Posts Tagged ‘penis’

Homemade Kitchen Sex Toys

Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

Forget what your parents told you about not playing with your food. You’re not a little kid anymore, and incorporating food into your sex life can really spice things up.

Remember the saying, “if you can’t take the heat, then get out of the kitchen”? Well, the kitchen is about to be on fire, so put your game face on and play along.

You can try playing with food in wild ways that you’ve never dreamed of. Have fun with honey, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, or even marshmallow fluff. Carrots and cucumbers can make great penis substitutes. Have your girl use them on herself, or you take control. Remember, put a condom on it!

There’s also a lot of other things in the kitchen that can be used as sex toys, besides food.

Roll up a towel and place a plastic bag in the “tube” that the towel created. Fill the plastic bag with lube, then place it somewhere you can thrust away into.

Line a plastic cup with two thick kitchen sponges. Wet the sponges with warm water and then lube up the space between the sponges. Once again, place it somewhere and thrust away.

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Check out the freezer because ice can be amazing for sexual thrills and chills for the both of you. Tease your chick by rubbing a piece of ice, or maybe even some frozen peas along her nipples, face, arms, thighs, ass, and clit. If you have some popsicles in there, you can use one as a dildo. I know you’ve probably watched this on porn somewhere, but you have to remember to not leave it inside your chick for too long because she could get a bad case of freezer burn! They don’t tell you that in porn.

Saran Wrap can also be a kinky substitute. Wrap some around your girls body, and your own if you really want to be frisky. It’s a fun and easy way to create your own lingerie; it’s see through, and easy to strip off.

Instead of using the spatula to make cupcakes, bend your girl over your leg and spank her ass with it. If she’s not really into the spanking, then flip it over and use it as a homemade dildo. Make sure there are no sharp edges on the surface that could cut into skin.

Use anything that is electrical as a vibrator. Place it on your girls pussy and she will completely enjoy herself. Once again, remember to use your common sense and play safe.

After you’ve broken in your kitchen and used it as the sexual haven that it is intended for, have your girl make you dinner. Skip dessert, and move into another room in the house and use everything in it for your sexual pleasure.

The Mile High Club #2

Friday, October 22nd, 2010

“…..we’ll be cruising at an altitude of 33,000 feet with an air speed of 480 knots, the weather is clear and we should reach Houston right on time, and thank you for flying World Air!.” Emma Burton stared out the window at the fading lights of Seattle’s skyline, then turned to the dog-eared soft cover in her lap.

“That’s one of his better ones,” she heard a soft voice say and the sixty two year old woman looked up to the bright face of the young man sitting next to her.

Emma had somewhat noticed the tall boy when she had had to crawl past his high knees a half-hour earlier, but with all the preflight jostling and cramped space she really had kept her attention out the window.

Now though… ”I have a prejudice for my home town writers,” she said.

“I go to school in Seattle,” the handsome brown-haired blue-eyed boy said. “But I’m a native Texan, gotta get home for my cousin’s wedding.”

“I’m going to see the grandkids,” Emma said taking the hand the boy was offering.

“My name is Parker Price.”

Despite herself Emma tittered slightly.

“Everybody laughs the first time,” P.P. said smiling and holding her with his deep blue eyed.

He really was adorable, Emma thought, probably only a few years older then her eldest grandson, quite a good-looking fresh-faced Texas boy with an easy, slightly verbose manner; perfect company for this flight.

Talking, joking and sipping a few drinks between then (Parker was at least old enough to drink, Emma mused) the older woman and young man enjoyed their conversation until about half way through the flight when Parker yawned, excused himself and yawned again.

“I hope it’s not the company,” Emma said.

“I’m sorry,” Parker said putting down his second wine. “I just got no sleep last night, we…well…frats can get crazy sometimes. Believe me Emma,” and here the boy stopped to fix her again with his amazing blue eyes. “The company is amazing.”

Feeling she was blushing like a bride, Emma quickly changed the subject.

“I really want to get into this for a bit,” she said raising her book between them. “Get a couple of winks and I’ll wake you in a bit so we can talk until we land, ok?”

“Ok,” Parker said and turned from her slightly.

In less than a minute Parker was asleep while Emma turned on her overhead light and returned to reading her book. This was a good a time as any to get a really good look at the boy, she thought, something she had wanted to do the minute he began speaking to her. Sure she was old enough to be Parker’s gran, but why not have a little look see for curiosity sake. And besides, didn’t they always say ‘things’ were bigger in Texas?

Studying Parker’s broad chest, his thick legs, Emma took her time looking over her book’s edge before she stared hard at the boy’s crotch. It was thick, it was nice and heavy, it was…growing! Parker’s penis seemed to be stiffening in his sleep. So much so the boy stirred, opened his eyes and caught the lady watching.

“I…uh…” he said rolling and shucking.

“Parker, a woman my age has seen a few erections in her time,” she said and the boy relaxed slightly.

“I’m sorry, I just…”

“You should use that as soon as possible, mustn’t’ let a beautiful cock like that go to waste.”

Parker smiled at the woman’s use of such a pointed, dirty word.

“Maybe I will,” he said, unbuckled his seatbelt and stood from his seat.

Emma watched the boy’s fine high ass as he walked to the back bathroom of the quiet plane. A minute later she folded the paperback in the sleeve in front of her, unbuckled as well, stood to straighten her skirt and made her way back to the same bathroom. Making sure no flight attendants were present nor no passengers awake and looking, Emma knocked on the skinny door and Parker opened it. She walked in to the tight closet-sized room to find the boy sitting on the closed toilet lid, naked from the waist down, his huge purpling erection in his hands.

“They do say things are bigger in Texas,” Emma said securing the door behind her.

“I…I am just so, well, you made me really horny,” Parker began. “I was dreaming about you doing…”

“…something like this?” Emma asked, got to her knees and lean in to take the boy’s popping penis into her mouth.

Parker lean back in the cramped space as the willowy regal woman, old enough to be his grandmother, began to give him the best blow job he had ever felt in his life.

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Horizontal Academics Goes Viral

Monday, October 18th, 2010

If you’ve had any sort of online presence within the past week, chances are you’ve come across the whole ‘Duke Fuck List’ shenanigan. For those who haven’t, allow me to break it down for you. Karen Owen – an alum from Duke University – created a “Senior Honors Thesis” in the form of a 41-page Power Point presentation. The title? An Education Beyond the Classroom: Excelling in the Realm of Horizontal Academics. In it, she goes into detail about the thirteen men she had sex with over the course of her studies. Not leaving much to the imagination, each lay was presented by their full names and a clarifying picture.

Each of her encounters were described – in detail – from the moment they met, to the point where they had sex. The evaluation was based on a variety of different factors. These included: sexual performance (aggressiveness, penis size and creativity) and status (looks and athleticism). On a slide titled “Background”, Owen states, “In this Duke study, we used data from four years at Duke University to create evaluation materials for such encounters and applied these criteria to the evaluated Subjects hopefully allowing for future maximization of enjoyment of such procedures.” In a nutshell, she means that the only reason she described her sexual experiences was in order to provide a point of reference for future girls looking to hook up with said men.

Owen claims to not have planned for the document to be made public. Despite only sending it out to three of her friends, once one decided to pass it on, the rest came as a sort of domino effect. Since its wide-spread release, many of the men featured on her report have spoken out in frustration. Some have even asked that websites remove their name and picture from the web. Surely, lawsuits should follow (though none have been filed as of yet). In an interview with the website Jezebel, Owen said, “I regret it with all my heart. I would never intentionally hurt the people that are mentioned on that.” Since the incident, she has also cancelled all of her social media profiles, thus leaving angry men and media outlets alike out in a man hunt.

War Victim

Thursday, October 14th, 2010

During the war, while visiting an obscure whorehouse on the fringe of the red light district, Doug met a young Vietnamese girl who turned tricks for $15. He got to know the bright-eyed beauty during further frequent ‘visits’, and over time he and Jay-Pang became friends. Seeing as she was very pretty and very young, Jay-Pang with the blue-black hair and perfect little pussy was a hot commodity for anyone who had the money to pay for her services, and by the time she met Doug, she was nineteen years old and had been turning tricks for over a year. Smitten, Doug promised her that some day he would get her out of ‘The Nam and take her to America.

The war soon began to turn and with Doug’s hitch coming to an end, he called in a few favors, got himself a good army lawyer and obtained a passport for Jay. In August of ’73, he slipped her out of the brothel and via Australia put the girl on a plane to San Francisco.

As the young interracial couple settled down into their new apartment, it quickly became apparent that Jay-Pang coddled an insatiable sexual appetite. Almost always naked in their apartment, the wan girl would constantly attempt to engage Doug as if she were still in the brothel back in Saigon. When visitors would stop over, and Doug could convince the girl to get dressed, she’d sit in a chair and cross her legs high on the knee or flash her ass and tits at company as much as she could. For Doug’s sake, most of his friends laughed off the girl’s attempt at attention, but for Doug Jay-Pang’s actions were unsettling.

All this sexual acting-out was simply reflex for the girl, Doug knew and he was damn well satiated with Jay-Pang’s twice-daily blowjobs as he was her riding his cock at every conceivable moment (when she wasn’t swallowing his raging seven inches) but Doug feared even his very active sexual appetites weren’t enough for his young wife.

Tom and Erica were coming over for dinner and Doug hoped that maybe they could be some help in solving Jay-Pang’s problem. As usual, Jay was in as slinky an outfit she could find, sitting on the couch with her legs spread wide when the young couple entered. Everyone sat down with a drink not paying much attention to Jay-Pang’s usual display but after several minutes of chit chat, Doug addressed the obvious.

“You guys gotta help us,” he said and laid out his plan. Another round of drinks were passed, Tom stood and with a nod from Erica-who found Doug’s idea as brazen as she did exciting-moved to the front of the couch while Jay-Pang scooted forward.

“You want Su Lin to give you suckee?” she asked. Tom, now embarrassed, just nodded his head while Jay-Pang knelt to the floor, unzipped his trousers and pulled out his semi-erect penis. Within seconds the little girl had the man’s cock in her mouth, in a minute Tom was fully hard and thrusting his head back and yet another minute later he was shuttering, Erica was wide-eyed watching her man’s little ass clench and Tom was shooting a thick how load down the Oriental girl’s throat.

The room was silent as Jay-Pang sat back a minute later, licking the dollop of come off her lower lip she hadn’t managed to swallow. Zipping up and making his way back to his chair, Tom looked over to his wife, shrugging his shoulders.

“Is she as good eating pussy,” was all Erica could managed. Jay-Pang got to her knees then and crawled over to the short woman with the olive complexion and long legs. Luckily for all Erica had worn a short mini-dress, fashionable of the times. She simple spread her taut thighs and Jay-Pang reached under the lady’s skirt, peeled down her panties and had her face up and under, her perfect little ruby lips on Erica’s wet and spread ones in second.

“Oh ho, oh,” Tom’s wife called out, Jay-Pang licked, Tom’s cock grew all over again and Doug realized not only had he found the perfect solution for his wife’s ‘problem’, but true friends in Tom and Erica.

Anti-Masturbation Contraptions Of The Past

Wednesday, October 13th, 2010

Masturbation hasn’t always been so popular or easily accepted as it is today(provided it remains confined between closed doors). Products that claimed to prevent you from “self abuse” were all the range in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Here, we take a look at some of the most outrageous – and painful – anti-masturbation contraptions in history.

1. The Jugum Penis – Once upon a time, nocturnal “emissions” were considered to cause a disease called “spermatorrhoea”. While nowadays we understand that this so-called “disease” was really just another word for ‘wet dreams’, men living in the Victorian era were provided with The Jugum Penis, an apparent cure for “spermatorrhoea”. Made out of a metal ring, the device – which resembles a small bear trap – was placed around the base of the penis and held in place by a clip. If a man was to get an erection, the contraption would then snap shut, likely causing a great deal of pain for the “patient”.

2. The Mechanical Sheath – In a nutshell, this device was essentially a chastity belt for men. Positioned over the penis, it was literally impossible to remove without pain or “possible mutilation”. The only way out of this trap, was through a tiny and unique key. Losing it, meant giving up on your sex life altogether.

3. Graham Cracker – Despite still serving as a popular pie crust, Graham Crackers – developed by Sylvester Graham in 1837 – was originally meant to ward off masturbation. Apparently, eating the extremely bland cracker would drastically decrease your lust , thus lowering your “vital fluids”. Now you’ll think twice before eating a s’more.

4. The Bowen Device – Here’s an alternative to shaving you’ll be glad not to have experienced. Despite looking rather tame, The Bowen Device works by clinging to pubic hair. Once the user gets an erection, hairs get ripped out in the process. Razors have never sounded so good.

5. Electric Anti-Masturbation Machine – Unlike what you may think, this contraption wouldn’t necessarily electrocute penises after an erection. Built in France in 1915, it would instead set off an alarm whenever a man had a boner. While I don’t necessarily understand who would volunteer to walk around with a boner announcer, the humiliation aspect alone is sure to have steered them off of masturbating.

Fluid vs. Fixed: Sexual Orientation

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010

Gay, straight, bi-sexual; these labels may soon become obsolete. A recent study suggests that nearly 30% of lesbian-identified women have fallen in love with a man. Many women, throughout their lifetime, who at some point identify themselves as a lesbian, tend to weave in and out of their orientation. This refers to not just a fling, but legitimately having fallen in love. In the study of 100 women over a period of 10 years, the majority of women modified the labels associated with their sexual orientation, a trend that increased as time went on. Several participants adopted a preference of being “unlabeled” as they aged, while others have acknowledged a possible shift in their sexual identity in the future.

Take Anne Heche, for example. She was in a relationship with Ellen Degeneres for three years, while both before and after that period in her life she was with men. This is not meant to suggest sexual preference is a “choice,” but rather, that women’s attraction to another is based on more than indoor and the outdoor plumbing that defines the porn industry. It is something behind the eyes that women connect to.

Men, on the other hand, tend to have a more fixed relationship with their sexual orientation. It is far less common for a straight man to fall in love with a penis other than his own, or vice versa. They are more likely to label themselves as a certain sexual preference, and to stick with it for life. This further serves to back up the theory that men are attracted to visual and physical stimuli, while women are turned on by psychological and emotional factors.

It seems the titillation many men experience regarding bi-sexual women has caused a kind of backlash against women who flip flop between gender selections. The notion of two girls together (with room for some voyeuristic cock) may be a common interpretation of these studies, spurring a classic fantasy into a realistic possibility. Fathers, lock up your lesbians! The word is spreading that men may have a chance to spread her, and with all that pussy-lovin’ out in the open, he might inch ever so closely toward the threesome of his dreams.

Looking ahead to Valentine’s Day!

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

No, not in that cheesy Hallmark kinda way!

Looking for something really special to do? Then jump on a plane this heartsday and check out a bonerfide Detroit Valentines staple: The Dirty Show!

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