When Conan O’brien joked about finding a job within the porn industry, Steven was there. When John Mayer ruminated about what his life long dream really was…Steven obliged. And now with word that Nadya Suleman, the piece of work known as “Octo-Mom,” can’t seem to raise her star-status head and shoulders above Kate Gosselin, here comes Steven to the rescue again!

Last week it was reported that Octo has never paid for her house. You know, every now and again i will get a phone call from, say, my car insurance company telling me “hey you kinda forgot to send us your insurance payment.” BUT THAT’S NOT A WHOLE HOUSE.

“Hello…? Ms. Suleman? Yeah, I don’t know if you remember this or not….BUT YOU BOUGHT A HOUSE….AND HAVEN’T PAID FOR IT. Sound familiar?”

Unbelievable. ANYWAY, so here comes Steven Hirsch to the rescue…porn contract in hand!

That’s right, this time he has agreed to pay off the balance of the house, a reported $460K, in exchange for one feature film. That’s a whole lotta scratch for even SIX sex scenes, if it came down to that, making her one of the highest paid first-timers in the history of adult film. But she has to make up her mind soon because the money is due about the same time this blog goes live. By the time you’re reading this…it’s too late.

As an aside I received a picture of the newly trimmed Nadya Suleman this morning, and while I detest the woman for trying to use her 12 kids to get herself famous, she has lost the weight…lost the waist…and kept the boobs.

Coincidence?

So who could blame Vivid on wanting a piece of the action?

Word around town is that Vivid founder and co-chairman Steven Hirsch has once again jumped at the chance to catch lightning in a bottle by sending Mayer a letter, offering him a chance to write and possibly direct an adult film. Say what?? I know!!

But this didn’t come out of left field. In true John Mayer spirit, he is quoted (in the very same Playboy article that got him in all that N-word trouble we’ve heard so much about) as saying that his “biggest dream is to write pornography.” Enter Hirsch, arguably the mayor of pornodome, population = everybody.

Don’t misread this article as being authored by someone who’s naive. I know he’s not going to do it. OF course he’s not going to do it. I was excited as hell at the prospect of Conan O’Brien doing a porn but I certainly didn’t believe it would ever happen. Don’t you just wish we’d get that kind of celebrity again though? One who just doesn’t give a fuck? Someone who’s too big to fall? So they could go on doing whatever the fuck they wanted? It would have to be a George Clooney meets Bono meets Screech from “Saved by the Bell.” (Yeah I know his real name, but I don’t want to have to put it in bold).

Rock on Vivid. It’s all a numbers game. Keep a healthy stack of those offer letters handy.

But that’s another story.

One of the punch lines in a Conan joke, made live on the air, and which centered on new possible career options was “…leave television altogether, and work in a classier business with better people, like hard core porn.” This is, in and of itself, very funny. Especially from the mainstream perspective, which has all roles in the industry being filled by greasy, oily, over-sexed, super slutty, hyper-coked-up, creepy type folk.

Well I just found out that Pink Visual’s Brand and Product Manager, Kim Kysa, sent off a business proposal letter to Conan at his former studio at NBC, that didn’t treat it as a punch line at all. Seems she begged and pleaded with him to take a position, ANY position, in the industry or with Pink Visual’s themselves, offering Conan a part in the gay porn entitled; “Pound Me I’m Irish.”

Now of course it comes as no surprise at all that Conan would rebuff such an offer, but it had to have been a funny moment, there in his office when he got this letter. I mean, who wouldn’t be able to sit back and take in the sweet sweet hilarity of such a situation. I would have done anything in my power to be a fly on the wall of that particular power meeting. Hats off Ms. Kysa, those were some awesome saucy balls.

All requests for comment have been denied and the full disclosure of the letter is no longer archived. Thanx also to AIN.

That’s some damn good shit.

I understand that Hollywood, and by Hollywood I’m referring to the royal “concept” of Hollywood, rather than the longitude and latitude of it’s borders, is all about self preservation. At its very core it is nothing more than a self perpetuating tool for fame, money, arranged marriages and drug overdoses. But every now and then there comes a situation that makes you think to yourself, “this is going to be different. This is going to bring back hope and faith in what is otherwise a city full of idiots and fame hungry zealots. Today…I am going to be pleasantly surprised.”

Well so much for that…

Jay Leno is a cunt. A big, fat, sloppy, hairy cunt of monsterous proportions. He and his shiny gold pussy lie to the public as he mocks the situation in his monologues, joke after joke that attempt to place him high up on the victim tree, only to grab Conan by the back of his wavy ginger locks and fuck him in the ass on the very desk he so gracefully stepped away from.

I’ll admit that this is a rather passionate reaction from someone who normally talks about internet porn, the adult film industry, porn stars and getting laid. But I’m only human. And regardless of how awesome tits and ass are, this is where my head is at, and dammit someone needs to do something about it.

I commend the wildly talented Conan O’Brien for his respect to the franchise, saying that if The Tonight Show were moved to the 12:05 slot (thus making it no longer ‘Tonight’), he would not take part in the program. His is a love for tradition, integrity and devotion for the people involved before him. That is class, my friends.

Leno, and his chin worthy of a thousand resting balls (you had to know there was a chin joke coming), is a slave to the mighty dollar, a whore to self indulgent Hollywood, and a bitch to the legacy of stardom. I would love to scream boycott but I honestly feel it will happen on its own. One day soon, NBC will look at their Conan-free Tonight Show and realize that their numbers are worse, their elderly contingency has returned, and that they GASP! were wrong. Until then I’ll stay tuned to TMZ, not NBC, for any true sense of entertainment.

Now that that’s off my chest I’m going to go back to playing quarters off the tits of my naked office assistant.