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Anonymous sex is sex between strangers. Between two people who don’t know anything about each other, especially their last names. When you have anonymous sex with someone, the idea is that it’s no strings attached, that you’re going to be able to hop out of their bed (or them out of yours), bum a smoke with that person and walk out the door at five a.m. One of the most essential characteristics of this type of sex situation is that you’ve got to get out the door before dawn. Before the birds start chirping incessantly, the skyline turns pink, the clouds in the distance are all purple and orange and golden, and the sun is peeking over the mountains. You must leave before this happens. Otherwise you can’t crawl under the covers, pass out and wake up the next day with only a blurred memory of the previous night’s events. If you leave and the sun is coming up, you will have to carry around that one-night-stand for the rest of the day. It becomes a permanent fixture in your mind, and no matter how drunk you were, you still aren’t going to be able to erase those experiences, good or bad.
Now, there are plenty of situations where one has anonymous sex during the day. In restaurant bathrooms, for example. You flirt with someone at a bar, and then excuse yourself to go to the washroom, indicating in that silent but obvious body language that he/she should follow you. Or in museum washrooms. Or airport bathrooms. Or bathrooms on planes, although those things are hideously tiny, so unless you AND that anonymous sex partner you sat beside on your flight are ridiculously small people to begin with, you aren’t going to get the awesome sex you may deserve.
Another great venue for stranger sex is cars. Specifically if you have access to a van, but not some creepy windowless van that might be used for child kidnapping. Try a nice friendly mini-van, or the back seat of your old Honda Civic.
Places where having anonymous sex may not be such a great idea:
a. You parents bed: This may seem tempting if you have weird issues with your parents and you’re eager to rebel, but the likelihood of them finding out is horrifyingly high and do you really want to have to look them in the eyes after that?
b. The bathroom at the office of your doctor’s where you typically use to get urine samples: First of all, ew. There’s pee all over the place. Second of all, ew. Do you really want to fuck some creepy stranger who probably has some kind of scary illness (they’re at the DOCTOR’S for fuck sake)? Third….just ew.
c. Your best friend’s kitchen table while she’s sleeping in the next room and you’re crashing at her place for the weekend: Don’t shit where you eat. The number one rule of all time.
1. I love having anonymous sex.
2. That dude totally had anonymous sex with me, but he’s a little less anonymous now that he’s marrying my cousin.
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