Posts Tagged ‘orgasms’

The 15 Minute Orgasm

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

Becoming the modern day superhero known to sexy ladies everywhere as Orgasmo doesn’t involve a life study in tantric sex. Young grasshopper, the Yoda of orgasms is here to teach you the art of the 15 minute orgasm. You can turn that quickie into a orgasm that will leave her twitching for two hours if you follow my advice.

Sexologists at the Kinsey Institute in the US found that average women can orgasm after 10-20 minutes of sex. Learning how to prep your sexy lady with some pre-gasm exercises will stimulate her vaginal nerves and have her pussy warmed up for performance.

After you take her to a comedy show, or wait till she’s done her yoga class, have a few drinks of wine at your flat. Researchers at the University of Florence found that women who drink a glass or two of red wine are more aroused. Don’t worry if you cant warm her up with wine, as you can always try some free porn instead.

Now that she’s in the mood, it’s your turn to provide everything she needs.

15 Minute Mark

In the beginning of your 15 minute orgasm teachings, you will need to utilize the simplest of moves. Invest at least 3 minutes to kissing – it has been found to reduce levels of stress and turns a women on faster then a Brad Pitt autograph. German scientists found that kissing develops a connection chemical between the two of you called oxytocin. It will build trust and encourage lady to cum quickly, and often! Be sure you kiss more than her mouth. Pay attention to her neck and ears, while undressing her slowly.

12 Minute Mark

Your girl is nearly naked now, but keep her underwear on for another minute or so. “Stroke and caress her through the fabric rather than going for gold,” says sex therapist Paula Hall. “Focus on building anticipation rather than going straight for direct stimulation. If you make it seem like you’re in for a quickie she is less likely to orgasm as quickly. Women love a man who is good with his hands.

10 Minute Mark

Orgasms aren’t always about foreplay, however if you’re going to skip the foreplay, be prepared for a fickle fuck. Providing some warm up till this point is important in setting the stage for her explosive orgasm. Clocking in at around 7 minutes of solid penetration is the ideal time to push things to the next level.

7 Minute Mark

Inexperience men at this point will probably be asking themselves “next level?! isn’t is this where I unload on her stomach and say good night?” Any wise lover would know that this is where you bust out the power positions. Try bracing your feet at the foot of the bed, and rocking back and forward rather then thrusting. Stimulating her clit with your shaft while penetrating her g-spot is a move that will require some practice young padowan.

! Minute Mark

At this point, your lady should be clawing at the sheets and clinching for the final orgasm. Don’t try anything new at this point, since changing your rhythm will likely bring her down a few steps. Keep your pace and penetration the same until she is left convulsing in orgasmic splendor. If you are a real Jedi, you will be able to pull out and bust load all over those big beautiful tits of hers.

The Madonna of Orgasm: Soon to be a Church

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010

Church ministers are usually the last people you would expect to praise orgasms at the podium. If you have ever been to a church where the sermon started off “And God said to Abraham, thou wilt spread thy seed all over her tits”, you were likely at the peak of your acid trip, screaming at an ice cream box on the street corner outside a Target. Well if you’re ready for the greatest mind fuck of your life, be prepared for the orgasm church in Sweden, something that is being proposed by a legitimate church minister.

In southern Sweden, Lovestad, a battle has been raging to properly register a faith community. Sweden’s Supreme Administrative Court has made the church a slippery fish to handle. The spanish founder and self appointed cardinal of the church, Carlos Bebeacua, has led a campaign for what he hopes will become the first church to praise orgasms as God.

Bebeacua once told tabloid Kvällsposten: “The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust, it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’”

The Madonna of Orgasm, which the church is appropriately called, was focused around painting by Bebeacua that had sparked controversy during the 1992 World Fair in Seville, Spain. Since then, he has committed himself to founding a worship for what he believes is the true god – orgasms.

His bold beliefs have been matched with thundering dick slaps from Sweden’s Financial and Adminstrative Services Agency who refuse to register his application for the church as a religion. The agency has allegedly said that the church’s name would offend Christians, since it was to unconventional and a clear reference to the Virgin Mary.

Bebeacua has garnered support from local Christian communities, including a Church of Sweden Parish priest who welcomed the unconventional religion. Bebeacua also commented that the word Madonna, is literally translated to “my lady” and does not reference the Virgin Mary.

The success of the church is still wavering as the administrative court has ruled its name offensive to religious groups, and to the general religious proposals allegedly commenting that they “cause offense not only in the broad groups of the population that have Christian roots, but also in society as a whole.”

Those of us who know a good fuck is the closest we’ve ever been to heavenly bliss would be happy to throw this guy a bone, even if all he wants to do is get it off.