When a sex tape starring Paris Hilton fucking then-boyfriend Rick Solomon (in night vision no less) was released in 2003, it caused a massive public relations stir. In fact, public interest in Paris’ sex tape was so high that it led to Hilton’s role in the FOX reality series The Simple Life, which aired for 3 seasons. Before the world saw her fucking on film, Paris Hilton was seen as a wanna-be actress – afterwards she was seen as a star.

The star-making effect of the Anderson and Hilton sex tapes led to a glut of D-list celebrities trying to capitalize within the genre, such as Dustin Diamond, Amy Fisher, Tonya Harding, Joanie “Chyna” Laurer, Vince Neil and Verne Troyer. While this is an unfortunate byproduct of the popularity of free porn, there were some quality videos produced – see the recent Kendra Wilkinson tape as a prime example.

Of all the sex tapes to gain popularity over the years, Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart’s is certainly the strangest. The tape depicts the couple engaged in a sexual situation with former Miss Teen USA contestant Kari Ann Peniche, however the tape is edited to obscure the exact nature of the encounter. What is clear is that all the participants are high – with Gayheart referencing cocaine – check it out if you can find it, it’s bizarre!

With the popularity of sex tapes at an all time high, it seems celebrities will do nearly anything to remain newsworthy in 2010. While we dream of who’ll let their sex life out for the world to see next, let’s kick back, relax and enjoy some porn from our old favorites. Paris, Pam, Kendra – away!

I think Keanu Reeves said it best in The Matrix, when he said, “Whoa!”

As in ‘Whoa, check out that ass!. Some pics released from the film show the barely legal Montana Fishburne showing off her booty, and I, for one, must give it a review of one cock up, way up.
‘
While some aspiring actresses get their inspiration from Meryl Strip, I mean Streep, Montana has been influenced by non other than role model for young sluts everywhere, Kim Kardashian, who rose to fame by being in a sex tape. It so happens the same company, Vivid Entertainment, that distributed the Kardashian sex-tragavana, as well as former Playboy playmate and Hugh Hefner’s ex Kendra Wilkinson’s infamous sex tape, is also handling the release of the Montana Fishburne video. So she’s in good company, you could say.

Montana has specifically said that Kardashian was her inspiration.

“I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape by Vivid,” Fishburne said in the press release.” I’m hoping the same magic will work for me. I’m impatient about getting well-known and having more opportunities and this seemed like a great way to get started on it.”

Her father, the oscar nominated actor Laurence Fishburne, probably wouldn’t mind having a word with Kardashian right about now.

Montana has not spoken to her father since news of the video was released, but says that she hears from relatives that her father is “upset.” Gee, you think he would have a sense of humor about seeing his teenage daughter show off her cock sucking skills to the world.

In response to her father’s potential reaction, Montana said “I hope it’s not hurting him. It wasn’t done to hurt him,” she says. “But I think it will take time and talking through the issues. Eventually, I hope he will be proud of me.”

Sorry to tell you this sweetheart, but you’re Dad is never going to say to his friends, ‘look at how well my little girl takes a cream pie, I’m so proud of her.’ Not in this reality anyway.

Hustler Video steals a little thunder from Vivid Entertainment today with the announcement that they have a 75 minute tape, shot as recently as this past September, that purportedly sports a bunch of romping with the hated reality star and an unnamed gentleman.

As an aside: the term “unnamed gentleman” really needs to be added to our current list of vocabulary words. And by added I mean, get USED TO IT folks. Seems that with every starlet who gets caught “off-guard” there’s a “unnamed gentleman” in the wings walking bow-legged because of all the cash stuffed into his boot cut jeans. And unlike the case of Kendra Wilkinson, I really wish they’d remain just that; UNNAMED.

In any case, there are a slew of photos circulating the interwebs showcasing the mother of two’s lovely attributes, and puts to rest the question of whether or not I’ll have to bitch about the release of this tape too. The pictures aint bad, admittedly. She seems to be an attractive enough MILF, with a sense of playfulness about her. Especially in the shots where she’s holding the camera (can’t say you didn’t want to do it, there Danielle). I’ve also seen the artwork so Hustler obviously has this on the fast track.

YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKS about all this? The more this shit happens, the less likely my wife (and the wives and girlfriends of you fine folks) is gonna be comfortable inviting Mr. Sony into the bedroom. I mean, I didn’t really expect it anyway…but it’s always been there in the back of the visual stimulator.

So thanx a lot Vivid and Hustler. You’re messing up my private stock.

You know what I love about sex tapes? Seeing your favorite celebrities (or ones you can’t stand but still wouldn’t mind seeing naked) doing the nasty. You know what I can’t stand about sex tapes…?

SOAP BOX OUT.

Sex is already awkward. And if you don’t agree then you watch too many romantic comedies. Sure, we all get our groove with a partner we’ve been with for 3 years but there is no such thing as a successful one night stand. The favorable memories are either what you’ve kidded yourself into thinking it was, what your drunk brain interpreted it as, or the story you concocted for your friends. So really, by its very nature, the sex tape can’t be that cool, sexy thing you hope for.

Take for example the case of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. Sure, she is (by most standards) “HOT.” And Tommy Lee indeed has a impaling mechanism that truly needs to be seen. But early on she makes it clear that she’s not comfortable with the camera and/or the idea of having their innermost intimate moments captured on film. THIS MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

The same can be said for Paris Hilton. And while honestly, there was a time when someone could’ve told me “Dude did you hear? Paris Hilton just fell off her hooker heels, onto a freeway onramp and got hit by 6 streetracers doing 90!” and I probably would have laughed and collected the money won from years of including her in a ‘Death Pool.’ But once again, she expressed a definite disinterest and apprehension at being recorded in her most vulnerable of states. AND THIS MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that these women were raped. Definitely not. Eventually they did what they usually do best and suckered up to the camera, both with dicks in and out of frame. I’m just realizing that unless the woman on tape is as into it as her male counterpart, the results are generally less than favorable.

Which leads me to former Playboy model and Hugh Hefner GF; Kendra Wilkinson. I have expressed very openly my disdain for this reality show attention whore. She drives me nuts. She has no talent. She has no social worth. She’s retarded. She’s NOT funny. And her laugh makes me want to kill someone. But she now joins the ranks of people I have seen have sex that MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE. And now I feel really sorry for her. But this is where my inner turmoil begins…

From what I understand, if the information I’ve collected is correct, Kendra originally tried to shop the tape herself about a year and a half ago. She’s obviously fine with it being out and, from what I’ve been told, really needed the cash money. Attempts to start a company to handle the sale and distribution were ultimately scrapped and the tape fell by the wayside, except for some release forms that were indeed signed. Flash forward, and the word on the street is that the fat, ugly, DAMN LUCKY, balding, redheaded-redneck who appears “alongside” Kendra, shopped the tape himself. Successfully.

The first thing that pissed me off is that we immediately got a SAD, SHOCKED, and AFRAID FOR HER MARRIAGE Kendra gracing the covers of magazines as far and wide as…well just very far and wide. The story line has since found its way onto her stupid reality show, which makes me throw up a little at each and every teaser ad on TV (YEAH. I watch a lot of E! Don’t judge).

But here’s the thing. This is all bigger than her. Bigger than E! Bigger than personal feelings of sloppy blondes who are ultimately “betrayed” by once trusted boyfriends and confidants. This shouldn’t be found sexy. This shouldn’t turn you on. I don’t really understand anyone who wouldn’t watch this sort of phenomenon and feel a little dirty inside and realize it’s actually not very fun after all. I remember the first time seeing a “Girls Gone Wild” video and immediately thinking there must be a shit-ton of pissed off fathers of drunk daughters, out there seeking revenge on Joe Francis. ESPECIALLY upon hearing that all they receive in return for their model release is a GGW t-shirt. AND “Boys Gone Wild” is even worse!! Sure, it’s entirely consensual, but it’s uncomfortable, and simply translates into gross feelings and the overwhelming need to take a shower (there are few things more awkward than watching some poor shlub do the helicopter and try to jerk his noodle dick while hearing the announcer girl laugh at him from behind the camera).

I’m sure there are those out there who feel differently, and to them I say ‘shame on you.’ Unless someone is expressly looking to be humiliated I don’t think that sort of thing has a place in the bedroom, and by association, our DVD players. Kendra isn’t scarred by her involvement in the tape, it’s been many years and she’s happy, married to a man who loves her, former Philadelphia Eagles receiver; Hank Baskett. But she may have forgotten how that felt in the moment. She had a controlling prick telling her what to do, ignoring her many requests to turn the camera off, zooming in at times after she’d persistently asked him not to. Unfortunately the release of this tape (and she DID ultimately get a cut of it’s profits – being paid an incredible $800k before the tape even hit the shelves) does nothing to help the idea of women empowering themselves through comfortable sexuality and nudity (if they so wish). Instead this is just another creepy attempt to titillate and stimulate the fucktards of the world who only see a naked body and gyrating genitalia. And while I too am a fan of both aforementioned visual perks, my pants are staying on for this one.

SOAP BOX IN.

Documents actually exist that layout the plans for Wilkinson to form a side company a year and a half ago, for the sole purpose of shopping the sex tape around to release it herself. It’s unclear whether or not that company includes her sports hubby Hank Baskett, who apparently is NOT distraught and on the verge of divorcing his new wife. Apparently the unnamed third party AND Vivid-head Steven Hirsch beat her to it, and she’s none to happy.

SUCKS TO BE YOU KENDRA. I now have no guilt whatsoever for what I wrote yesterday. Your manipulation of the system has backfired in your face. Good luck with that.

I will admit to being somewhat amused when she was a regular on the original incarnation of The Girls Next Door; the reality show that documented the lives of Hugh Hefner, Playboy overlord, and his 3 blonde haired, big-titted bedfellows. That show also featured Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt, both of whom have gone on to star in their own assortment of E! malaise. That line-up ended the fifth season with the 3 girls moving out of the Playboy mansion, easily the second most famous L.A. landmark next to the Hollywood sign.

Since then I haven’t given a rat’s ass about any of them. All of the things that made the girls endearing on The Girls Next Door became the very qualities that made us realize how dumb, stupid and annoying they really are. Harsh, yes. But you tell me that you can now listen to Kendra “laugh” without wanting to punch babies in the face.

Some people can be dumb and make you think how cute they are. Not Kendra. When the show featured the creation of her theme song by Play-N-Skillz and Too $hort and Kendra proceeds to explain how “old school” and “on top of their game” they are, I could only reflect upon my years working in a record store in the early 90′s when that statement was actually true.

ANYWAY, Vivid has located an intimate video with Kendra and a, as of yet unidentified, sex partner (it takes place before her meeting and marrying Philadelphia Eagles receiver Hank Baskett) made prior to her moving into the Playboy mansion. If you’ve seen the E! True Hollywood Story: Kendra Wilkinson you can probably surmise, as have I, that this will most likely take place during her admitted drug-fueled days. Which is sorta juicy.

“Kendra Exposed” will be distributed under the Vivid-Celeb imprint and Kendra will join such celebrities as Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, Kim Kardashian and Ray J, former Miss USA Kelli McCarty, Shauna Sand, Mindy McCready and others whose sex tapes have also been released by Vivid.

“The tape was brought to us by a third party and after consulting with our attorneys, we are confident in our right to distribute it.” says Vivid founder and co-chairman Steven Hirsch. If you have any doubt as to Steve’s legal rights you need look no further than this.

So bring it on! If she can shut her mouth long enough to provide simple eye candy for the voyeur in us all then I may be a willing participant.