Now, as our avid readers already know, we at orgasm.com rarely ever recommend actually wearing a condom. But, once in a while, it’s a necessary thing in order to avoid some seriously nasty STD’s that would cripple your sex life for good.

So, in the interest of fairness and promoting sexual education, I have decided to provide a list of potential scenarios where you need to condomplate, and finally decide to put on a condom.

1. The girl lying on the bed in front of you opens her legs and says, “My name is Leanne, what’s yours?”

2. You’re about to jump into bed with the most popular girl in your College. It rarely happens unless you’re a total stud, but if you’re lucky enough to pick her up, just remember that she’s popular for a reason. Wrap that shit up!

3. While making out with the girl in question, she stops suddenly, starts giggling, and says, “Every single one of your friends kisses the exact same way! OMG! It’s sooo weird.”

4. You’re paying for it.

5. She’s paying for it.

6. You’re only 2 dates in and the girl in question has already mentioned her deep desire to bear children some day.

7. She asked you not to kiss her on the mouth because she just got over a really bad cold sore.

8. You get that strange feeling that you’ve seen her on TV somewhere before. Chances are you’re wrong. It was probably the internet. And it was probably porn.

9. If, at any point throughout the night, she mentioned a recent trip to the clinic in passing.

10. She’s at least 5 points out of your league. Chances are if you managed to pick up a girl that is way hotter than yourself, she’s most likely a little bit of a slut. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but it does increase your need to wear a condom. And possibly a cock bib as well, depending on how hot she is.

11. Your drunk, and about to unzip your pants and start fucking, when you suddenly have a moment of sobriety and look around you, realizing you’re in a strip club.

12. You’re on vacation in The Dominican.

13. She’s Catholic.

14. There is more than one woman.

15. She wasn’t wearing any panties beneath her skirt.

As long as your situation doesn’t resemble any of the scenarios listed above, you should be totally fine to ride it bareback. If not, wrap it up.

1. The last time I had to condomplate using protection was coincidentally the last time I ever stepped foot in a strip club.

2. One time Steve forgot to Condomplate in College. Now he’s a father and works at Walmart.

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Condom

Oral Contraceptive

It could really happen to anyone, even a total stud. Some night you might be out at your favourite pub or dance club, chatting this hot blonde up all night. You’ve spent half your week’s pay cheque on drinks for her and all her friends, and you’re sure she’s only one more tequila shot away from coming home with you. Not only are you certain that you’re going to get laid, but she’s also the hottest chick in the bar and way out of your league. Really, it’s a total miracle that this girl is even giving you the time of day, let alone about to sleep with you. Maybe she’s a total nymphomaniac, or dropped a few pills of E, or just found out that her boyfriend is cheating on her and she’s vulnerable and wants a good revenge fuck. Whatever the reason is, you’re absolutely certain that this girl is about to make all your deepest darkest fantasies come true.

Then, it all falls apart in a split second. Maybe you head up to the bar to pay the bill, or head to the washroom for a quick piss before you take her home, and when you come back she’s pressed up against the wall getting a tongue rammed down her throat by some huge muscular dude while she stuffs her hand down his pants and jerks him off. And that’s it! Your world is over. You’ll never even get another chance to talk to a girl that hot, and there is no way you can fight the guy over her because he’s one of those jacked-up dominant male monkey type of guys, and he’s sure to kick your ass. You’re so hard up now that you can’t even hit on one of her semi-hot friends because you’ve spent the whole night ignoring them and now some other loser has already swooped in and picked them up. You’ve been cock blocked on all angles. Even the really ugly female rugby player is getting it on at the dance floor with the only lesbian in the entire bar, so you can’t even stoop to that level and go for a double bagger. You’re absolutely hopeless, and there is no chance in hell you’re getting laid tonight. It’s the cockblocalypse; the end of your hard-on as you know it.

1. I once attended a Girls Gone Wild video party and the male to female ratio was 1 to 10. Unfortunately for me, it ended up being the cockblocalypse for me. I still have nightmares from it.

2. If you ever find yourself in a cockblocalypse, run out of that bar as soon as possible and hire yourself a hooker before your erection goes away. If you wait too long and let the rejection and humiliation set in, you’ll lose your Mojo forever and it’ll be years before you have the balls to get laid again.

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Chad

Cock Blocking

Basically, a cock bib is any piece of plastic or cloth sheath that has a hole in the center of it where you insert your penis. Remember those plastic sheets that the barber always wraps around your neck when they give you a hair cut so you don’t get hair clippings all over your clothes? Well, that’s pretty much what a cock bib looks like only it’s a whole lot smaller.

In order to properly use a cock bib, first you need to put on a rubber. After putting on a condom, you push your dick through the cock bib and it protects the rest of your genital area, including your testicles and man bush. Cock bibs are useful with certain girls where a condom clearly just isn’t enough protection from all the nasty skin irritations and STD’s they could give you. After all, sometimes a condom just enough to protect your junk, especially if they happen to have crabs.

1. I remember one time I took home the most popular girl in a Catholic high school. I had to use a condom AND a cock bib that night.

2. My girlfriend gets nasty cold sores at least once a month. But, when she does, I just slap on a cock bib when she gives me head.

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Men make similar promises all the time when two guys are interested in the same girl. However, the only difference between the male and female statement is that when women say it, they actually mean it. Men haven’t been able to follow the Bros Before Hoes rule since it was first created. Guys will sleep with their own brother’s wife if she’s hot enough and the opportunity arises. So, next time your “bro” tells you he likes the same girl as you and claims that he won’t hit on her because he adamantly believes in “Bros Before Hoes,” you’d better get over there and hit on that girl as fast as possible because if you don’t, he will.

1. When my girlfriend first met me she said that her and her best friend had been watching me for months, only they both agreed in “Chicks before Dicks.” Lucky for me, she broke that rule.

2. Sally told Christine that Chicks always came before Dicks. Later that night, she denounced her friendship when Christine’s recently ex boyfriend hit on her at the bar.

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For example, you might have had a friend in college who NEVER went out drinking with you on the weekend at your favourite local bar in Toronto. The reason for this was because he was constantly driving back to Thunder Bay every single weekend to visit his girlfriend, just so he could get laid. Well, his carbon cockprint would be enormous simply because of all the gas he used driving his car a total of 25-30 hours every weekend just so he could have sex with the same girl he used to have sex with in high school.

Of course, it’s not only men who are whipped and easily lured by their long term girlfriends. Some men are just really horny and desperate, without many options. So, when a girl they met online who lives in Winnipeg tells him she wants to suck his cock this weekend, you’d better believe that he’s going to be hopping on the next VIA train, purchasing a return ticket from Halifax. That man’s carbon cockprint would also be huge.

In fact, racking up a massive carbon cockprint in the early days of high school and college is so common, there are actually carbon cockprint parties now that are usually hosted by men in their 40’s or 50’s who like to brag to their co-workers about how stupid they were in college and talk about the lengths they would go just to get some tail.

In case you’re wondering, there is also a female equivalent to the Carbon Cockprint, and it usually goes by two names: either the Carbon Clitprint or the Carbon Cuntprint.

For women, it is much more common to drastically increase your Carbon cuntprint over a guy that you’re in love with, rather than a man you simply want to sleep with. Women don’t even have to leave their own house to get laid, now that we have the internet and social networking sites like “Fuckbook.” There’s no way a hot girl is going to hop on a plane, spend 2000 dollars on a last minute flight across the country, and then rent a car and drive another 4 hours from the airport just to have sex. They will, however, do it for a relationship, as sitcoms like “Friends” has taught us many years ago.

1. Men these days have much larger Carbon Cockprints today than their ancestors did 150 years ago. Even if you traveled for five days straight to get a piece of tail, the amount of Methane produced by a horses ass is fairly minimal.

2. The number one leading cause of the growing hole in the ozone layer next to cow farts, is horny college dudes wreaking havoc on Mother Nature with their enormous Carbon Cockprints.

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If she’s not very hot though, or even just average looking, or even kind of hot, she probably can’t get away with being too crazy. If she’s average looking she needs to get along with your friends and let you go to poker without checking in and not say a word when your best bud has his bachelor party and she knows there will be strippers there. She needs to smile and nod and kiss you and probably promise you a blow job and keep her fucking mouth shut. Of course, if she loses twenty pounds and gets botox, maybe she can start checking in on poker nights. Maybe then she can insist that you go home early with her instead of staying late at the bar with the guys. Maybe then she can demand that you go with her to her cousin’s wedding and then spend the whole time telling her that she looks hotter than the bride. And maybe, if she gets her lips and ass done and dyes her hair red or blonde, maybe then she can convince you to propose to her. But in order to accomplish any of this she has to keep on getting hotter. That’s just how it works.

1. The crazy/hot scale is really the best way to tell if it’s worth dating any woman. She can make your life hell, but only if she’s gorgeous and knows how to suck dick. And if she can cook and make delicious cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. Fuck I could use a blowjob and some cream cheese.

2. My boyfriend started dating me because I was hot, but then he dumped me because I’m crazy. He came back to me because I started having threesomes with him. Now I’ve gained a few pounds. I guess I’ll have to just start taking loads in the face.

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Now, cold jerky doesn’t apply to someone who rarely masturbates, or gets laid so often that they hardly ever need to jerk themselves off. We reserve the term cold jerky to people who suffer from a severe addiction to their own hands and fingers, usually in and out of rehab centers looking for a ‘safe place,’ or hospitals and doctor’s offices because they desperately need some treatment and painkillers for their carpal tunnel syndrome.

The idea behind cold jerky was taken from the term “cold turkey,” which is used for heroin addicts and smokers, stating that the only way to truly quit an addiction is to give it up entirely, without any type of aid or substitute whatsoever. Although it works great for smokers and heroin addicts it rarely actually works for chronic jerk offs.

The biggest reason why all chronic masturbators fail is quite simple really. The leading cause of all relapses is pornography, particularly online porn. You see, the chronic masturbator thinks he is addicted to jerking off, but in reality, he’s actually just addicted to porn. So, he goes a few days without bustin a nut or choking his chicken, and decides to reward himself with just a little bit of arousal. So, he logs into his orgasm.com account, checks out his favourite categories for a quick perusal before work, and before he knows it he’s vigorously jacking off and cumming all over the keyboard of his Mac notebook. If that poor addict had simply bypassed the porno that day, he’d still be safely on the wagon. It wasn’t that he couldn’t resist jerking off, its that he couldn’t resist watching porno, and whether you’re alone or in the company of friends, if you’re watching porno there really is only one natural thing to do: masturbate.

You see, the chronic masturbator in this case just misdiagnosed their addiction, much like the smoker who thinks they are actually addicted to the act of smoking, when in reality its just the nicotine that they crave inside their blood. The smoking, much like jacking off for the porn addict, is just the vehicle to the drug of their choice.

The only other definition of the term cold jerky actually refers to a flaccid penis, and is primarily used in the gay community. If two men try to have sex and one man is flaccid and unable to perform, then the other male will tell all his friends the next day that he was just a “cold jerky,” meaning a lame and flaccid lay.

1. I’ve tried to quit masturbating five times by using prostitutes and going to the gym a lot. I finally realized the only way to quit was by going cold jerky.

2. Never try to quit smoking and masturbating at the same time. It’s about the only time going cold jerky won’t work. Once you quit smoking, you’ll have so much increased blood flow that you’ll have to start jerking off again.

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Masturbation 

Sex Addict              

Cleavage just refers to that deliciously tempting and seductive visible space or gap between a woman’s two breasts, usually popping out of her dress ever so slightly at a party, or sometimes it’s being shoved in your face while you’re chatting her up around last call at the bar. Either way, it’s a sure fire way to seduce a man. Even if a girl is absolutely hideous, she can still pick up a half decent drunk guy who gets super horny when he notices her gigantic tits and cleavage.

Perhaps the reason men go so crazy over cleavage, even from ugly girls, is because the cleavage resembles a vagina, and we immediately want to stick our penis inside that girl’s orifices and cracks. Or, perhaps its because almost all men secretly LOVE giving motorboats to fat girls, even if they aren’t the most attractive girls at the bar. We’d be willing to take one for the team any night of the week if it meant we’d get a half decent motorboat and a sloppy titty fuck out of it.

Now, for interests sake, let’s classify a few different types or categories of cleavage that one might see at a bar or party. First of all, and most alluring, is the “D Ditch.” This refers, quite obviously, to women who are sporting the giant double D breasts, creating a ditch the size of the grand canyon in between each mound of flesh. Unfortunately, unless she’s a porn star with a really good plastic surgeon, chances are if she’s got a “D ditch” she won’t be weighing in under the lightweight or welterweight category.

Next to the D ditch cleavage comes the “C cut,” which applies to the girls who have generously perky C cup sized boobs which form a perfect little slit at the top of their dress, one of the most popular forms of cleavage found in college frat parties.

Finally, we have the B cup ladies, usually seen at high school proms or female running teams, who proudly show off their “B Back” to the crowd as they sport their favourite sweater or sports bra. In other words, it usually looks like these girls have no boobs at all, just an upper back with a groove between the shoulder blades.

1. Uncle Herb never noticed his wife’s Cleavage until she put on 55 pounds after having children. It’s the only thing that actually saved their sex life, and forced him to quit his affair with the neighbor girl down the street. After all, how could a high school babysitter compare with a MILF sporting a “D Ditch?”

2. One of the best things about my wife’s cleavage is that if I buy a handful of chocolate bars and Twinkies before going to the movie theater, I can stuff them in between her breasts and no one will ever notice.

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Chads are absolutely hideous dressers, yet the majority of guys I meet at the bar dress like Chad, minus the trucker hat I suppose. Aside from the mesh trucker hat, a Chad usually has bleach-blonde or frosted hair, with the tips of his bangs gelled and spiked up at the front. Generally, he can be seen wearing a white or light pink polo shirt with the collar flipped up, with either a fake tan or an extremely red complexion because he either drinks too much, or fails to suntan properly. He can also be seen wearing a ringer t-shirt that is two sizes too small for him, pants that are two sizes too small for him, and even goes as far as wearing a wife beater in public. The reason for these incredibly tiny sizes is so that every muscle in his body, including his average-to-small penis, looks incredibly huge jutting out of his tight-fitting clothing. On winter nights, Chads are usually sporting a light colored, button-up t-shirt over top of a white wife beater or regular under shirt.

But, all of those fashion faux pas I can forgive, if it weren’t for one unforgivable thing. He always, without fail, drinks light beer. Even if you’re at a Micro-brew Pub or an Irish pub, which serves some of the darkest, headiest ales and lagers, this douche bag Chad will still order a “Bud Light” or a “Coors Light.” Even if there was absolutely nothing lighter than a regular Moosehead, he’d refuse to drink beer and switch to vodka sodas or  vodka cranberry. On top of all of that, he’s also the only guy in the bar who will dance by themselves in order to attract attention, swinging their jutting elbows from side to side as they stick their ass out and try to put their arms around the nearest girl on the dance floor.

1. I met this new guy at work and went out for a beer after our shift. I thought he was going to be cool, but he turned out to be a total Chad. When it was his turn to buy a round, he bought us a pitcher of Bud Light Lime. Who the fuck does that?

2. I swear to God, if I see one more Chad at my local drinking whole, I’m going to call in a bomb threat to the University and have them send all the students back home.

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Now, Cactus legs usually occur after a no shave period of three to 7 days in length, so really, it can happen to any girl. However, if you happen to be dating a hippie, feminist, or Tom Boy, then Cactus Legs are the least of your worries. Chances are, you’ll experience far worse in your lifetime, reaching down one night beneath the covers only to discover that you’re married to the lower half of Chewbaka.

1. Whenever my girlfriend ends up with Cactus Legs, I secretly buy her a day at the spa to get a bikini wax and a massage. She ALWAYS makes sure she shaved beforehand, because she gets super embarrassed if she goes there with hairy legs. It’s an expensive way for me to get smooth legs 95% of the time, but its well worth it.

2. If your wife sometimes has Cactus Legs, just stop shaving your balls for a few months. When she finally complains, just innocently say, “I thought you weren’t that concerned with body hair…” She’ll get the hint immediately.

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