You know what I love about sex tapes? Seeing your favorite celebrities (or ones you can’t stand but still wouldn’t mind seeing naked) doing the nasty. You know what I can’t stand about sex tapes…?

SOAP BOX OUT.

Sex is already awkward. And if you don’t agree then you watch too many romantic comedies. Sure, we all get our groove with a partner we’ve been with for 3 years but there is no such thing as a successful one night stand. The favorable memories are either what you’ve kidded yourself into thinking it was, what your drunk brain interpreted it as, or the story you concocted for your friends. So really, by its very nature, the sex tape can’t be that cool, sexy thing you hope for.

Take for example the case of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. Sure, she is (by most standards) “HOT.” And Tommy Lee indeed has a impaling mechanism that truly needs to be seen. But early on she makes it clear that she’s not comfortable with the camera and/or the idea of having their innermost intimate moments captured on film. THIS MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

The same can be said for Paris Hilton. And while honestly, there was a time when someone could’ve told me “Dude did you hear? Paris Hilton just fell off her hooker heels, onto a freeway onramp and got hit by 6 streetracers doing 90!” and I probably would have laughed and collected the money won from years of including her in a ‘Death Pool.’ But once again, she expressed a definite disinterest and apprehension at being recorded in her most vulnerable of states. AND THIS MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that these women were raped. Definitely not. Eventually they did what they usually do best and suckered up to the camera, both with dicks in and out of frame. I’m just realizing that unless the woman on tape is as into it as her male counterpart, the results are generally less than favorable.

Which leads me to former Playboy model and Hugh Hefner GF; Kendra Wilkinson. I have expressed very openly my disdain for this reality show attention whore. She drives me nuts. She has no talent. She has no social worth. She’s retarded. She’s NOT funny. And her laugh makes me want to kill someone. But she now joins the ranks of people I have seen have sex that MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE. And now I feel really sorry for her. But this is where my inner turmoil begins…

From what I understand, if the information I’ve collected is correct, Kendra originally tried to shop the tape herself about a year and a half ago. She’s obviously fine with it being out and, from what I’ve been told, really needed the cash money. Attempts to start a company to handle the sale and distribution were ultimately scrapped and the tape fell by the wayside, except for some release forms that were indeed signed. Flash forward, and the word on the street is that the fat, ugly, DAMN LUCKY, balding, redheaded-redneck who appears “alongside” Kendra, shopped the tape himself. Successfully.

The first thing that pissed me off is that we immediately got a SAD, SHOCKED, and AFRAID FOR HER MARRIAGE Kendra gracing the covers of magazines as far and wide as…well just very far and wide. The story line has since found its way onto her stupid reality show, which makes me throw up a little at each and every teaser ad on TV (YEAH. I watch a lot of E! Don’t judge).

But here’s the thing. This is all bigger than her. Bigger than E! Bigger than personal feelings of sloppy blondes who are ultimately “betrayed” by once trusted boyfriends and confidants. This shouldn’t be found sexy. This shouldn’t turn you on. I don’t really understand anyone who wouldn’t watch this sort of phenomenon and feel a little dirty inside and realize it’s actually not very fun after all. I remember the first time seeing a “Girls Gone Wild” video and immediately thinking there must be a shit-ton of pissed off fathers of drunk daughters, out there seeking revenge on Joe Francis. ESPECIALLY upon hearing that all they receive in return for their model release is a GGW t-shirt. AND “Boys Gone Wild” is even worse!! Sure, it’s entirely consensual, but it’s uncomfortable, and simply translates into gross feelings and the overwhelming need to take a shower (there are few things more awkward than watching some poor shlub do the helicopter and try to jerk his noodle dick while hearing the announcer girl laugh at him from behind the camera).

I’m sure there are those out there who feel differently, and to them I say ‘shame on you.’ Unless someone is expressly looking to be humiliated I don’t think that sort of thing has a place in the bedroom, and by association, our DVD players. Kendra isn’t scarred by her involvement in the tape, it’s been many years and she’s happy, married to a man who loves her, former Philadelphia Eagles receiver; Hank Baskett. But she may have forgotten how that felt in the moment. She had a controlling prick telling her what to do, ignoring her many requests to turn the camera off, zooming in at times after she’d persistently asked him not to. Unfortunately the release of this tape (and she DID ultimately get a cut of it’s profits – being paid an incredible $800k before the tape even hit the shelves) does nothing to help the idea of women empowering themselves through comfortable sexuality and nudity (if they so wish). Instead this is just another creepy attempt to titillate and stimulate the fucktards of the world who only see a naked body and gyrating genitalia. And while I too am a fan of both aforementioned visual perks, my pants are staying on for this one.

SOAP BOX IN.

The makers of “Heavy Rain” already hinted that the player would have the opportunity to play as a “hot topless girl,” but what they left out is that after a magical unlocking she can be completely naked! And yeah, I’ve seen it…it’s pretty ridiculous. First of all, just the fact that she’s completely naked…is totally hot. This is no Lara Croft naked…this is CGI perfect naked. And the way she walks around is pretty incredible. I don’t really know what purpose this serves as I think I would completely get lost in watching her ass instead of playing the game. Yeah, the ass is that good.

But this isn’t the first time that a bit of sexuality has been thrown into the mix. Oh heavens no. Back in the olden days a fancy little game called “Custer’s Revenge” appeared for the Atari 2600. “Bachelor Party” and “Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em” soon followed. Granted there’s not a whole lot that can come across visually with the limited Atari graphics, but try they did. I remember a “Friday the 13th” game coming out as well…to try the platforms hand at blood and gore, to little success.

With higher-rez game consoles came more attempts to stimulate! “Bubble Bath Babes” and “Peek-A-Boo Poker” were hits on the Nintendo (NES), while the “Welcome to Pia Carrot” series made a name for themselves on the Sega Saturn and Dreamcast.

Now there’s boobs everywhere. It’s very rare that you don’t see at least a bit of cleavage in a video game. Not only are there boobs, but now they can bounce!

If you get a chance to see this full frontal in Heavy Rain, do it. It’s worth it, even as a very buoyant sign of the times.

Honestly I’ve been thinking about it. And yeah I could go off on a mens’ rights to tits lambast but it doesn’t really matter. All the apps that were on the market, and yeah I played with a few, were pretty much bullshit. No one really took the leap and tried to push the porno envelope and so in the long run all we got were bikini babes and porn star apps. No sex. No nudity. There wasn’t anything that gave us PORN.

But Apple’s Safari browser is robust enough that any site that has a mobile compatible version, and anybody who doesn’t is either an idiot or working very hard right now to get one launched, usually works pretty well on the iPhone / iPod Touch etc.

So really…if you think about it…the greatest tool for acquiring free mobile internet porn is from Apple itself.

Take THAT ladies…

This “Caligula,” making broad exceptions as to distance itself as far away from the ‘Penthouse Films’ movie as possible, will star Joli as Caesonia, wife of Caligula, and portray the infamous last night of the manic Roman emperor’s life, resulting in his assassination at the hands of his own senate.

Apparently Joli’s been living in New York and working as a burlesque dancer at the performance venue “The Box.” Her dancing is what lead the production heads to invite her to audition where she originally tried out for the role as Drusilla, Caligula’s sister. Ultimately she was brought back and thankfully given the role that required the most nudity. A definite win win for the audience and performer (she says she is admittedly more comfortable in the nude).

The play is going to run from March 12th to April 3rd, and I couldn’t be more upset that this isn’t happening here on the west coast. I am a huge fan of, not only the Bob Guccione produced film, but of Roman History as well. The story of Caligula is one wrought with sin, disease, debaucherous perversities and, ultimately, betrayal. Adding a personal favorite, Justine Joli to the mix is just mean and cruel. To see this in a live theater would be a phenomenal experience, me thinks.

In case you’re wondering if Joli is the first porn star to cross-over her way into live theater, the answer would sadly be, no. Savanna Samson beat her to it and is also a very determined thespian.