An Aphrodisiac is a food, animal part, or other symbolic object known to cause extreme sexual drive. The word is derived from the Greek goddess of love, beauty, and sexual rapture, Aphrodite. Aphrodite was also known as Cytherea, who we all know and love as the queen of squirting female porn stars. What causes Cytherea to have extreme sexual drive? Any swinging dick, as far as I can tell from her videos.
Aphrodite was created when Cronus cut off Uranus’ genitals and threw them into the sea. Maybe that’s what Lorena Bobbitt was trying for when she de-cocked John Wayne and threw his junk into a field. No such luck, Lorena. All you created there was Frankenpenis.
Many items are purported to be aphrodisiacs, but scientifically, there is only one true aphrodisiac for women: money. Some people say that a huge dick will cause extreme sexual drive in a woman, but if the guy is poor as shit, the effect is neutralized. Sad, but true. Money always works though. Doesn’t matter if you’re old as hell (see: Anna Nicole Smith), or ugly as piss (see: Heidi Klum). If you’ve got the dough to keep her shopping for a living, she’ll fall for you fast.
That’s why I buy lottery tickets every week. It’s not so I can quit my job and travel. It’s so I can bang a different ten every night of the week.
Some aphrodisiacs got their reputation from their appearance. Oysters and rhino horns look like pussies and cocks. That’s why they’re supposed to work. Unfortunately, just because something looks like a sex organ, doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll get a person horny. After I eat a dozen donuts, I don’t want to fuck, I want to sleep.
Alcohol is unique in that it is both an aphrodisiac at first, but then an anaphrodisiac (diminishing sexual desire) later. It’s a tricky line to toe when using alcohol for sexual desire. God knows we’ve all had beer goggles on at one point or another in our lives. Doesn’t matter how ugly a person is, if you’ve had four or five shots of tequila. You will fuck them. But after five or six more shots, you’re not going to fuck anybody. Your dick won’t get hard and you’ll most likely end up waking up in a dumpster.
Toe the line wisely, Skywalker.
The Marquis de Sade tried using a hidden Spanish Fly at an orgy he organized with a bunch of prostitutes. They all got sick after he sodomized them, and he had to flee to Italy. They eventually caught him and he was sentenced to death. The lesson? Don’t use a Spanish Fly. I’m not sure why he’d need the Spanish Fly anyway, if they were prostitutes. Just pay for the sodomy option.
1. Harry sprinkled some tiger penis powder he bought in Chinatown in hopes that the aphrodisiac would help him get an erection for his flabby, boring wife. It didn’t.
2. Harry’s flabby boring wife found him watching Cytherea porn as an aphrodisiac.
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