp for fresh air.
It is hilarious.
You might have to sleep on the couch that night, and you can bet your ass they’re going to try to give you the Dutch Oven for revenge. But, for that night at least, you are the king of all you survey.
If you’re after a revenge Dutch Oven, there are things you can do to really get back at someone. First, and most importantly, is dinner. Taco Bell. Then, just before you go to bed, eat a couple of hard boiled eggs. If the eggs are about to expire, even better. Next, make sure the heaviest synthetic blanket you have is on the bed. No breathable fabrics. You want the fart contained. Lastly, go to bed naked. You don’t want your pajamas soaking up any of your revenge Dutch Oven. If you can get your partner drunk so they sleep more soundly, even better.
Have a camera ready for the moment they throw the blanket off. Make it this year’s Christmas Card photo. Revenge is yours.
1. Andre the Giant gave his girlfriend a Dutch Oven and she died.
2. The Dutch Oven is powerless against people who have lost their sense of smell. Poop on them instead.
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