Broner is a slang term used for that rare phenomenon where a fervently straight male somehow gets an erection while in the company of only men. Called a Broner because he is usually hanging out with his “bros” at the time, a broner can happen towards another male or simply while in the company of their bros.

More often than not, though, a broner occurs because there is some sort of physical stimulation, where the penis somehow misconstrues that physical contact as being the presence of a female, and thus the raging boner awakens. You see, it’s nothing to be afraid of. If anything, one could say that you were so straight and liked women so much, that any physical contact whatsoever from another human being is registered in your cock as feminine contact. Of course, that’s also something that psychologists tried to argue in the 1950’s when they were attempting to prove that homosexuality was a disease, or an overproduction of testosterone that made the man so horny he would succumb to having sex with men. Naturally, that argument didn’t really work too well, but I believe that it can still explain the broner.

Typically, broner’s happen in situations where you are either extremely relaxed and happy, or you’re aggressively revved up with all the blood pumping in your body. For example, while receiving a massage from another man, one might fall into a deep sleep and wake suddenly with a comfort wood. It’s merely a coincidence that your male masseuse happens to be working out the knots in your groin muscle at the time. That broner was purely based on comfort and relaxation, and completely involuntary.

An example of when a man might get an erection during a physically stimulating event would be during those famous high school wrestling matches. We’ve all heard the stories when we were younger, where “Gay Grabbing Gary” was wrestling one of the cool kids in jogging pants during gym class, and suddenly got a massive hard-on when he managed to pin the cool kid down and “grabbed” him in a choke hold. At the moment, the nickname was born and poor Gay Grabbing Gary never lived it down, transferring schools seven times before graduating and becoming a tranny, S&M prostitute in Vegas.

Unfortunately, there is a simple, logical explanation for that particular broner. One, he probably didn’t actually have an erection in the first place, but since the loser in the crowd somehow beat the cool kid in a feat of physical strength, all the cool kid’s buddies created a diversion on the spot that saved his reputation.

Another simple explanation would be that he really did have a broner, but only because he was so pumped up with testosterone and “man-juice” because he actually defeated the bully. It was a David and Goliath inspired raging hard-on, and there is NOTHING gay about that.

1. One time, at Cadets, I got a total broner playing leap frog.

2. The last time I got a broner, I forced myself to watch gay porn for three hours straight to see if I was gay. Fortunately for me, it worked. I’m not gay anymore, I’m asexual.

RELATED TERMS:

Boner

No Homo

The term refers to the subtle and carefully timed act of inserting the fact that you have a boyfriend into a conversation with anyone who potentially thinks they have a shot at picking you up. Typically, the boyfriend drop is only used when a woman is talking to an incredibly ugly guy, or a man who is a total douche bag.

A conversation might go something like this:

“Hey Cassandra, you want me to rub that lotion on your back so you don’t get a sun burn?” asked Joey Douche Bag as he flexed his abs.

“Um…sure…I guess that’s a good idea. I mean, my BOYFRIEND did get a pretty bad sunburn yesterday, so you can’t be too careful,” replied Cassandra nervously.

With any luck, Joey Douche Bag will be moving on down the beach with his bicep flexed and a tube of Sun Block in his hand without even opening the cap for Cassandra. This type of conversation also occurs frequently at campfires when a really annoying emo kid tries to play a sappy “panty soaker” song on an acoustic guitar to impress the cheerleader girl from his school sitting next to him. After belting out the lyrics to a Dashboard Confessional song for twenty minutes straight, off key, with the capo on the wrong fret, and two broken strings, the hot girl will finally interrupts him by saying,

“Wow, that’s really good. My BOYFRIEND listens to that song all the time. You should play it for him sometime.”

That emo kid will be back at his parents house on the front porch smoking a cigarette and trying to keep the tears from dropping onto his diary as he writes his own song about how guys like him never get the girl (Don’t worry Emo kid, when you grow up and go to college, you’ll get the guy every time, once you realize a few things about yourself).

Rarely do women every use the boyfriend drop when they are speaking to a total stud, even if they do in fact have a boyfriend. Instead, they do the “boyfriend blank,” in which every time they come to a part in the conversation where they would normally mention their boyfriend, they instead pause for a split second, their brain goes on auto pilot, and they neglect to mention him. Sometimes, it’s not even intentional; it’s a Darwinian thing I believe, where the female is constantly seeking out the fittest male partner available to them. Sadly, it’s rarely the actual boyfriend.

1. The babysitter tried to do the boyfriend drop several times while discussing her wages with Uncle Herb. Of course, he was hitting on a minor, so he didn’t really give a shit if she had a boyfriend.

2. Whenever a girl does the boyfriend drop on me at a bar, I always give her the “I’m gay drop” and make her feel ridiculous. That way, she’ll spend the rest of the night giggling and cuddling up to me because she thinks I’m harmless. It’s not as good as getting laid, but at least I’ll have some good material for my spank bank when I get home.

RELATED TERMS:

Cock Blocking

Zelophilia

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Blow your load is one of the most self-explanatory sex terms that exists. It’s also one of the most popular among our male viewers, mostly because it’s just about our favourite thing to do in the entire world.

Blowing your load, also known as “busting a nut” or “getting your rocks off” is synonymous with ejaculating or having an orgasm, but usually refers to men and almost always centers around the spraying of the spunk, not just the orgasm itself.

Even though ejaculating and having an orgasm is the easiest thing in the world for me to do, blowing your load can be a tricky situation when there is another person involved, particularly a woman or female “unloader.” Whether you’re a gay male or a heterosexual one, or some kind of combination of the two, one of life’s great mysteries has always been about where should they blow their load?

If they’re with a brand new partner, there are far too many options to choose from. Should we pull out at the last second and shower their stomach or small of their back like a tramp stamping machine? Should we jack ourselves off as quickly as possible at the last second, busting two nutfulls right in the person’s open mouth or face? Or maybe they’re into the eye patch, and we should unload our spunk bucket directly into his/her eye ball. No matter what, the first time blowing your load with a new partner can be a difficult decision.

Of course, not only is the location of blowing your load a stressful decision, but what about our finishing moves? Should we spunk into her mouth and slap the back of her head immediately afterward so that all our cum starts oozing out of her two nostrils, giving her “the dragon?” Or maybe she would prefer “the walrus,” where we pinch the center of her mouth closed after cumming inside it, and push her cheeks together so the white liquid oozes down the sides of her mouth, making it look like she has two giant, white tusks. Whatever decision we make about the location of blowing our load and the grande finale, it’s bound to affect the future of our relationship with that person. One can only hope that we pick the right one for the right person (I once gave a girl the dragon, and she didn’t even like blowjobs or the taste of cum. Boy, was that a mistake).

Lastly, for all you swingers and orgy partiers out there, it can be extremely difficult to decide where to blow your load when your spouse or partner decides they want to experiment by having a threesome. So, they invite another guy or girl into the mix, and you work your magic. However, if you end up fucking both of them back and forth for a while, my advice to ALL orgy amateurs is that you MUST always blow your load inside, or on, your current partner or spouse. If you bust a nut and give some stranger you two met on the internet the grand finale, your girlfriend is not going to be happy.

1. If you want to prevent yourself from blowing your load too soon, just think of your Grandmother washing the dishes while your kitchen is filled with naked men. Weird combination, but it always works for me!

2. Last time I blew my load in a girl’s face, she ended up wearing a pearl necklace all night.

RELATED TERMS:

Facial        

Pearl Necklace         

And from then on you’re kissing and licking each other like crazy and suddenly you’re down on your knees with your face between her legs giving her the orgasm of her life while the steam billows around your ears and you can hardly breathe but you feel like you’re in a giant warm cocoon, like being back in the womb, the last time you felt safe and truly happy.

This will probably only happen a few times. After a few months of being together you’re probably spending more time together than not, which means sleeping over at each other’s apartments, which also means having to get up at 6a.m. all grumpy and pissy and stumbling your way into the bathroom to start getting ready for work. And your lover has to get ready to and he’s kind of a big dude so even if you start out in the shower before him, he’ll come in and take up most of the space and he won’t really be able to get any water, so he’ll have to soap himself up in that mostly dry/a little moist way that one does when they have to cup the water in their hands. And you like the shower water scalding hot so that you practically pass out in the tub, while he already runs about ten to fifteen degrees hotter than most humans so he really can’t handle water that hot cause it feels like it’s burning his skin. So he keeps turning the tap when you’re not looking or busy soaping your breasts or your pussy and suddenly you’re showering under luke warm water, which is one of your biggest pet peeves of all time.

So the business shower becomes all about getting showered quickly and not killing each other in the process, physically or mentally. You’ve got to be prepared for being slightly irritated by the end of it, especially when you try to slide past your lover to get out of the shower and you accidentally rub up against his soaped up belly and get all soapy again and have to rinse off again.

1. I’ll meet you in the bathroom for our business shower.

2. That business shower really was all business.

RELATED TERMS:

Abstinence

Arousal

RELATED TERMS:

Save Oneself For Marriage

The thing our society needs to understand is that the bush isn’t going anywhere. It’s here to stay and we need to start celebrating it. We need to be into it. Pubic hair isn’t ‘dirty’ or ‘disgusting’ or ‘crawling with lice’ (and if it is, you have much bigger problems to contend with). A lot of people talk about this as a ‘hygiene issue’, but people who have pubic hair wash that hair every day just like they wash the hair on top of their heads. Hair is just hair and it’s not crawling with germs and bugs and fungus. It’s not an old smelly fish that you need to shave off to reveal the clean pussy lips underneath. It’s just hair. Get the fuck over it already.

There’s nothing wrong with shaving one’s bush if you want to. In fact, some people like variety when it comes to bush, so sometimes they’re shave it or trim it or let it grow to the gloriously puffy mound it naturally is. Some people wax their bikini lines and other people don’t worry about it and walk around the beach with twirls and curls of black hair spidering out of their bikini bottoms, but seriously, who the fuck cares? Again, it isn’t dirty. Perhaps a bit too wild and unruly and free for some people to handle, but not dirty.

If you look at a naked woman with a bush and a naked woman without, you are likely to find the bush-having woman sexier. Why, you ask? Because she looks like a friggin adult, a grown-up woman, someone who loves sex and needs to get fucked and wants you to do the work of finding her clit under those spirals of dark hair. The first female lover I ever had went down on me and said ‘if you love women, you have to love hair’. Sure, she was totally quoting The Vagina Monologues, but I thought it was just about the cutest and sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me in bed up until that point. So learn to love the bush, my friends. Don’t deny its hotness, its sexiness, its ability to put a spell on you and make you hard.

1. I may love my bush, but I hate George Bush.

2. My bush is the coolest triangle of all time. It keeps my cunt warm in the winter and shielded from overheating in the summer. It protects the softness of my vulva. It only allows those in who are into bush in the first place. My bush doesn’t need haters.

RELATED TERMS:

Muff Diving

Pubic Hair

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I love boobs. Boobs are just about the best thing a woman has, next to her sweet round ass. Yes, boobs are for feeding babies, but much more frequently are boobs meant to be in aching hands that are dying to feel those soft round mounds and play with those delicious nipples that stand straight up like pencil erasers.

All men love boobs and most women do as well. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t cupped her own boobs during sex or while masturbating. Some chicks can come just from having her boobs nuzzled and her nipples sucked. As a friend of mine once said, they are ‘soft, but resilient, firm but delicate’.

No one can get enough boobs and no one should be denied boobs. They’re just one of those things (or a pair of those things) that everyone should have access to. They’re a right, not a privilege.

The best boobs are those that are honorably displayed by a proud woman. It doesn’t matter what her size or shape or hotness level. If she can wear her boobs well then she is well ahead of the game. I’ve seen young women with great boobs who don’t show them off properly and they just end up looking like sad little donuts. I’ve seen women in their sixties with some of the hottest cleavage I’ve ever had the good fortune to witness, and that cleavage encouraged my wandering eye like nobody’s business. And those sixty-year-old women caught that wandering eye and shot me a wink as if to say, ‘I know, I know, I’ve still got it. If you take care of your girls, you’ll still have it to at my age.’

Boobs could probably bring about world peace if everyone had equal opportunity and access. If I could lick the supple skin of a boob and suck on that hard delicious nipple, I’d probably not care if my boss cuts my wages or if the cat shits in my shoes. The world would continue turning, but it would be so much happier. The earth is basically god’s giant boob that we’re all trying to suck on.

1. If I were a chick, I’d never leave the house. I’d just lie in bed all day and feel myself up. Man, having boobs must be the greatest fucking thing in the world.

2. My boobs are so hot sometimes I have to spend an extra ten minutes staring at them in the mirror. One time my husband caught me, but he got totally mesmerized by them too and his eyes started rolling back in his head and he passed out and I had to revive him with smelling salts.

RELATED TERMS:

Breasts

Ta Tas

This dude is a keeper. If you are lucky enough to find one of these guys, do NOT let him get away (unless he’s an asshole in every other way imaginable). There are plenty of people out there with mad sexual hang ups who will be more interested in stroking their own egos than pleasing you and helping you explore your sexuality.

You may not be able to take your BOB out to dinner (though you could go out to dinner with it in your purse and excuse yourself to the washroom every ten minutes), you can certainly get plenty of sexual fulfillment from it. If all teenage girls had BOBs they made not be so quick to jump in and stay in relationships that aren’t good for them, or do things sexually with their partner that they aren’t ready for. There’s a lot of pressure on girls to please their boyfriends sexually but many girls aren’t taught how to please themselves. I have friends who didn’t start having orgasms until they were in their early twenties and some who didn’t masturbate until their mid to late twenties. How are we suppose to orgasm with another person if we can’t make ourselves come? Some women come really easily and some even come directly from penetration, but those women are few and far between. Our BOBs can help us sexually educate ourselves and learn about how our bodies respond. This is a lifelong gift. Don’t take it for granted.

1. I can’t hang out; I have a date with my BOB.

2. The only shitty thing about having a Battery Operated Boyfriend is when the batteries die.

RELATED TERMS:

Dildo

Vibrator

Bimbo is one of those stereotypes that people don’t really use so much anymore. Along with the idea of being a ‘blonde’, which also implies stupidity, bimbos are kind of on their way out. Perhaps this is because a bimbo is kind of a cross between a stupid blonde and a slutty ho and we like slutty hos these days and there are a lot of crazy smart blondes out there. There’s also the term ‘valley girl’, but that seems to have disappeared for the most part, probably because everyone uses the word ‘like’ in conversations and nobody seems to think much of it.

It’s frustrating that so many female stereotypes involve women being stupid or having lower intelligence. I suppose the equivalent for men might be the term ‘meat head’ or ‘muscle head’, which does insinuate lower intelligence, but it doesn’t seem to carry the same weight. I suppose this is simply because women haven’t historically or traditionally been allowed to show off their intelligence, instead we are encouraged to hide or minimize it.

I don’t think I’ve ever met an actual bimbo in my life. I don’t really know women who aren’t smart. Most of the women I know are incredibly attractive and ridiculously smart. I don’t think it’s really considered all that hot or attractive for women to be stupid. There used to be pressure for women to act stupid around men so that they wouldn’t ‘intimidate’ the men they were with. Nowadays, most men reject that and want to hang around with, date, and marry smart strong women.

While I haven’t really met any bimbos personally, I do think they’re running rampant in celebrity circles. It seems like the easiest way to get famous as a woman is to become some kind of creepy caricature of yourself, which usually involves acting like a bimbo. Take Katy Perry for example. Even her song ‘I Kissed a Girl’ screams of the desire for male approval. Nobody cares if you kissed a girl. Sing about eating a girl’s pussy and liking it and then maybe we’ll take you seriously. Also, if you look up bimbo in the dictionary, you’ll see a picture of Kim Kardashian. True story.

1. I saw this bimbo walking down the street the other day. I totally wanted to fuck her, but when she started talking I lost my hard on.

2. I may look like a bimbo, but I don’t care. It’s my birthday and I want to get fucking laid.

RELATED TERMS:

Barbie

Slut

One of my closest friends has two bastard children who are adorable and whom I love deeply. She had the first one at nineteen and the second one at twenty-two. She’s with the father and they’re going on twelve years together. They never got married and neither of them really seems to care about the piece of paper that many people desire which seems to represent a certain level of commitment. They are both incredibly committed to their children and to each other. They aren’t legally married but they’re way more married than most married couples I know. And their children are way more functional and healthy than lots of non-bastard children.

There has been a myth out there running rampant for decades that marriage is necessary within a family. I find this to be ridiculous, simply because plenty of people get engaged after having known each other for just a few months. Any idiot over the age of eighteen can get married and they don’t have to jump through any kinds of hoops for that piece of paper. Sure they have to fill out a few forms and pay a hundred bucks or whatever the price is, but that’s really all that needs doing. You don’t even have to have witnesses who know you, just whoever is working at the courthouse that day.

The term ‘bastard’ is often used as an insult and is usually meant to refer to someone who’s being an asshole. Actually, it goes further than that. It’s meant to label someone as a bad person. It’s strange that we have moved this term through this specific evolution, from the word that is used to mean ‘child born out of wedlock’ to ‘a bad human’. How have we gotten to this place?

I’m grateful that the word has had a shift in meaning. I don’t want my friend’s daughters to ever feel strange about how they came into this world. It’s like those religious nutcases who believe that when a baby is born it needs to be baptized in order to be welcomed into ‘god’s community’, because historically to be pushed through a woman’s twat was considered a sinful act. Just being born resulted in a sinned baby. We live in a sick sick culture. There is nothing sacred about marriage that somehow makes the children of married couples ‘better’. There is nothing better than chocolate cake.

1. My dad’s a fucking bastard. He cheated on my mom and left her for another woman. Now she’s carrying his child. His bastard child.

2. It would be rad to be born out of wedlock. There’s less pressure on you to live some sort of status-quo life. I’d give anything to be a bastard. If only my parents weren’t crazy Christians.

RELATED TERMS:

Baby Mama

Illegitimate Child

When I was seven our neighbor had a garage sale. She was selling an old home made doll house which would be perfect for all of my and my sister’s Barbies. So I convinced my parents to give me my allowance three days early and I ran down the street and proudly handed over the three dollars the woman was selling the dollhouse for and dragged it home in my little red wagon. The house had real carpet glued onto the bedroom floors and it came with this pink plastic bathtub that you could fill with actual water and put bubbles in and everything. It was much cooler than Barbie’s actual dream house, which was being advertised on TV at the time. I brought it home and my Barbies had all kinds of scissoring with each other and with my Kens and the Kens scissoring each other too cause they all had on that ridiculous plastic underwear.

I think Barbies can teach kids a lot about sex. The only thing they can’t teach them is what an actual woman and an actual man look like naked.

1. I love my Barbie. She may be a plastic whore but she’s the perfect size to shove up my twat when I’m feeling lonely. I suppose the only downside is that sometimes her head pops off and gets stuck up in my va jay jay.

2. That chick looks like Barbie. Blonde, huge tits, the whole works. I’d love to get with a whore like that. If only she wasn’t my best friend’s girlfriend. I suppose I could always go for her mom. She looks exactly the same, just a little bit on the leathery side.

RELATED TERMS:

Bimbo

Slut