Victoria Beckham

One half of the hottest celebrity couple in the UK, Victoria Beckham has been known to deny that she has fake tits. Her implants tell another story however – while not huge in size, their perfectly round shape make Beck’s breasts undeniably fake. Really, Victoria should sue whoever did this to her – it looks as if she’s has a couple of baseballs sewn under her skin – as she has one of the worst boobs jobs in Hollywood.

Christina Aguilera

Aguilera’s breasts grew somewhere between her Genie in a Bottle phase, and her transformation to dirty denizen of pop sluthood. While she suffers from serious clown-face (a medical condition that makes whores look a lot like Ronald McDonald) these days, her tits still look just right. We give Christina a thumbs up for choosing the perfect size and shape for her girls – maybe she’ll consider a career in porn next?

Pamela Anderson

At one time, Pamela Anderson was Hollywood’s preeminent sex symbol. Multiple appearances in Playboy, a sex tape, and the revelation that she has Hep-C later, and she’s just another celebrity is huge tits. She’ll be remembered as an innovator however, as her popularity ushered in a wave of women who got boob jobs to complete.

Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag is the modern prototype of success in Hollywood. Montag built her star on reality television, and now that her status has declined has turned to plastic surgery for attention. And what a Frankensteinian transformation! Heidi opted to go way too big in every respect, effectively ruining her body and transforming herself into an alien posing as a plastic fuck doll. While Christina Aguilera is a good role model for girls who want breast implants, Montag should be everyone’s warning.

The line between whore and heroine is paper thin in the 21st century. Take the similarities between Julie and porn star Nikki Benz – both are fake blondes, have breast implants, and appear naked on film. Nikki is considered unmarketable in a mainstream sense because she explicitly takes dick in her pussy while Julie rides Michael C. Hall covertly. We ask however: aren’t both women essentially doing the same thing? These two little whores sell their bodies for money, no different than other porn stars such as Bethany Benz or Krystal Benz.

When Julie Benz registered a name designed to remind viewers of sex, she knew exactly what she was doing. Benz has been successful too, marketing herself in same way as the porn industry markets their biggest stars. Going back further, the use of the name Benz in porn is clearly lifted from the European automotive manufacturer Mercedes, a cleaver pun on the sexy curves their cars are known for portraying. So how come no one else has caught on to what’s happening here? Perhaps we’re blinded by misleading moral values – after all, we all get fucked or do the fucking in one sense or another. It just depends on when and where – and it seems Julie Benz is a master of timing.

Angelo Di Paolo, the regional government’s public works chief, has recently decided to take drastic measures in controlling the problem. In a collaboration between provincial and municipal governments, all trees and vegetation that line the banks of the river Tronto are to be cut. Way to implement a ‘green’ attitude.

Despite not coming as a surprise, several environmental groups have spoken out against the plan which would eliminate over 69 acres of vegetation. Members from several environmental agencies have spoken to the UK Guardian claiming that the only crime committed by soon-to-be-chopped trees was offering “shelter and intimacy to sex slaves.”

Perhaps the biggest question is this: do whores really seek shelter and intimacy when roaming the streets? I highly doubt it. What they need is exposure – that why they look like the girls you see in free porn. Otherwise, how would they make any money? If they’re selling their bodies, what better way to advertise than to parade around the streets like a billboard? I’m just saying.

I highly doubt that cutting down trees will make that much of an impact on the problem. If raids and security cameras aren’t working, how about trying harder? Investing more money into the cause would certainly help. Cutting down trees, on the other hand, is a highly dubious solution to a prostitution problem. Not only will it not work, but it will also cause a huge stir amongst environmental fanatics everywhere. Certainly not worth it.