Apocalypse sex is thoughtless, careless sex happening right before a major disaster or possible ending of the world, without thought of consequences. So, like, pretty much everyone who fucked ruthlessly the morning of 9/11. Everyone who banged away on the New Years Eve of 1999, which was pretty much everyone. Everyone who fucked like rabbits the night before the so-called rapture or gave a good long blowjob to some dude on a street corner the morning of the earthquake in Tokyo. The mass anal banging that took place on D-day and when Hiroshima was bombed or when 2Pac was murdered. The cunnilingus that happened the day JFK was shot and the hot ass licking the day that Martin Luther King was assassinated.
The crazy puppet sex that went on the night before Jim Henson’s death.
The best kind of sex really is apocalypse sex because you let go of all your inhibitions. It’s so easy to worry about the future when the future is likely to eventually become the present. If the world was really ending tomorrow, you wouldn’t care about AIDS or your mother finding out you like anal or the kids you teach at Sunday school learning that you’re a crazy secret dominatrix with all kinds of leather outfits just waiting for a rainy day. You could whip all that stuff out at any moment if you wanted. You could walk down the street naked, wearing a Mexican wrestling mask and no one would notice or care or think anything about it really because everyone would be doing the same thing.
I’ve only had apocalypse sex once and I’m really lucky that I didn’t catch anything from the dude cause we sure as fuck weren’t careful. I was also practically black-out drunk, which is not a state I highly recommend to anyone. Also, I didn’t know where I was or how I was going to get home. The only person I could’ve called was the guy I was sort of in a relationship with, but we weren’t officially together at that point and it would’ve crushed him to have to come pick me up from some strange dude’s house after fucking him for hours (incidentally I did tell the guy I was dating…it didn’t go well). The nice thing about the sex was that everything felt good. I was completely in my body and that was a sweet experience. The bad thing is that when I asked him for a cigarette before leaving, I realized it was the only thing we had said to each other all night (except for his lovely comment about my leg stubble). No ‘nice to meet you’. Nothing.
1. God if I was more wasted I would totally fuck the shit out of that guy and have apocalypse sex until we couldn’t move. But I hate getting tested, so I guess I’ll pass for tonight.
2. I’m going to go all apocalyptic on your ass and fuck you like there’s no tomorrow.
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