Cockblocalypse is something that every single man dreads, but chances are that each and every one of us will end up experiencing it on some tragic night at the bar.
It could really happen to anyone, even a total stud. Some night you might be out at your favourite pub or dance club, chatting this hot blonde up all night. You’ve spent half your week’s pay cheque on drinks for her and all her friends, and you’re sure she’s only one more tequila shot away from coming home with you. Not only are you certain that you’re going to get laid, but she’s also the hottest chick in the bar and way out of your league. Really, it’s a total miracle that this girl is even giving you the time of day, let alone about to sleep with you. Maybe she’s a total nymphomaniac, or dropped a few pills of E, or just found out that her boyfriend is cheating on her and she’s vulnerable and wants a good revenge fuck. Whatever the reason is, you’re absolutely certain that this girl is about to make all your deepest darkest fantasies come true.
Then, it all falls apart in a split second. Maybe you head up to the bar to pay the bill, or head to the washroom for a quick piss before you take her home, and when you come back she’s pressed up against the wall getting a tongue rammed down her throat by some huge muscular dude while she stuffs her hand down his pants and jerks him off. And that’s it! Your world is over. You’ll never even get another chance to talk to a girl that hot, and there is no way you can fight the guy over her because he’s one of those jacked-up dominant male monkey type of guys, and he’s sure to kick your ass. You’re so hard up now that you can’t even hit on one of her semi-hot friends because you’ve spent the whole night ignoring them and now some other loser has already swooped in and picked them up. You’ve been cock blocked on all angles. Even the really ugly female rugby player is getting it on at the dance floor with the only lesbian in the entire bar, so you can’t even stoop to that level and go for a double bagger. You’re absolutely hopeless, and there is no chance in hell you’re getting laid tonight. It’s the cockblocalypse; the end of your hard-on as you know it.
1. I once attended a Girls Gone Wild video party and the male to female ratio was 1 to 10. Unfortunately for me, it ended up being the cockblocalypse for me. I still have nightmares from it.
2. If you ever find yourself in a cockblocalypse, run out of that bar as soon as possible and hire yourself a hooker before your erection goes away. If you wait too long and let the rejection and humiliation set in, you’ll lose your Mojo forever and it’ll be years before you have the balls to get laid again.
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