Beef Blanket is another term for foreskin, the circular flap of skin that covers the head of a penis. It is a normal and natural part of the male cock that contains the majority of pleasure receptors for sexual enjoyment. It is something that was taken from me a long time ago.
I miss my beef blanket.
As a ten year old, I wondered why my penis looked different than the penises of other guys in my gym class, so I asked my dad. He told me that God wanted the tip of my cock cut off, so they paid a man in the hospital to slice it from my dick.
You see, five THOUSAND years ago, an invisible man in the sky “told” a guy that:
“Ye shall be circumcised in the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of a covenant betwixt Me and you.” – Genesis 17, Chapter 11
I have a better idea for a covenant between you and me, God. How about I cut my earlobes off? Would that satisfy you? See, I don’t need my earlobes TO FUCK. Or how about I just give you my word of honor as our covenant? No? You need the tip of my cock, huh? Yeah, that seems like something a supreme being with infinite love would want. Grab the scalpel.
By the way, God, do you cut anything off yourself as part of this covenant? No? Hmmm. No slicing off your almighty God dong? Seems a little unfair.
And so, thanks to organized religion (read: bullshit), they took my infant cock, stretched the foreskin out, and cut it off. Do you know why they circumcise babies? BECAUSE BABIES CAN’T SAY NO! If you really want to circumcise your son, do me a favor. Wait until he’s thirteen and then ask him if he’d like to have the tip of his dick cut off.
My money says he’ll say no. Actually, what he’ll probably say is, “ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? NO I DON’T WANT TO HAVE A PIECE OF MY COCK CUT OFF! WHAT THE FUCK, DAD?! I WANT TO LIVE WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA!”
At least, that’s what I would have said.
Plus, since most of the pleasure receptors are in the beef blanket, they’ve actually decreased the fun of sex for me. Maybe that’s a good thing, since I already think about sex every thirty seconds or so. If I still had my beef blanket, I’m not sure I’d ever leave the house.
I have heard about beef blanket restoration where they re-grow the skin in the cut foreskin and elongate it to a more natural length. I’ve considered this many times, but usually just end up smoking a bowl and watching Bob Ross’s “The Joy of Painting.”
1. All circumcision symbolizes is your willingness to fuck up your baby’s perfectly good penis because you bought into someone’s myth about a guy that created everything in the universe (including, I might add, the foreskin) in seven days.
2. I apologize for using so many capital letters in the beef blanket definition. I guess I still carry some resentment for my penis being mutilated without my consent as a child. Feel free to continue the barbaric ritual as long as you like.
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