ABC Sex is sex only on Anniversaries, Birthdays, and Christmases. It’s kind of like when you’re a C&E church goer, meaning that you only go to church on Christmas and Easter. ABC sex is a sad sad state of affairs. First of all, it basically means that the spontaneity and excitement of sex has been completely sucked out of it, and not sucked out like someone’s getting a blowjob, but sucked out because someone is too lazy or too depressed or too busy with work or cleaning up cat shit or being spit up on. Or maybe there’s an emotional disconnect with the couple and that’s why sex is reserved for these ‘really special occasions’. Or maybe it’s a single person who only manages to get laid on Christmas (by Jesus, perhaps), their birthday, and the anniversary of when they stole that dude’s truck. Either way, three to five times a year (depending on how many anniversaries you are celebrating, is super upsetting and kind of pathetic).
But what happens when routine kicks in and you’re in a monogamous relationship and bored out of your fucking skull? What if you aren’t religious (though fucking Jesus on Christmas day is so super hot it makes you wet inside your jeans just thinking about it) and there’s nothing ethically or morally that’s keeping you from wanting to go out and get some fucking strange? What if you don’t really think that fucking somebody else is actually cheating because it’s just sex and it’s not some creepy emotional attachment, like the one you end up with when you want to fuck someone else but CAN’T because monogamy is the only rule that we all seem to feel the need to maintain? What if fucking someone else might help get your groove back so that you could start having a hell of a lot more sex than just those ABC times?
Sometimes you’ve just got to go for gold. If you’ve been with one person for a billion years (that’s how it feels) and you’re at the point where you are only getting laid on these very special occasions, maybe it’s time to go out and find someone who thinks your pussy is the tastiest fucking dish he/she has ever eaten or that your cock is sweeter and yummier than a lollypop. Life is short. Have an affair. Like on Ashley Madison. A site I totally used to make fun of until I started using it. Then I realized it’s just a great way to avoid the ABC blues.
1. I’m so tired of only getting ABC sex. You promised we were going to fuck on the day of your dad’s funeral.
2. If I knew I was going to be deprived of any sex other than ABC sex, I’d have made every fucking day an anniversary of something, or someone’s birthday. Or maybe Jesus would just keep on being born, over and over again. That would keep the Christians happy AND my dick.
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