Posts Tagged ‘Porn’

The Favor

Tuesday, November 9th, 2010

“So, how was school?” Chad’s mom asked as her son went to the refrigerator for some milk to go with the two chocolate chip cookies in his hand.

“Pretty good. I think I aced the physics test and I think I did okay on the Brit Lit exam to.”

“Good,” his mother replied, “you have a visitor waiting for you up in your bedroom.”

Chad quickly spun around with his eyes narrowing.

His mother inhaled and with a slump of her shoulders replied softly: ”It’s Brandy, she got here five minutes before you did.”

“Mom,” Chad moaned with a whisper, “I told you I didn’t want to see her anymore, she just won’t leave me alone.”

“I feel so sorry for her, eighteen year old girls need to be treated with care Chad. When a woman reaches that age she has certain…well…you know how it is.”

Chad stood sullenly as his mother continued: “Do me a favor and go up and see her, she won’t stay long, I’m sure. Just try to be nice to her, okay?”

“Jesus, mom,” Chad said, gulping back his milk. “You know she just wants to suck my cock, don’t you.”

“I know dear,” Chad’s mom replied gently, “I know. I know.”

Chad threw a deep brown-eyed stare at his mother.

“Please, Chad, just take care of her, I’d really appreciate it.” While shaking his head from side to side, Chad finally broke down and replied: ”Okay, but this is the last time, Brandy is just gonna have to find another guy to suck.”

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When he opened the door to his bedroom, he found Brandy sitting on the edge of the bed reading his latest issue of ‘Sports Illustrated’. ”

“Hi, Chad,” the petite red head said. “I didn’t mean to impose, but…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Chad said coming into his room proper. As he walked to the bed he unsnapped his jeans. With her chin to her rather massive chest-ok, that was the part of the girl Chad would never tired of-Brandy remained quiet and still as Chad let his pants fall and came to her.

“Thank you, you don’t know what this means to me,” the girl said finally looking up when Chad was a half foot from her. She smiled to the tent facing her in the boy’s bright blue boxers and scooted to the edge of the bed, placed her hands out and around Chad’s popping cock.

Working him through his boxers, Brandy angled herself even closer to the boy’s crotch as Chad looked down.

“Last time Brandy, really,” he said over her as the girl manipulated his erection through the soft material, literally licking her thick lips in anticipation.

“Do we agree, last time?” Chad continued, as Brandy squirmed on his bed, pulling at his cock.

“I won’t bare it, won’t let you see it, let alone suck it, unless you agree.”

“Yes, yes, the girl moaned, a wild look in her green eyes-like her tits, Brandy’s eyes were another feature of this girl Chad really liked-as she looked up at the boy standing over her.

“Please, Chad, just let me suck, please.”

“Agree Brandy, really” Chad said trying to hold his own as the girl massaged his cock through his shorts.

Yes, Brandy had a way of touching his cock that was just wonderful. The tall boy spied a pinpoint stain of pre come showing through his boxers.

“Yes, I agree I agree,” Brandy cried, “Please just let me give you a blow job…”

“Go ahead,” Chad said, closed his eyes, lean his head back and the girl below him peeled down his boxers and let his thick seven inches bounce free.

Brandy was good, Chad had to give her that. She had perfect thick lips-lips Chad really did love-and she swallowed his whole cock as she always did, down to the hilt. The girl really had porn skills, it was just that Chad wished she’d use them on someone else from time to time, but then again if she did that that would mean less time that Brandy would be here beneath him sucking his cock.

What a quandary!

“Ermm hummff,” he girl said all but gagging on his thickening erection and Chad nearly jumped when Brandy began to tickle his balls with her free hand. She got right under him, pushed a knuckle up into his taint and Brad felt what he knew would be the count down to him coming in this girl’s mouth not more then a minute from then.

He really did like the way Brandy worked his balls with her hand when she sucked his cock.

The door to the bedroom opened and Chad looked to see his mom come in and smile.

“I’m so glad you two get along so well,” she said, Brandy sucked as hard as she could and Chad came a thick hot fount down her throat.

Mothers do know best, Chad reasoned as he fed Brandy every last drop of his balls realizing that this wouldn’t be the last time.

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Smelling Sexy: A Sure Fire Way To Increase Your Appeal With Members Of The Opposite Sex

Sunday, November 7th, 2010

terry-richardson-tom-ford-perfume-porn-photo-1It’s common knowledge that good hygiene will increase your chances of getting laid, and the math is fairly simple: grooming + bathing = better sex. Smell is often underrated on the hygiene hierarchy, but don’t be fooled – members of both genders want a partner that smells good, and surface smell is a good indication of what their junk will smell like when you get them undressed.

Still, specific smells have never been linked to sexual prowess, causing men and women alike to splurge on cologne and perfume at alarming rates. That is, specific smells haven’t been linked to sexual prowess until now. A new study documented in Judy Dutton’s recent book – Secrets from the Sex Lab, has indicated that men are most attracted to the smell of pumpkin pie mixed with lavender. Women on the other hand, are apparently drawn towards the odor of cucumbers mixed with the candy Good and Plenty.

This is a joke right? Or an advertisement for Good and Plenty? Apparently not. The mean attractiveness of these smells has been measured scientifically using increases in blood flow – with pumpkin pie and lavender increasing blood flow in men by 40% and cucumber and candy increasing blood flow in women by 14%. What’s so special about blood flow you might ask? Well, it’s increased during sex, especially in men, who need extra blood flow to maintain an erection (this isn’t porn where blood flow is magical people!)

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What isn’t clear in the aforementioned study however, is the why. Why are these particular smells linked to sexual behavior, and how can such a large increase in blood flow be attributed to a simple scent? While answers may be forthcoming, what we do know is that this is a mighty blow to Old Spice guy. That is, unless Old Spice plans on releasing a deodorant scented like cucumbers and Good and Plenty – just think of how much action Old Spice guy would get then!

An Entry From The Handyman’s Bible: Alternate Uses For Tampons And Maxi Pads

Saturday, November 6th, 2010

It’s a situation every man finds himself in at some point in his life: his girlfriend has left him and also left her tampons and maxi pads in his washroom. The common response to this is to throw the ex’s feminine hygiene products out while cursing her existence. But wait: there are plenty of alternate uses for tampons and maxi pads – both can be valuable around the house, and a true handyman will take advantage of their more dynamic properties. So here are a few situations where vaginal products can be used instead of wasted!

Emergency Coffee Filter: If you’re like us, you’re constantly running out of coffee filters. The next time this happens, break out a maxi pad – it’s essentially a coffee filter that’s a little more absorbent. Trust us, they make a mean cup of java, and coffee grids can’t get through, no matter how finely they’re ground.

Nose bleed: Tampons are made to be absorbent, and blood is their target. Sure, your nose isn’t a sex organ, but a tampon sure comes in handy when you’re bleeding. Forget tilting your head back, nothing will get by a good tampon – they’re deigned to hold a lot more blood back than a bleeding nose will produce!

Dressing for a bullet wound: Ok, we’ll admit that we saw this in an Internet porn movie, and that it IS a little James Bond, but you never know. No one ever plans to get shot. So if someone busts a cap in your ass, you know what to do – plug that fucker up with the most absorbent thing you can find. Tampex it is!

Air Filter: If you’re painting or using noxious chemicals, don’t risk your health – make sure you protect your lungs by filtering the chemicals. If you don’t have any spare masks, maxi pads will do the trick. Just strap one over your mouth with elastic bands and voila! Instant protection.

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10 Ways To Increase Your Sperm Count

Friday, November 5th, 2010

Nov 4 orgasm.com1Maybe you’re trying to knock up some broad, maybe you’re trying to make the best sperm cocktail you can make for a slut to drink, or maybe you just want to feel more manly and you think that increasing your sperm count will do just that.

Whatever your motives may be, there are actual ways out there that can create more man juice for your enjoyment!

I hate to say it, but if you want to bust a big nut, then you’re going to have to have sex and masturbate less often. The more times you cum, the less dense your semen will be. Try and maintain a gap of three whole days, yes I said 3 days, between 2 consecutive ejaculations.

Refrain from all of your most favorite habits. Smoking, drinking and doing drugs affect your liver function, which will cause a dramatic rise in estrogen levels. Even a measly two drinks a day will have long term effects on sperm production.

I know you’re probably already a hot stud with six pack abs, but if you’re not, then you’re going to want to hop on that treadmill. Also, exercising your PC muscles will help you shoot your load further than you’ve ever done before.

Eating healthy will have more benefits than just increasing sperm count. Diets that are low in fat and high in protein, vegetables, and whole grains is the way to go. Try and avoid bitter, astringent and spicy foods, along with caffeine.

You want your manhood to be able to breathe. Wearing tightie whiteies will only decrease your sperm count. Wear loose, cotton boxer shorts and avoid hot baths and saunas. You want to keep your boys away from the heat.

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Lose any excess weight because being fat will cause testosterone/oestrogen imbalances.

Because your not having sex as often, your probably feeling a lot more stressed. Try and learn other relaxation techniques besides watching porn and try something different like meditation or yoga.

Instead of having your girl massage sensual oils all over your body, have some alone time and do it to yourself with herbal oil because it will improve blood circulation.

Get off the steroids and try some natural supplements that promise to increase sperm production.

Get all of your fucking done and over with in the early morning or afternoon because your sperm levels are often highest in the morning!

The Sex Files: What’s Your Type?

Thursday, November 4th, 2010

You just broke up with your long term girlfriend and your buddies have called for a night out on the town to get you off the couch and out of the house, for that matter.

You tell them that you’re not really feeling up for it, until you realize that the only thing that is going to get you over your ex is to go out and have a nice one night stand with a sexually experienced chick that you meet at the bar.

Before you head out, you must first decide what type of chick you are going to want to bring home with you. There are a lot of different things to consider and a lot of different types of women to analyze.

The Party Girl“: These chicks love to drink and if they’re drunk it will be a lot easier to convince them to sleep with you. Even if you’re not the best looking guy, a good set of beer goggles can make any man look like Brad Pitt. Being wasted allows for all inhibitions to be thrown out the window and these chicks will more then likely be down for anything in the bedroom. However, you might have to do it in the bathroom so they can have easy access to the toilet to puke whenever they’re feeling queasy. And, if they’re too wasted, they could just pass out on you and lie there like a dead fish and leave all the work up to you. Actually, scientists say that party girls are often the ones who leave all the work up to the men when it comes to sex. This is probably not your best choice.

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The Gymnastics Girl“: This chick is super hot and has a great body. Not too mention she can bend like a pretzel and put herself in positions you’ve only seen on some freaky porn. Maybe she has a set of rings in her bedroom and can do the splits. The downsize is that they might see sex as an athletic activity and freak you out when she tries to beat you in a naked push up contest.

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The Smart Girl“: Take off the glasses and the collared shirt and maybe we have something here. Or maybe not. At least smart girls will know all there is to know about sex because they’ve probably read about it in the America Sex Journal. Most guys think that smart girls talk too much and you have to listen to them. According to the University of Guelph, college girls are more comfortable with sex, get aroused easier, and more likely to talk dirty. Scientists say that smart girls are better in bed because they can read our body language, take direction and they can communicate erotically. Therefore, they have the know-how to rock in bed.

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But, don’t take my word for it, go try it out yourself now that you know what type of chick is your best bet when you want a hot one night stand!

Is Bigger Better?: The Best Celebrity Breast Implants

Thursday, November 4th, 2010

Hollywood has always been built on smoke an mirrors – it’s a land where illusion is greater than reality and bigger is always better. Case in point: celebrity breasts. Since the advent of breast implants, breast size has shot through the roof in Hollywood, with breast implants being as prevalent as fake tans since the early 2000′s. Take an organization like World Wrestling Entertainment for example – over 95% of the women in wrestling have breast implants, and it’s now considered a requirement for the job. So let’s take a look at some of the biggest celebrities with boob jobs, in ascending order of breast size.

Victoria Beckham

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One half of the hottest celebrity couple in the UK, Victoria Beckham has been known to deny that she has fake tits. Her implants tell another story however – while not huge in size, their perfectly round shape make Beck’s breasts undeniably fake. Really, Victoria should sue whoever did this to her – it looks as if she’s has a couple of baseballs sewn under her skin – as she has one of the worst boobs jobs in Hollywood.

Christina Aguilera

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Aguilera’s breasts grew somewhere between her Genie in a Bottle phase, and her transformation to dirty denizen of pop sluthood. While she suffers from serious clown-face (a medical condition that makes whores look a lot like Ronald McDonald) these days, her tits still look just right. We give Christina a thumbs up for choosing the perfect size and shape for her girls – maybe she’ll consider a career in porn next?

Pamela Anderson

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At one time, Pamela Anderson was Hollywood’s preeminent sex symbol. Multiple appearances in Playboy, a sex tape, and the revelation that she has Hep-C later, and she’s just another celebrity is huge tits. She’ll be remembered as an innovator however, as her popularity ushered in a wave of women who got boob jobs to complete.

Heidi Montag

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Heidi Montag is the modern prototype of success in Hollywood. Montag built her star on reality television, and now that her status has declined has turned to plastic surgery for attention. And what a Frankensteinian transformation! Heidi opted to go way too big in every respect, effectively ruining her body and transforming herself into an alien posing as a plastic fuck doll. While Christina Aguilera is a good role model for girls who want breast implants, Montag should be everyone’s warning.

The Most Fuckable Extra Terrestrials

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

I’m not going to lie, I’ve always been a closet treky. I love everything about sci-fi and I’m finally ready to admit it. I’m even part of a club dedicated to enjoying everything about Star Trek, Star Wars, and anything else that is incredibly nerdy.

Now, I know most of you are thinking that I’m totally lame for being into all of this nerdy shit, but let me tell you, there are some pretty hot chicks on these shows and in these books that are completely fuckable.

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Connie Conehead from The Coneheads: Sure, she has a huge head, but her face is pretty hot. And if you don’t like the head, you could always put an extra large garbage bag on top of it.

Evie from Out of This World: Remember this hot half alien? I always fantasized about fucking her when she was on the show. But now she’s even older and hotter. Maybe she could freeze time mid-fuck by putting her two fingers together.

LEELOO from The Fifth Element: She’s dumber than a brick, but she’s really hot and lives up to her “perfect being” reputation.

Seven of Nine from Star Trek Voyager: The bedazzled catsuit that she struts around in as the Borg refugee who joined the crew of the Starship Voyager gave me an instant boner every time I would see her.

Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica: This bad ass would be perfect in the bedroom because you know she would be prepared with her whips and chains. Bring it on!

Celeste Martin from My Stepmother in An Alien: This sexy stepmom was the fantasy of all of my wet dreams from 1988 until present day.

Sil from Species: A woman created with DNA codes from outer space who loves to be naked and really likes sex; it can’t get much better than that. However, there is one downfall, what if she is prone to killing her mate afterwards? Well, that’s a sacrifice I would probably be willing to take.

After you’ve read this I’m sure there will be a lot of you that will take an interest in Sci-fi because it’s not just about outer space and de-coding, it’s also about hot chicks in sleek spacesuits that are not only eye candy, but great fantasies for your dreams and when you’re jacking off of course. I’m sure there is also some space alien porn out there that you could get into as well.

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Benz: A Name For All Professions?

Monday, November 1st, 2010

Julie Benz caught her big break when Dexter, a Showtime television series, hooked North American television audiences with its unique breed of sex, sun and murder. Benz however, considered a legitimate actress, caught our eye not only for her standout performances, but for her name as well. It seems that in today’s film industry there are many more Benz’s in Internet porn films than legitimate productions, and while Julie Benz is working in Hollywood rather than Silicon Valley, it seems she may be capitalizing off of the success of her well chosen name.

Julie Benz

The line between whore and heroine is paper thin in the 21st century. Take the similarities between Julie and porn star Nikki Benz – both are fake blondes, have breast implants, and appear naked on film. Nikki is considered unmarketable in a mainstream sense because she explicitly takes dick in her pussy while Julie rides Michael C. Hall covertly. We ask however: aren’t both women essentially doing the same thing? These two little whores sell their bodies for money, no different than other porn stars such as Bethany Benz or Krystal Benz.

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When Julie Benz registered a name designed to remind viewers of sex, she knew exactly what she was doing. Benz has been successful too, marketing herself in same way as the porn industry markets their biggest stars. Going back further, the use of the name Benz in porn is clearly lifted from the European automotive manufacturer Mercedes, a cleaver pun on the sexy curves their cars are known for portraying. So how come no one else has caught on to what’s happening here? Perhaps we’re blinded by misleading moral values – after all, we all get fucked or do the fucking in one sense or another. It just depends on when and where – and it seems Julie Benz is a master of timing.

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What Cosmopolitan Never Told You

Thursday, October 28th, 2010

Admit it. Everytime you’re in line at the grocery store, you can’t help but take a quick peek at the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine. After all, what guy can ignore the words “Shocking Things Women Do In Bed” placed next to a smoking hot model? Now, before being tempted enough to actually buy a copy, know that ‘Cosmo’ is not always right. In fact, they are often guilty of concealing some important factors when declaring they can teach you how to have ‘the best sex ever”. Below, we list some of the things that Cosmo never told you:

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1. Sex Toys – Dildos and vibrators, butt plugs and handcuffs; these are a few of Cosmopolitans favorite things. And while they love nothing more than to push their readers into buying as many sex toys as possible, what happens when you have a couple of curious children? Sure, a carefully stashed vibrator may go by unsuspected, but leave your sex paraphernalia lying around the house and you’ll wind up scarring your children for life.

2. Sex & Food – While I would never say no to champagne and strawberries, there comes a point where having food in the bedroom becomes a problem. Have you ever tried to mix honey and pubic hair? I wouldn’t recommend it. Not only will your bed sheets get incredibly filthy (and not in a good way) but you’ll risk ending up in the hospital when you find out your vag is lactose-intolerant.

3. Sexting – Sending a couple of racy text messages to your significant-other can be a lot of fun. What’s not fun, is when a magazine places so much importance in sexting that your girlfriend becomes obsessed with it. So much so, in fact, that you quickly run out of replies and start to dream of the days where you actually had real-life sex.

4. Bondage – I’d be lying if I said that a little rope action will do nothing for your sex life. When free porn is no longer sufficient, some good old fashioned bondage can do wonders. On the other hand, scaring the living hell out of your boyfriend with handcuffs and ropes in tow is not exactly sexy. Refrain from taking Cosmo’s articles too literally.

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5. Outdoor Sex – By now, we all know that Cosmopolitan loves nothing more than to promote an exiting and liberating sex life. And what better way to do that then by romping outdoors? But what may start off as thrilling may end up with you and your significant-other in the back of a cop car. Just something to keep in mind.

McLovin’

Thursday, October 28th, 2010

There was recently a study put out by McDonald’s that surveyed about 2000 Canadians. The findings of the survey showed that frequent McDonald’s consumers are showing love for the late night drive-thru, rather than some late night loving. Instead of fulfilling late night cravings with hot sex, this group would rather satisfy their desires with a big, fat, juicy Big Mac.

The marketing department at McD’s says this is because most drive-thru’s are open 24 hours, so they can better satisfy late night cravings.

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What does this say about Canadians to the rest of the world? In my opinion it says that we’re fat, and too damn lazy to have sex. What is this world coming too?

Thankfully we’re not the only country to choose McDonald’s over the more traditional late night cravings. Three McDonald’s outlets in Hong Kong are now offering “McWeddings”, a chance to get married under the golden arches.

According to a McDonald’s executive, “traditional weddings use cherries for the newlyweds to eat together and kiss. We will have french fries for them to kiss. People said they dated here or met here, and wanted to get married here. We see this as a business chance.”

So, we now have real people out there who would prefer to have a Big Mac rather than sex, and would like to have their wedding at McDonald’s. Those Big Mac lovin’ Canadians are probably extremely jealous of those Chinese people who can kill two birds with one stone by having sex while eating a Big Mac immediately after their McWedding. Sounds just great!

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It’s hard for me to process this information; then again, people are willing to have Star Wars and Lord of the Rings themed weddings, so it was only inevitable that somebody would want to get hitched at McDonald’s.

It’s only a matter of time before fast food ranks first on the priority list of people all over the world. Next thing you know we’re going to be watching burger porn; picture a fat chick rubbing Big Mac sauce all over her body. Yummy.