Its the age old question men always seek the answer to, what do women want?  Well, I’m not sure about everything they want, but I can tell you the top 9 sex fantasies they want.  Find out what your girl really wants you to do in the bedroom. These are not all long walks on the beach and romantic movies, women have sex drives just like us.

1. Women love the idea of getting visits during the night from strangers.  Role play a little here guys like this coach is doing with Sophie, rent a motel room and lure her there, she will surely enjoy the night of uninhibited sex.

2. You might be surprised but group sex is a popular sex fantasy for women.  It’s a rush having multiple men and women surrounding you, touching your body and fucking you.  It’s a liberating feeling to be naked and free with all of these horny people, all-hungry for sex.

3. Who’s your daddy?  She will be tonight; women love the idea of dominating their man.  Let her take control she will enjoy spanking you, ordering you to perform sexual favors like eating her pussy or making you beg for sex.

4. Women love being on display.  Today’s women are more confident than ever.  She will love having someone watch you, as you pound her pussy or while she is sucking your cock.  If you can’t invite someone into the room, be inventive, get a video camera and film the fuck fest.

5. While I stated that she would like being the daddy, she will also like you to take control.  She will want to be taught.  Guide her on how to suck your dick, exactly how you like it and tell her to play with her pussy for you as your watch from across the room.

6. This is what every man wants, little did you know its what most women want, too.  It’s the Holy Grail of sex, MFF threesome.  Who said 3 is a crowd?  Women love being close to other women, talk about bringing in another girl for you 2 to play with, she won’t say no/

Often women are working hard, they’re professionals and they want to let loose.  The idea of being a stripper or an escort turns them on.  Tip he well one night, set of a scene for your girl to be all yours, pay her to do whatever you’d like to get from her.

7. Here is comes, the scene most men won’t want to hear about, but this is about pleasing your girl.  She is going to want a MMF 3some and you’ll be able to give it to her.  Its not about you and another guy, its about her having 2 cocks at once.  Split roasts her, double penetration and cover her in loads.  You know she will love that.

8. I hope you’re ready for this one guys, buy her a strap on.  Yes, you read that right.  This is the time when you just bend over and take one for the team.  She is going to want to feel like the man for the night and you’re going to let her.  It won’t be that bad, she is going to want to feel in control, this is going to turn her on big time, when she is done, pin her down and give her a good fucking.

“Gee officer, do you really have to give me that ticket? I didn’t realize how fast I was going. I’ll have sex with you if it gets me out of having to pay $500 for driving 60 miles over the speed limit while texting my mother.”

The East Rutherford Women’s swim team reporting for duty. They’re lean, they’re mean and they dominate the girl on girl events.

“Excuse me, are these the free HD porn auditions? I’m here to meet my friend Tera Patrick. Have you seen her?”

Ebony and Ivory are making the world a better place, one girl on girl in the ocean video at a time.

“Do you guys like my hair. I totes crimped it today. Trying to go for that Coyote Ugly look, you know, like in the movie. Not the one with Piper Perabo, the free HD porn version, the XXX one.”

There are five versions of doggstyle XXX you can do. Each one requires minimal effort from you.

1. Classic Doggystyle: This one is what you see in free porn all the time. The receiving partner gets on all fours with their torso near-horizontal. The active partner holds the receiver by the butt and either on your knees or standing starts plowing away. You get a view of your partner’s leather cheerio so if you’re not into that, eyes forward and focus on your thrusting.

2. Leapfrog Position: The receiver’s torso is angled downwards by resting on the elbows or upper arms, sometimes even resting directly on the floor or bed or wherever you’ve chosen to get your XXX on. The active partner gets on their knees and can penetrate easily. Leapfrog rules because you can reach your woman’s G-spot and she’ll love you forever.

3. Froggystyle Doggystyle: Not to be confused with Leapfrog, this position requires the receiving partner to lie flat while the active partner lies on top of them. You don’t see this a lot in free porn because the camera doesn’t get an ample view of titties or vag. And really, without those two things, what’s the point of pornography?

4. Arms-Back Doggystle: This one is a little kinkier. The active partner holds the receiver’s arms back (or ties them) so the receiver is dependent on the active for balance. It sounds trickier than it is, it’s also something I dream of one day doing to Melody Nakai.

5. Furniture Support: The receiver partner lies across a chair, the side of the bed or couch for support and the active partner penetrates from behind like in the other doggystyle sex positions. This one is great for when your woman is in the mood for some XXX but you just want to watch the game.

It’s been a bumpy road for Santorum anyway. First of all, the guy’s mental. Not like, oh look at my friend Tony, he’s mental because he just slammed an entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Santorum’s more like the kind of mental you stay away from. He’s the uncle everyone has that spends Thanksgiving dinner telling you how you’re committing a huge sin by dating a black chick then gets blind drunk and falls asleep with his hands on his crotch, dreaming of free HD porn. He probably lets out a fart or two that smell worse than a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and you and your dad have the unholy mission of waking him up before he wets himself. Fists are thrown, usually after you take away his keys and insist that he not drive home because of the entire box of wine he consumed. So yeah, Santorum is mental, which is why Vivid Entertainment’s Steven Hirsch told Politico that Rick is “bad for the country” and that people “are more comfortable with sexually explicit material than before”. He’s right. Everyone loves porn. Especially porn from Vivid.

The Vivid co-founder and chairman continued with, “this country has some bigger problems that they have to deal with than whether or not someone’s watching an adult film on their computer”. He’s right again, I mean we’ve got more important things to worry about as a country than people watching free HD porn, like the Albert Pujols contract. If we people want to watch sex movies, who cares? If Albert Pujols doesn’t hit, it’s a huge deal. Wait, what are we talking about? Oh yeah, Santorum. Hirsch went on to say that Rick’s claims that the porn industry hurts women were completely false. “The girls run the industry, they’re the ones that make all the decisions,” Vivid Entertainment’s head honcho said. He’s right yet again, because if you think Lexi Marie is letting people tell her what to do, you are sadly mistaken.

As Pennsylvania’s favorite pain-in-the-ass Senator prepares to do whatever he does when he’s not running for president, (play with his jiggly ball maybe?), Hirsch is relishing in Rick’s decision to suspend his campaign. With Santorum’s exit from the presidential race the XXX industry can rest easy for the time being until Mitt Romney decides it’s time to take on Vivid and the rest of the free HD porn makers.

Alien sex is exactly what you think. It’s a fetish in which chicks bang aliens. Obviously they’re not real aliens because little green men don’t exist. Sorry, if you believe in that stuff but I’ve seen Men In Black, that shizz ain’t real. Nobody’s getting fucked by ET. And how would it work? Ripley’s baby kicked through her stomach. If her unborn kid is that strong imagine how strong alien cock is? Forget it. It would break a chick’s box right in half.

Anyway, like I said, there are free porn sites devoted to alien sex. Even Orgasm.com has something about a dildo monster which is what I assume the aliens from Jupiter look like. Aliens from Uranus on the other hand, they probably look like assholes.

People are really into this stuff. I’m not against having a fetish, I just don’t get this particular one. Maybe it’s because I didn’t like the Star Trek remake? Why was Uhura banging Spock? Maybe she had a Vulcan fetish? Spock looks like the kind of guy who keeps a lambskin condom in his wallet. Vulcans man, I don’t get those guys. They probably watch the weirdest free porn too. Stuff with aliens from Uranus…

The closest I’ve ever come to watching free porn involving alien sex featured Vanessa Lane. She kind of looks like an extraterrestrial.

Shareholders of  XXX media company forced their CEO out after allegations of embezzlement surfaced. Milton plans on extracting his revenge on those who stripped him of his company by sparing no details in his memoir. The book and movie that will follow, chronicle his rise to the top of the pussy film industry.

Should be juicy. If I spent my formative years shaping Private Media Group I’d make sure to bang all the porn stars I could get my hands on, like Hailey Young. I’d probably call the book, “My Sex Adventures With Porn Pussy”. Don’t laugh. When you write your XXX memoirs you can call it whatever you want. This is my fake book!

Milton’s father started the company in 1965. It began as a porn mag but blossomed into the palace of pussy it is today. The only thing my dad ever started was a bag of chips that blossomed into an ulcer. He also claimed to have seen a UFO in our backyard. Sure dad. Have another Natty Ice. Anyway, Berth’s book should be something considering Private Media Group is Europe’s premier sex peddler. The book/movie combo is scheduled for release in 2013. Can’t wait!

Brianna Beach cums to us from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Like most chicks from the Sunshine State she grew up wanting to be a porn star. I say that because every girl I know who grew up in Florida (that’s a whole two of them) told me that when they were younger they wanted to be adult film stars. One is now a doctor, the other is a lot lizard who works in truck stops across I-95. Not so far off!

Brianna’s real name is Melissa Sternberg and she’s been a porn star for over 14 years. That’s a long time to be squirting on camera. Rumor has it that miss Beach has given up the sex movie business to become a foot model. Nice work if you can get it.

Maybe she was tired of always being wet and making everyone else wet around her with her constant squirting? Who knows. Whatever the reason Brianna Beach is rumored to have given up being a porn star, we wish her the best. However, should she wish to resume making sex clips, we welcome her back with open arms and rain slickers on, you know, because of the squirting.

It’s assumed that Batman does his fare share of fucking because he’s just a rich guy in a suit. He probably gets warmed up by watching porn about bats. If there is such a thing. He’s probably a total acousticophile too. I’m thinking he’s a boob man, has a thing for cats. Although, I would too if Catwoman were constantly throwing her feline pussy at me.

What about Spiderman? Did he trap Mary Jane in his XXX web? The guy can shoot sticky substances from his hands, does that mean his cum is just as powerful? Can you swing from tall buildings on a string of Spiderman’s splooge. Wait, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Let’s move on. Daredevil and Elektra definitely got it on. Also in real life– Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are married and we know they’ve had sex because they have three kids. I think the X-Men were able to fuck. Except for Rogue because she’d kill anyone she had sex with. Poor girl. Now that leaves us with the king of all superheroes: Superman.

Sure he’s faster than a speeding bullet, but if he shot his load into Lois Lane, wouldn’t she die? Everything about the guy is enhanced so even if he did wear a condom when they fucked, it’d probably break every time he thrusted. Wonder Woman could probably handle his load. That’d make a great porn movie: Superman and Wonder Woman 69 To Save The Earth staring Delta White. Until that day comes, we’ll just have to settle for Batman getting all the pussy.

April fools! It’s not bad for you, it’s good for you. So to promote your healthy lifestyle, here are some very hot porn pics. They’re all in black and white so it’s super classy. Enjoy!

Looks like this babe is getting her full serving of vegetables today.

Girl on girl? Sweet.

You got a little something on your lips, honey. Looks like a real Michigan mouthful.

Hope you’re thinking about Syren Sexton while you’re having sex with yourself.

More girl on girl? Does it get more XXX than that?

Before you grab your woman and run to the stairs, make sure no one’s around. It’s hard to stay hard when you’re scared someone’s going to catch you tossing a fuck into your girlfriend’s glove. Once you’ve found an empty stairwell and you’re positive no one’s going to interrupt your trying to replicate the moves you’ve seen in the free HD porn on Orgasm.com, then by all means, get busy.

There are two recommended stair sex positions. The first one I’m calling “The Larry Sanders Show” for no other reason than I’m a huge fan of Garry Shandling and because with this position it’s like you’re facing an audience. Sit on the stairs facing away from them and have your chick mount you. You’ll have a nice view of her back. Hopefully she doesn’t have bacne. Gross. The second position I’m calling the  ”XXX Snake Plissken”. I just really like the idea of Kurt Russell wearing an eyepatch and assume that every time he does some free HD porn moves they’re in a stairwell with someone he’s met during his escape from NY or LA. Right, moving on. Get your woman to position herself one step up from you with her calves resting around your thighs. Have one of your legs a few stairs down for leverage and start thrusting! This position really gets the Adrenalynn going.

I tried to find a picture of the second position, “XXX Snake Plissken”, but no luck. Instead, please enjoy  this girl on girl photo of two hotties being naughty on the stairs. I believe this is taking place in a house somewhere between Niffkin’s Bridge and Sacramento.