People also freak out about teenagers learning, not just about sex, but also about sexual pleasure. Women especially are not education on masturbation. We aren’t taught that masturbation is an excellent alternative to sex with another person. I have friends who didn’t know how to give themselves orgasms because they weren’t properly educated about masturbation and self-pleasure. That set themselves up for very unsatisfying sex lives with partners. Maybe if adolescent boys and girls were taught about self-pleasure they wouldn’t be so quick to have sex with partners. Maybe if we provided extensive sex education we’d have less teen pregnancies, STI’s, and more women and men who grew up with an understanding of their own bodies.

It’s ridiculous to rule out literature due to its adult content. It’s much more effective when we allow for opportunities for education, discussion, and debate around the materials. And kids don’t grow up into these ignorant naive adults giving people AIDS.

1. My book was Amazon ranked just because it has the word pussy in it. Lame.

2. I’d love to Amazon rank your ass so that you recite Shakespeare while I’m fucking you.

RELATED TERMS:

Adult Bookshop

Girlie Magazine

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An adult movie can come in various forms with a wide variety of ratings, but almost always involves sexual intercourse of some kind. Also known as pornographic movies, porns, dirty movies, snuff films, etc., Adult movies can include sexual intercourse between a man and a woman, two men, two women, any combination of the previous numbers, as well as the appearance of various types of barn animals or reptiles who engage in some kind of sexual experience.

Quite often, these movies are found by teenagers and children who go snooping under their parents mattresses, inside their closets, or even in their underwear drawer. Usually in DVD format, these films range from Pregnant British Nannies, to girls gone wild, to Debbie does a Donkey, to Four Hands and a Horse. No matter what the content, it will pale in comparison to what teenagers these days are able to view online on a daily basis, simply by forwarding emails, searching in google, or checking their most recent facebook posts. Back in my day, a simple shot of a man anal fisting a woman was enough to leave me shaking with strange combination of fear, panic, and arousal. Now, unless it’s a real snuff film where someone actually dies, teenagers are barely phased by it.

1. I’ve never understood why my film history class in University didn’t include adult movies. It shows nearly every single fashion trend from the 1920’s to 2000.

2. My friend once starred in an adult movie as the stunt cock. It actually got him a part in a herpes commercial a month later.

RELATED TERMS:

Adult Bookshop 

Porn                  

The crazy puppet sex that went on the night before Jim Henson’s death.

The best kind of sex really is apocalypse sex because you let go of all your inhibitions. It’s so easy to worry about the future when the future is likely to eventually become the present. If the world was really ending tomorrow, you wouldn’t care about AIDS or your mother finding out you like anal or the kids you teach at Sunday school learning that you’re a crazy secret dominatrix with all kinds of leather outfits just waiting for a rainy day. You could whip all that stuff out at any moment if you wanted. You could walk down the street naked, wearing a Mexican wrestling mask and no one would notice or care or think anything about it really because everyone would be doing the same thing.

I’ve only had apocalypse sex once and I’m really lucky that I didn’t catch anything from the dude cause we sure as fuck weren’t careful. I was also practically black-out drunk, which is not a state I highly recommend to anyone. Also, I didn’t know where I was or how I was going to get home. The only person I could’ve called was the guy I was sort of in a relationship with, but we weren’t officially together at that point and it would’ve crushed him to have to come pick me up from some strange dude’s house after fucking him for hours (incidentally I did tell the guy I was dating…it didn’t go well). The nice thing about the sex was that everything felt good. I was completely in my body and that was a sweet experience. The bad thing is that when I asked him for a cigarette before leaving, I realized it was the only thing we had said to each other all night (except for his lovely comment about my leg stubble). No ‘nice to meet you’. Nothing.

1. God if I was more wasted I would totally fuck the shit out of that guy and have apocalypse sex until we couldn’t move. But I hate getting tested, so I guess I’ll pass for tonight.

2. I’m going to go all apocalyptic on your ass and fuck you like there’s no tomorrow.

RELATED TERMS:

Fuck

Sex

But what happens when routine kicks in and you’re in a monogamous relationship and bored out of your fucking skull? What if you aren’t religious (though fucking Jesus on Christmas day is so super hot it makes you wet inside your jeans just thinking about it) and there’s nothing ethically or morally that’s keeping you from wanting to go out and get some fucking strange? What if you don’t really think that fucking somebody else is actually cheating because it’s just sex and it’s not some creepy emotional attachment, like the one you end up with when you want to fuck someone else but CAN’T because monogamy is the only rule that we all seem to feel the need to maintain? What if fucking someone else might help get your groove back so that you could start having a hell of a lot more sex than just those ABC times?

Sometimes you’ve just got to go for gold. If you’ve been with one person for a billion years (that’s how it feels) and you’re at the point where you are only getting laid on these very special occasions, maybe it’s time to go out and find someone who thinks your pussy is the tastiest fucking dish he/she has ever eaten or that your cock is sweeter and yummier than a lollypop. Life is short. Have an affair. Like on Ashley Madison. A site I totally used to make fun of until I started using it. Then I realized it’s just a great way to avoid the ABC blues.

1. I’m so tired of only getting ABC sex. You promised we were going to fuck on the day of your dad’s funeral.

2. If I knew I was going to be deprived of any sex other than ABC sex, I’d have made every fucking day an anniversary of something, or someone’s birthday. Or maybe Jesus would just keep on being born, over and over again. That would keep the Christians happy AND my dick.

RELATED TERMS:

Frigid

Kryo Queen

There have been times in the thick of grad school or the first several years out of grad school or right this second where sex work comes into my mind as a possibility of relief from the mild white privilege poverty I’ve been dealing with for the last decade. Like, obviously I’m not scraping the bottom of the barrel compared to 97% of the world’s population, but there are more times than not where ten dollars can mean the world to me, where I don’t leave the house because I have no money to spend, where I sew the crotch of my jeans back together with weird unmatched patches instead of buying new ones, where beans become more than a delicious substance but a staple, where I stay awake at night worrying that if my cat gets sick I won’t really have the money to pay his vet bills.

And all that worry eventually brings me to the conclusion that wouldn’t it just be oh so totally awesome if I could get paid for sex. I like sex. I enjoy it, I find it fun and exciting and an adventure. I’m sexually open and there isn’t much that I won’t try, so I think I could probably get a fair amount of clients. I’ve also been told that I give a really excellent full body massage and that tends to lead to sex anyway. Even if I couldn’t handle the full-blown constant sex with strangers, maybe I could just be one dude or chick’s mistress and just satisfy them a few times a month. Or maybe I could work at a massage parlor and give the occasional hand job or body rub and wear cute lingerie and little skirts and fishnet stockings and high heels. Let’s face it, I love wearing all that shit anyway. I also like to laze around in my sweats, so if I had the opportunity to make a shit ton of cash and only have to work one or two nights a week, that would rock. I could be someone’s all night trick a few times a month and end up with enough cash to pay for my upcoming wedding.

I suppose there are reality checks that need to be made here, but sometimes it just seems like the perfect fix for my white girl broke blues.

1. I did an all night trick for this dude the other day and he took me out for eggs benedict after.

2. Sometimes I wish all night tricks could last a little longer. I like the cuddling. And rubbing my dick in her face right before I head off to work.

RELATED TERMS:

Hooker

Red Light District 

As for marriage, the age of consent tends to be eighteen in most provinces/states, although with parental permission slightly younger couples can marry. Of course, these are legally recognized state marriages. There are all kinds of creepy religious marriages that are completely unethical and abusive because kids are being forced to marry at twelve-years-old. Marriage is a funny institution. I guess I’m relieved that there is such a thing as legal marriage because even though I don’t necessarily want to state to be able to intervene at any time, I also sure as hell don’t want religious leaders to have any rights over my union with my partner.

Age is an arbitrary thing and while there are very mature sixteen and seventeen-year-olds, the majority of teenagers at that age are not going to be mature enough to process many of the sexual experiences that they have and I’d argue to say that it is rare to find a teenager who is at all ready for marriage. I think the only thing that teenagers may have going for them in regards to early commitment is just not knowing what it all entails. I mean, at thirty-one I hardly feel like I have a handle on what it entails, but at eighteen I was a baby. I was young and immature and unsure of myself and unable to take stock from the experiences I had because I just didn’t have enough experience yet. And that’s okay. Eighteen-year-olds shouldn’t have to be as mature as thirty-year-olds. That’s why we live longer now than several hundred years ago. We don’t have to get married at fifteen anymore because our life span is so much longer and allows us to learn so much more about ourselves before we partner off.

1. The age of consent to get married should be twenty-five. How many marriages with couples younger than twenty-five do you know that actually last? Also, pre-marital counseling should be mandatory for all couples

2. I wish I was at the age of consent. I would totally have sex with my hot and totally built biology teacher. I’ve got to start wearing more plaid skirts.

RELATED TERMS:

Adultery 

Intercourse

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An affair usually refers to one individual in a monogamous marriage carrying on a sexual relationship with someone outside the marriage. Sometimes people use the term when they aren’t married but in a long term committed monogamous relationship and their partner starts having sex outside the relationship. Sometimes an affair isn’t actually sexual, but emotional, where one partner carries on a serious emotional relationship with someone they are sexually attracted to and both pulls away from their partner emotionally and keeps their partner in the dark about it. Affairs and cheating are sometimes used interchangeably, though an affair is when someone is unfaithful over a long period of time, months, sometimes years, and it almost always involves a strong emotional component. Cheating is often the term used if you or your partner has a sexual ‘slip up’ and kisses or has sex with someone at a party or during a drunken evening. While cheating can be very harmful to a relationship and painful for all involved, it is often easier to move past than a full-blown affair. An affair is a whole other relationship and it’s often much harder for the person having the affair to walk away from that person and it’s often much harder for the partner to forgive the person who’s been having the affair.

I’ve watched a couple friends deal with one person having an affair and it’s a horrible thing to watch. Everybody suffers. Even something simple as going to the Safeway to pick up groceries becomes this horrifying risk because what if you run into that other woman who’s been licking your girlfriend’s pussy for the last eight months while you thought she was studying for her med-school exams? Do you punch her in the taco or do you walk right up to her and smile and say, ‘hey, I heard you’ve been fucking my girlfriend. Thanks for doing your part to ruin my relationship’. And what if it’s someone you both know and worse, what if it’s a friend of yours? Someone you trusted and loved and thought would do anything to protect you and who you were positive would never hurt you, at least not this horribly. It’s messy business. Just don’t get involved.

Not to say that being the person who someone is having an affair with means you’re a bad person. Like, it’s probably not going to turn out great for you either. We just need to keep in mind that those ghost ships, those lives that look so fantastic from the dock, those other lovers who seem so undeniably perfect for us, are filled with the same shit and baggage as our partners. Nothing comes free, especially in relationships.

1. I’m having an affair. It’s getting awkward because my wife just admitted that she’s having an affair…with the same woman.

2. Sometimes I wish that having an affair was an option. Then I think about how badly I don’t want to shave my legs anymore and I just pull my sweats on and give in to my life.

RELATED TERMS:

Cheater

Extramarital Sex

I don’t know many people who get turned on by silence. I think most people are auditory (except those who are deaf, obviously, but I’m guessing that there are noises deaf people can sense, even if they can’t hear them. Like beats through the floor or something.), and like to hear sounds and get turned on by sounds. One could also easily get turned off by sound, like your dad leaving a message on your machine while you’re getting it on with your lover, or your cat throwing up on your sofa in the next room but loud enough for you to hear it. But, for the most part, what we hear can easily be enough to get most of us going.

Music doesn’t really turn me on myself, but I can see how others would. Especially when it’s an intense song with a crazy climax and all the instruments are getting deeper and more entrenched in the music. I had a friend who couldn’t get off unless he spent the first twenty minutes of foreplay listening to Hawksley Workman. There’s a dude who radiates sex and sexuality from his very being. Another friend of mind use to get all gooey at the mere mention of Beethoven’s 5^th, but she was a violinist so I don’t know if that really counts.

1. I’m an acousticophile. My best friend plays the French Horn and sometimes I feel like I’m falling in love with her because my knees get all week and start vibrating and I start to shake and once, when I was at one of her concerts and she was playing a solo, I had an orgasm, right in the middle of the concert theatre. Nobody noticed, but I had to excuse myself to go to the ladies room right after. Now I know it’s just about sex, but there was a time where I thought I was a lesbian. But when my boyfriend borrows my friend’s French Horn, I can’t help myself. I have to jump him.

2. It’s difficult because I hate having to live in complete silence, but I have to. I mean, I’m okay with the sound my fingers make when I’m typing an email, but anyone’s voice just puts me over the edge and I get an erection, just like that. It’s been especially horrible at family events. Plus I have a huge cock, which doesn’t help. My therapist told me I’m an acousticophile. I’m breaking the sound barrier with my dick.

RELATED TERMS:

Arousal

Fetish

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Anonymous sex is sex between strangers. Between two people who don’t know anything about each other, especially their last names. When you have anonymous sex with someone, the idea is that it’s no strings attached, that you’re going to be able to hop out of their bed (or them out of yours), bum a smoke with that person and walk out the door at five a.m. One of the most essential characteristics of this type of sex situation is that you’ve got to get out the door before dawn. Before the birds start chirping incessantly, the skyline turns pink, the clouds in the distance are all purple and orange and golden, and the sun is peeking over the mountains. You must leave before this happens. Otherwise you can’t crawl under the covers, pass out and wake up the next day with only a blurred memory of the previous night’s events. If you leave and the sun is coming up, you will have to carry around that one-night-stand for the rest of the day. It becomes a permanent fixture in your mind, and no matter how drunk you were, you still aren’t going to be able to erase those experiences, good or bad.

Now, there are plenty of situations where one has anonymous sex during the day. In restaurant bathrooms, for example. You flirt with someone at a bar, and then excuse yourself to go to the washroom, indicating in that silent but obvious body language that he/she should follow you. Or in museum washrooms. Or airport bathrooms. Or bathrooms on planes, although those things are hideously tiny, so unless you AND that anonymous sex partner you sat beside on your flight are ridiculously small people to begin with, you aren’t going to get the awesome sex you may deserve.

Another great venue for stranger sex is cars. Specifically if you have access to a van, but not some creepy windowless van that might be used for child kidnapping. Try a nice friendly mini-van, or the back seat of your old Honda Civic.

Places where having anonymous sex may not be such a great idea:

a. You parents bed: This may seem tempting if you have weird issues with your parents and you’re eager to rebel, but the likelihood of them finding out is horrifyingly high and do you really want to have to look them in the eyes after that?

b. The bathroom at the office of your doctor’s where you typically use to get urine samples: First of all, ew. There’s pee all over the place. Second of all, ew. Do you really want to fuck some creepy stranger who probably has some kind of scary illness (they’re at the DOCTOR’S for fuck sake)? Third….just ew.

c. Your best friend’s kitchen table while she’s sleeping in the next room and you’re crashing at her place for the weekend: Don’t shit where you eat. The number one rule of all time.

1. I love having anonymous sex.

2. That dude totally had anonymous sex with me, but he’s a little less anonymous now that he’s marrying my cousin.

RELATED TERMS:

Leanne

Slore

I haven’t spent a whole lot of time in adult bookshops, but I have gone to my fair share of sex shops, which tend to carry magazines, but also all kinds of toys, outfits, costumes, wigs, props, and ideas to spruce up or spice up one’s sex life. If you’re feeling bored with the sex life you have, or you just want to get some new ideas, it’s not a bad idea to take your partner to one of these stores. The last time my partner and I went to a sex store, we took a good long look at the dog collars. One in particular caught our eye; it said ‘daddy’s boy’. It’s lovely living in the village.

Living in the gay village allows adult sex shops to become totally passé. I pass by three of them on my way to my favourite coffee shop. Usually I can walk right on by, but sometimes I get swayed by the adorable corsets and sexy little skirts and garters and fishnets. I wish I had all kinds of money to buy myself little outfits all the time.

A friend of mine used to work at an adult video store. He worked the night shift and kind of loved it because it was usually super quiet and he was a writer so he used to just bring his laptop to work and write. Whenever someone would come in they would be super sketchy because they were going to a porn store at two thirty in the morning and that’s never a sign of someone who isn’t a little bit purvey (even though we all are and only some of us have the guts to own it and go into porn stores at two thirty in the morning). My friend said that it was almost exclusively dudes who came to the store at all hours of the night, dudes with weird handlebar mustaches and ball caps and too-big glasses that made their faces look like owls. He said he didn’t mind those guys and knew that they were sneaking in at night because they had too much shame and embarrassment and that was sad. The people who freaked him out where the couples that came, the older white dudes with young non-white girls. It’s like watching a terrible car accident that you can’t pull your eyes away from. My friend said they’d always be renting porn videos and buying panties. He’s tried to glower at the dude, but the dude’s eyes were always looking straight through him, all glazed and emotionless.

1. I’m opening up an adult bookshop so I can spend my time helping horny adults get through their lives.

2. My cousin works at an adult bookshop. He totally steals books for me. Once he got me a magazine with nothing but pictures of giant asses.

RELATED TERMS:

Porn

S&M