Farrah Abraham

The newest whore to join the ranks is reality TV star Farrah Abraham, who became famous for opening up her legs as a teen, and then parading herself on MTV where her financial gains from the show went into plastic surgery and fake tits. After the show’s cancellation in late 2012, Abraham hired porn star James Deen to fuck her in the ass with the intention of fooling the public that it was a personal sex tape, however Deen spoke out about the production calling it a pornography film which he was paid for.

Kim Kardashian

The unknown whore who was on film sucking pop singer Ray J’s big cock skyrocketed into stardom when her homemade sex tape hit the net. She made a whopping $5 million dollars from Vivid Entertainment after a lawsuit, and Vivid have made $35+ Million from it since. This is the textbook case of a gold digger, which is somewhat ironic since she’s expecting Kanye West’s baby.

Paris Hilton

Since her sexcapades were filmed on a night vision camera in 2004, Paris Hilton has gone on to appear in numerous reality television shows, television and movie cameo appearances, and has even gone on to begin to attempt a career deejaying and producing shity house music, however A Night In Paris is single handedly the best thing Paris Hilton has done, or will ever do.

Pamela Anderson

The blonde bombshell who dominated men’s fantasies in the 1980-90s filmed an amateur sex video with her husband rocker Tommy Lee in 1998 and accidently had it leaked. This would end up being the textbook case for all ‘leaked videos’ for years to come. The video prompted Anderson into the tabloids, however due to Lee’s surprisingly massive cock, he ended up in a stream of reality television shows and made him a pop reality star.

Fred Durst

The Limp Bizket frontman made a homemade sextape which showed him having sex with a hot blonde in POV sex positions which was stolen off his home computer and uploaded around the net. Durst filed a lawsuit against 10 different websites which uploaded the free sex video for $70 Million dollars. Probably one of the most profitable amateur sex videos ever uploaded to the Internet.

You know what I love about sex tapes? Seeing your favorite celebrities (or ones you can’t stand but still wouldn’t mind seeing naked) doing the nasty. You know what I can’t stand about sex tapes…?

SOAP BOX OUT.

Sex is already awkward. And if you don’t agree then you watch too many romantic comedies. Sure, we all get our groove with a partner we’ve been with for 3 years but there is no such thing as a successful one night stand. The favorable memories are either what you’ve kidded yourself into thinking it was, what your drunk brain interpreted it as, or the story you concocted for your friends. So really, by its very nature, the sex tape can’t be that cool, sexy thing you hope for.

Take for example the case of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. Sure, she is (by most standards) “HOT.” And Tommy Lee indeed has a impaling mechanism that truly needs to be seen. But early on she makes it clear that she’s not comfortable with the camera and/or the idea of having their innermost intimate moments captured on film. THIS MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

The same can be said for Paris Hilton. And while honestly, there was a time when someone could’ve told me “Dude did you hear? Paris Hilton just fell off her hooker heels, onto a freeway onramp and got hit by 6 streetracers doing 90!” and I probably would have laughed and collected the money won from years of including her in a ‘Death Pool.’ But once again, she expressed a definite disinterest and apprehension at being recorded in her most vulnerable of states. AND THIS MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that these women were raped. Definitely not. Eventually they did what they usually do best and suckered up to the camera, both with dicks in and out of frame. I’m just realizing that unless the woman on tape is as into it as her male counterpart, the results are generally less than favorable.

Which leads me to former Playboy model and Hugh Hefner GF; Kendra Wilkinson. I have expressed very openly my disdain for this reality show attention whore. She drives me nuts. She has no talent. She has no social worth. She’s retarded. She’s NOT funny. And her laugh makes me want to kill someone. But she now joins the ranks of people I have seen have sex that MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE. And now I feel really sorry for her. But this is where my inner turmoil begins…

From what I understand, if the information I’ve collected is correct, Kendra originally tried to shop the tape herself about a year and a half ago. She’s obviously fine with it being out and, from what I’ve been told, really needed the cash money. Attempts to start a company to handle the sale and distribution were ultimately scrapped and the tape fell by the wayside, except for some release forms that were indeed signed. Flash forward, and the word on the street is that the fat, ugly, DAMN LUCKY, balding, redheaded-redneck who appears “alongside” Kendra, shopped the tape himself. Successfully.

The first thing that pissed me off is that we immediately got a SAD, SHOCKED, and AFRAID FOR HER MARRIAGE Kendra gracing the covers of magazines as far and wide as…well just very far and wide. The story line has since found its way onto her stupid reality show, which makes me throw up a little at each and every teaser ad on TV (YEAH. I watch a lot of E! Don’t judge).

But here’s the thing. This is all bigger than her. Bigger than E! Bigger than personal feelings of sloppy blondes who are ultimately “betrayed” by once trusted boyfriends and confidants. This shouldn’t be found sexy. This shouldn’t turn you on. I don’t really understand anyone who wouldn’t watch this sort of phenomenon and feel a little dirty inside and realize it’s actually not very fun after all. I remember the first time seeing a “Girls Gone Wild” video and immediately thinking there must be a shit-ton of pissed off fathers of drunk daughters, out there seeking revenge on Joe Francis. ESPECIALLY upon hearing that all they receive in return for their model release is a GGW t-shirt. AND “Boys Gone Wild” is even worse!! Sure, it’s entirely consensual, but it’s uncomfortable, and simply translates into gross feelings and the overwhelming need to take a shower (there are few things more awkward than watching some poor shlub do the helicopter and try to jerk his noodle dick while hearing the announcer girl laugh at him from behind the camera).

I’m sure there are those out there who feel differently, and to them I say ‘shame on you.’ Unless someone is expressly looking to be humiliated I don’t think that sort of thing has a place in the bedroom, and by association, our DVD players. Kendra isn’t scarred by her involvement in the tape, it’s been many years and she’s happy, married to a man who loves her, former Philadelphia Eagles receiver; Hank Baskett. But she may have forgotten how that felt in the moment. She had a controlling prick telling her what to do, ignoring her many requests to turn the camera off, zooming in at times after she’d persistently asked him not to. Unfortunately the release of this tape (and she DID ultimately get a cut of it’s profits – being paid an incredible $800k before the tape even hit the shelves) does nothing to help the idea of women empowering themselves through comfortable sexuality and nudity (if they so wish). Instead this is just another creepy attempt to titillate and stimulate the fucktards of the world who only see a naked body and gyrating genitalia. And while I too am a fan of both aforementioned visual perks, my pants are staying on for this one.

SOAP BOX IN.