Shareholders of  XXX media company forced their CEO out after allegations of embezzlement surfaced. Milton plans on extracting his revenge on those who stripped him of his company by sparing no details in his memoir. The book and movie that will follow, chronicle his rise to the top of the pussy film industry.

Should be juicy. If I spent my formative years shaping Private Media Group I’d make sure to bang all the porn stars I could get my hands on, like Hailey Young. I’d probably call the book, “My Sex Adventures With Porn Pussy”. Don’t laugh. When you write your XXX memoirs you can call it whatever you want. This is my fake book!

Milton’s father started the company in 1965. It began as a porn mag but blossomed into the palace of pussy it is today. The only thing my dad ever started was a bag of chips that blossomed into an ulcer. He also claimed to have seen a UFO in our backyard. Sure dad. Have another Natty Ice. Anyway, Berth’s book should be something considering Private Media Group is Europe’s premier sex peddler. The book/movie combo is scheduled for release in 2013. Can’t wait!

It’s assumed that Batman does his fare share of fucking because he’s just a rich guy in a suit. He probably gets warmed up by watching porn about bats. If there is such a thing. He’s probably a total acousticophile too. I’m thinking he’s a boob man, has a thing for cats. Although, I would too if Catwoman were constantly throwing her feline pussy at me.

What about Spiderman? Did he trap Mary Jane in his XXX web? The guy can shoot sticky substances from his hands, does that mean his cum is just as powerful? Can you swing from tall buildings on a string of Spiderman’s splooge. Wait, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Let’s move on. Daredevil and Elektra definitely got it on. Also in real life– Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are married and we know they’ve had sex because they have three kids. I think the X-Men were able to fuck. Except for Rogue because she’d kill anyone she had sex with. Poor girl. Now that leaves us with the king of all superheroes: Superman.

Sure he’s faster than a speeding bullet, but if he shot his load into Lois Lane, wouldn’t she die? Everything about the guy is enhanced so even if he did wear a condom when they fucked, it’d probably break every time he thrusted. Wonder Woman could probably handle his load. That’d make a great porn movie: Superman and Wonder Woman 69 To Save The Earth staring Delta White. Until that day comes, we’ll just have to settle for Batman getting all the pussy.

According to reliable news source TMZ, Hazel Jones was approached by Vivid, one of our favorite porn studios to appear in some sex movies. Steve Hirsch, head of Vivid apparently offered Double Pussy Galore $1 million to star in some skin flicks. I don’t know, man. Is the world ready to see that kind of XXX action? This brings double penetration to a whole new level.

The name of Miss Jones’ condition is called uterus didelphys. Sounds like a dinosaur, doesn’t it? I think I saw porn once called “Attack Of The Killer Cervix” wherein a giant uterus didelphys wreaked havoc on a dick. Anyway, the condition occurs when the septum that divides the uterus in development fails to break down and allows the two halves to fuse into one. Gross. I know I should be mature about this, but I can’t even sit through an episode of St. Elsewhere (80s reference!) without cringing. I’m really squeamish. My DJ name would be DJ Gets Nauseous.

Hazel Jones realized there was something different about her when she was 14 after she got her period twice. If I had two dicks, I’d notice that way before I turned 14. Didn’t she go for checkups? How could her doctor not notice that? “Well Hazel, let’s take a look down there. One pussy, wait, two pussies?!?”

I feel for Hazel, but I’m hoping she decides to leave the sex movies to chicks who have one pussy, like Savanna Samson. Double Pussy Galore herself has not formally responded to Vivid’s offer to turn her into a XXX star. However, the Daily Mail reports that she is not interested in becoming a two-pussied porn star.

St. Elmo’s Fire – “A group of friends, just out of college, struggle with adulthood. Their main problem is that they’re all self-centered and obnoxious.”

Now with the wave of my XXX magic wand, it becomes pornofied!

St. Elmo’s Pussy – A group of friends, just out of college, struggle to find the time to get together for a gangbang. Luckily Wendy Beamish let’s Billy Hicks shoot his load all over her tits.

Boyz In The Hood – “Once upon a time in South Central LA…it ain’t no fairy tale. Increase the peace.”

And with the waive of my magic wand John Singleton’s saga about a group of friends growing up in the ghetto becomes almost as dirty as the free HD porn Orgasm.com supplies you with.

Pussy In The Hood – Once upon a time in South Central LA Tre Styles gives it Brandi while Ricky scores a 710 on his SATs but gets shot before he can attend USC.

Forrest Gump – “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

I waive my XXX wand all over Jenny’s tits and we turn her into Jazy Berlin. Now we have the super sex version of Tom Hanks’ Oscar winning performance of a guy who is a little slow but somehow manages to do a ton of crap like inspire John Lennon to write “Imagine”, expose the Watergate scandal and play for the University of Alabama under the legendary Bear Bryant where he gets to sit out on the two-minute drill workouts.

Pussy Gump - Life is like a box of free HD porn. You never know who you’re going to fuck after playing ping pong for the US Army team. Cum Forrest, cum!

Top Gun – “I feel the need, the need for speed.”

Before I waive my XXX wand and turn one of the greatest bromance films of all time into a free HD porn experience, let me get this out of the way: To this day, whenever I hear “Playing with the Boys” by Kenny Loggins I think about volleyball. I don’t think about Maverick’s glistening body or anything, it’s more like “Oh man, Val Kilmer didn’t used to be fat.” Okay here it is, Top Gun the sex version.

Top Pussy - I feel the need, the need for pussy at all times. Seriously Goose, you’re supposed to be my wingman. Go find me some babes to bang before I become a Scientologist and marry that chick from Dawson’s Creek. Take my breath away with some hot pussy before the gay rumors start flying and I jump up and down on Oprah’s couch.

Personally, I’m not a fan of the Detroit Red Wings. When I put my puck in her net (or tongue because you can only get your red wings via pussy licking) I’d prefer that there’s no blood on the ice. So if Johan Franzen gets bashed into the boards by Hal Gill and he starts bleeding about the face and neck, I’m not putting my face there. To quote Mr. Garrison from South Park, “I don’t trust something that bleeds for seven days and doesn’t die.” I understand that a women’s menstrual cycle is beautiful but when I’m watching HD porn or going down on a girl (like these videos on Orgasm.com) I don’t go for the Period Sex XXX package. I like the regular sex stuff and don’t have or want the proper licensing to ride the crimson wave like Bohdi. (Point Break reference! RIP Swayze.)

But yes, this post is about crime scene sex so I have to give you, dear readers, a definition. Crime scene sex is when you fuck a woman while she’s ragging it and afterwards the sheets look they’re about to make a cameo on CSI. The lovely individuals having a threesome below are not having crime scene sex, I just really like this picture because it reminds me of being in college when I was young, dumb and full of cum (Point Break reference again!).

If you are looking for crime scene sex when you’re browsing free HD porn, I salute you for having a stronger stomach than me. I like pussy, I just don’t like when it looks like an extra on True Blood, even if that pussy belongs to the lovely Zoey Kush.

You know who has a nice pussy? Free sex starlet Carli Banks. Actually most porn stars have great clam huts. You’d have a beautiful vag too if your job was to get it fucked by giant dicks all day like teenaged Kat in this video. Anyway, without further ado, here’s the list of slang terms for pussy:

axe, hachet  wound, ass mate, bearded oyster, beaver, beef curtains, bikini bizkit, Boston creampie, California angel, Chesapeake Bay, cock holster, cooter, cookie, cherry pop, cat flaps, cha-cha, cho-cha, chuff, furburger, grumble, hairy goblet, honey pot, honeysuckle, hooch, hush puppy, muff, mud flaps, Maryland clam, panty hampster, passion fruit, pink taco, poonany, poontang, southern belle, south, taco, tongue magnet, velcro triangle, vertical bacon sandwich, vertical smile, wonder down under

Each pussy is like a snowflake. There are different makes and models. Here’s some XXX slang to describe a giant snatch: the grand canyon, the great divide, horse’s collar, clown’s pocket, cathedral

Sometimes pussies are tiny and they can be known as: mouse ear, eye of a needle, Little Bo Pussy, mini-meat

Here’s the deal, vaginas are like snowflakes, each one is different. No matter what porno films will have you believe, chicks aren’t built the same and a lot of them don’t cum after four licks. It takes patience my friends, and plenty of it. Here are some tips that will make you a cunnilingus expert.

1. You cannot go down on a dry pussy. It’s akin to a piece of bread and the recipient of your tongue will not find it comfortable. Use your fingers to stimulate the area first. If not you’re going to exhaust all your energy trying to get her wet with your tongue. You don’t want to be down to the two minute warning and realize you’ll need to make a play really quickly.

2. Don’t pull the blankets over your head. Covert operations are for assassination plots on The West Wing. Are you trying to kill Qumari Defense Minister Abdul Sharif or eat some pussy? It gets hot under blankets, stay above the covers when you do some XXX licking.

3. I used to dive right in to the licking but I was told that girls like it when you tease them a little first. Start by tonguing everything but her clit. She’ll lose her mind like Spike Lee at a Knicks game and be begging for you get to the good stuff.

4. You’re about to make your XXX move onto the clit but first you have to isolate the playing field. If it’s level, i.e., there’s no hair then you’re good to go. If her bush looks like Questlove’s afro then you’re going to have to do some digging. Just make sure before you move your tongue into position that you’re not going to choke like Lebron in the 4th quarter on a natty mess of pubic hair.

5. Make the clit your bitch by showing that sucker who’s boss. Pretend the pussy is the other team’s offense and you’re trying to sack the fuck out of their quarterback. It’s a very sensitive area but you can put it in your mouth, flick it around with your tongue. If you get a penalty flag for roughing the passer, so be it.

6. There’s three seconds left and the other team is about to kick a field goal to tie up the game and send it into overtime. Call a time out and ice the kicker. When you notice that your lady is about to cum, remove your mouth from her pussy area and take a quick breather. She will go buck and try and push your head back into her end zone.

7. When you’re done get your team off the field pronto. The clit is very sensitive and needs time to recover after a serious tongue lashing. I also don’t recommend coming up for air and wiping your mouth like you’ve just had a spritz of Gatorade shot into it by a trainer and it’s dripping down your face. Be more gentle about the mouth wiping, some girls can take that the wrong way. Unless you’re going down on a porno star like Melanie Rios then you should probably film it and make a big production of wiping your mouth. And also please send me that XXX porno video. Great. Thanks.

Just like in the massage porn around the internet, to give an erotic massage, you’ll need the following items: A willing partner, warming lubricant, patience, place to give a massage (yes, your mom’s basement will work just fine) and you will end up with something like this video: A Massage with a Happy Ending.

The first step to giving an erotic massage is having a willing partner. Without one, you’ll just be massaging yourself.

An erotic massage requires an intimacy between both adults and a mutual-understanding of each other’s desires.

Choose the right stuff. The next step to giving a sexy massage is choosing the right lubricant to use. Make sure that you choose a lube that is warming to the touch; it makes thing hotter that way.

Down to business. Once you and your adult friend are ready, begin by having her strip off all clothing. Next, ask your partner to lay on their stomach.

A great place to give an erotic massage is either a bed or a large couch. Next, pour some warming lubricant down their spine and begin to massage it into their skin.

Work your way quickly up to your partner’s shoulders, then slowly work your way down their back focusing on their tight muscles, spine and long legs.

Next start working your way towards her pussy.

If she seems to tenses up, move away and focus on her ass for a while, rubbing and getting into the strong glutinous muscles.

After she has relaxed, flip her on her side and massage both her chest and above her pussy, just keep sliding then pulling away.
Most women like to be teased for a long time before actually getting direct pussy contact.

When she starts wiggling and arching her ass a bit you know you can move in between her legs again.

Ever so slowly start to rub her clit and finger her vagina, keep massaging her breasts as well.

If you know she likes a good vibrator ticking (and really, what woman doesn’t) pull out a mini vibrator and giver her a little added pleasure.

Now is the perfect time to initiate a 69 position. Start licking her pussy and slowly move your dick closer to her face, if she’s feeling grateful for the massage, she will most likely be open minded and mouthed.

If she’s down with that then you can go for the deep, penetrating massage. Nothing relaxes a pussy like a good long fucking.

While each erotic massage may not lead to sex, this doesn’t mean that you should be disappointed if it doesn’t. Just try again another day!

Don’t forget, most women would rather have a cool guy like you massage than some ugly old massage lady like this…

The smack on the tits that seemed to get that porn star so hot, will usually get you a slap in the face in real life.

slap

You have to remember, those porn stars have been rough handled so much, that often times they need a bit of brutality to feel anything at all.

Your girlfriend, probably hasn’t had hundreds of men so she needs a gentler touch. Also those big bags of silicon do tend to numb the pain receptors in fake tits.

big tits

Another thing  that seems hot in adult movies but doesn’t seem to fly in real life is spitting. Women in porn seem to love getting spit on, maybe because spit equals lube which means less work for them.

For a girl in your bedroom though, if you hawk a loogie on her pussy, she might just spit one back in your face and leave. Unless you’re dealing with a kinky suicide girl type, keep a bottle of KY on the dresser instead.

suicide girl

Porn is great, but it will never compare to an actual hookup. Keep in mind these important tips and remember that when you please the girl, she’s more likely to bring a friend along for next time.

two hot lesbians

They treasured and valued a keen mind and a sharp wit as much as they did a strong sword arm. If a man could successfully bring down a raid with few casualties and little bloodshed it brought as much glory to his name as did a great battle. It was also cheaper too and cost less in terms of manpower, energy and money to replace casualties taken to hire new swords. This naturally meant that you could extend your reach and raid even more, which meant, more booty. Rape was also one of their tools and seizing the local pussy and making off with the women to fuck them and make them their own lessened the morale of any would be defenders. So in its own way Sex served a greater purpose beyond just Sex for it’s own sake. It helped spread the viking terror and bring them more victory, with fewer stiff opposition. This in itself was a sort of cleverness.