New wave fans remember Turning Japanese by one-hit wonders The Vapors. It was a tune all about a guy who had a picture of the object of his affection, but not the real thing. He even wished her doctor would take a picture of the inside bits. Anyway, the title of the song became a humorous and nervous-rock euphemism for jerking off.

Another favorite from the eighties is a tribute especially to female masturbation. According to singer Cyndi Lauper she does She Bop and so does everybody else… – men and women both; there’s a lot of women who simply can’t stop messing with their cilt.

Another great female masturbation scene happens in by Tori Amos. The main character in the song doesn’t just touch herself… she does it in a church, feverishly! Even mellow rocker Jackson Browne gave us Rosie on his 1977 album Running on Empty. The song was double entendre all the way through, and an ode to the palm-and-the-penis and the love affair they often have.

On the punk front, there is the classic Orgasm Addictby the Buzzcocks. The song would still fit on anyone’s iPod full of current aggressive rock. The Network were more of a send-up of punk and new wave bands, and were rumored to be made up of members of Green Day and Devo. Their songs are not only tongue-in-cheek, but also quite good. Right Hand-A-Rama is a fun tune all about spanking the ol’ monkey.

It is impossible to list all of the great songs about self-pleasuring. For this list, the granddaddy of all masturbation songs is by seminal rocker Mr. Chuck Berry. If he didn’t play with his Ding-A-Ling who knows if Prince would have ever seen Darling Nikki enjoying herself in that hotel lobby?

When trying to fist someone, plenty of lubrication and a lot of patience is the key to success. Most people have probably seen that when they’re fingering a woman, they can usually get four fingers in pretty easily. The most difficult part of fisting is to get past the widest part of the hand where the second knuckles are located. Remember though, it doesn’t have to happen all at once. Take it slowly, and plan to go a little further during the next session.

First, take plenty of time to get the lady warmed up. Her pussy will open naturally as she gets more aroused, so take whatever time is needed. Use lubricants liberally to avoid irritating her most sensitive spots. Rub her clit, get her aroused, and slowly start to finger her as she’s ready. Start with one finger, and slowly increase until there are four fingers inside her. Start off with the four fingers in a cone shape, and slowly spread the fingers so that the hand is palm up and all four fingers are side-by-side. Bringing her to orgasm will help because her pussy will naturally open even wider after an orgasm, and her natural juices will be flowing even more, ensuring that she’s continuously getting more lubricated. Once the hand is past the second set of knuckles, it’s often possible to get the rest of the hand in and make a fist. Turn the hand to the side, tucking the thumb in under the other fingers when making a closed fist. Pay a lot of attention to the lady to make sure that things aren’t going too fast or too hard.

I’ve been rather disappointed by the current state of holiday porn (“holiday.” That’s right, not Christmas, not Chanukah, not Kwanza . . . Holiday). It seems the best offer this season has for my meat-pounding wishes is the same ‘ole gym-buffed model-type, doing the usual pornographic posturing, but in red panties and a Santa hat. A Santa hat. It’s not even like the hat is getting fucked. Sometimes the diehard festive types leave the hat on for the initial blow job, but by the time the dude in the Santa suit (Yes. Always some dude in a Santa suit) gets to sodomizing our little Cunt Cringle in her fruit cake hole, that hat is long gone and buddies fake beard is laying on the floor. For all practical purposes we are now watching the same old porn we’ve seen a thousand times with one exception. There is a Santa hat on the floor.

When do I get to watch some dick hard clit jockey finger a snowman? Is that little dentist elf ever going to slowly unbutton his adorable wee blue waist coat and cobble himself to climax before the Bumble Snow Monster whips his hairy milk-white monster cock out and escorts a handful of misfit sex toys up his Yeti chute? Need I remind you that the snow monster had his teeth removed? Slut in a red bikini and a Santa Hat is fine, but maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t mind having a hot rub inside that toothless furry Monster face. Maybe I’d like to watch some herd mammal with a glowing red anus help the jolly old elf find more than his way.

Porn Mongers! Step it up! I want 8-way menorah penetrations. Gift-wrapping bondage. Icicle fucking. The Grinch that stole your Penicillin. Anal dradles. Charlie Brown with the smallest, least celebratory, withered little prick and a beagle in a leather flight helmet. Rabbis with gingerbread dildos riding polar bears and juggling buttock implants across a snow-laden field on their way to Grandma’s house for oven mitt HJ’s shot into candy-filled stockings.

One of the more clever things to emerge in the sex toy industry is the practice of making vibrators that look like something else entirely. It doesn’t have to look like a big, vibrating wand or a big black cock. Some are made to look like hairbrushes or other common household items. A vibrator that looks and feels like a lipstick could be the perfect little travel toy. It’s pointed “lipstick” end can produce surprisingly strong vibrations. Angled the right way with consistent pressure, a stealthy woman can count on hot orgasmic waves, maybe even while taking a short break from her busy day at work.

Egg-shaped vibes are relatively small and also good for clit stimulation. With somewhat of a broader surface area, they can roll over the clit and give some very intense stimulation. If it is the type with a strong and reliable cord, it can be inserted into the vagina for internal vibrations as well. This type of model comes in an array of shapes besides the egg. The vibrating shape and its cord terminate with a handy speed control unit that a woman can experiment with or give over to her partner for some surprising sensations.

Another development that is especially nice is the rise of vibrating toys in regular old drug stores. Sold as massagers, these fun things can look like small hand-held wands with round bulbs, giant jacks that look similar to non-vibrating professional massage tools, or a convenient array of other shapes. It is true that you could work on any of your tired muscles with these devices, but it seems that the advertising is done with a nudge and a wink. The companies are probably pretty sure which “muscle” might be getting the most intense workout.

If a woman prefers the feeling of insertion, there are still more vibes to be found. Penis-shaped vibrators don’t have to be huge. In fact, one can find them as small as that vibrating lipstick, and can move up in length and girth as desired.

“What am I going to do?” she said knowing she was wanted back in the judge’s chamber in twenty minutes.

She made J-street in five, flicked her cell on vibrate and managed into the big Macy’s on the corner.

Running (as best she could considering all the bouncing she was doing) Stella ran into the woman’s lingerie department where she met a smiling salesman thankfully as old as her forty-two years.

“Mishap at work?” the pretty black lady asked, obviously noticing Stella’s big right boob free and bouncing under her blouse while her left was high and supported.

“42dd?” lady asked and the woman turned from Stella for all of a minute then returned with a pretty white bra.

“Would you?” Stella tried rushing with the lady back to the tiny fitting rooms as her cell buzzed and nipple rubbed against her blouse.

“Do you find that at the end of the day your breasts are just dying to relax a little,” the lady asked when they entered the tiny room and closed the slatted door.

She helped Stella remove her blouse and extricated her from the broken big bra.

“Mmmmm, yes,” Stella replied. “My breasts always feel like they’re in prison until I can get my bra off.”

“Well they are quite magnificent,” the sales lady said facing her now topless customer.

What happen next stunned Stella so much that she just stood there like a statue.

“I’m big myself, 36 double dees, but yours really…” the lady said, reached out, took Stella’s breasts in her dark hands and began massaging them.

“I just love to do my nipples at the end of the day, don’t you?”

Stella’s head began to spin, as the twisting of her nipples sent an electric shock straight to her clit and she tried to stay standing.

When was she needed back in the judge’s chambers?.

“You should go back braless, you are firm enough,” the lady said. She then dipped her smiling face and licked Stella’s right nipple, the one that had been so hard and suffering, and then her left.

“Oh, God suck…suck,” Stella moaned as the woman did just that in the tiny room.

“You want to return the favor?” the lady asked coming off Stella.

She unbuttoned the front of her shirt, unhooked her front clasp bra and presented rosy nipples on her chocolate melons to her new customer.

Stella lean forward and began to suckle the woman against the mirror of the changing room.

“I got to…I got to get back,” she said lifting her mouth off the pretty saleslady. “Can I…?”

“This will fit you, maybe a little tight but no fear of it snapping,” the saleslady said, removed her bra and helped put it around Stella.

“Oh God it’s so tight, I…”

“Yes you can,” the black woman said. “It will remind you to come back here at five-thirty and get me.”

“My pussy is on fire, ya know?” Stella said as they walked out of the dressing room and the salesgirl buttoned up completely.

“So is mine,” she said. “Imagine if I lick your tits that good what I will do to your pussy?”

Stella left the store red faced but somewhat calmer then when she he had come in.

Damn she hadn’t even asked the salesgirl her name. Then again, she was wearing the woman’s bra, they were close now!

“Y-yes,” Bev gasped, pulling off the kiss. “Oh God!”

“We should…” Megan tried.

“W-what,” Bev moaned, “tell me, what should we do?”

“I think we should, we should, get down on the carpet and slide together until our clits touch?”

“Sweet fuck, why didn’t I think of that?” Bev moaned.

“Actually…” Megan said as they sat to Bev’s deep carpet and immediately joined sliding their vaginas together, scissoring their clits into direct contact.

“Yeah I guess it’s all my fault, huh?” Bev said feeling the instant electricity when her and Megan’s bald wet slits opened and squished pressing together.

Both girls lean back on their hands; Megan shaking her heavy 36 DD’s, Bev arching her own firm C cups, both girls pretty faces set firm and surprised.

How the two best friends had come to be in this spot at this time, doing this of all things, was a simple progression of friendship.

Megan had stopped over to declare her very last attempt and suspected now end of her on again/off again three years with Jimmy. The girls prided themselves on always being ready willing and more then able to be the literal ‘shoulder to cry on’ and this early evening had been no exception.

After sipping some of Bev’s deep red wine and some more commiserating, Megan cuddled up close to her friend and the warmth rose for the girls.

From patting Megan’s head to her shoulder and a quick kiss on her cheek, Bev had made the move she had always wanted to try on her busty best friend of fifteen years and before either girl knew it they kissing, cuddling and rubbing on Bev’s low couch. Tentative tickles and some dry humping then the two friends were ripping up shirts, flinging off shoes and giggling like high school girls making their first stabs at some backseat girl-on-girl groping. Tweaking hard nipples through sweaters, pushing the heels of palms on heated crotches-and all that kissing-the girls went from the rubbing, open-mouth slobbering and grinding to lying now naked facing one another on Bev’s carpet rubbing their cunts together.

Grinding their sloppy wet selves together, Megan gasped: “I …I.”

“Clit to clit,” Beverly groaned, “I-I’m gonna, I’m gonna…”

“Hold it, hold it,” Megan groaned as she herself knew that she wouldn’t be much longer in coming.

“To…together, together?” Bev cried.

“To…yes yes!” Megan said and pushed up into her friend as Bev held her position.

At that exact moment both girls’ nubby thick clits touched and both opened their eyes wide.

“Now!”

Both girls screamed, shuttered, clenched their little ass cheeks and came.

While Bev’s lurched out of control in an orgasmic explosion, Megan’s own pussy climax was just as monumental. Both women kept up the grinding for a full minute post flooding orgasm, fitting their vaginas together harder and harder until they collapsed.

Megan raised her head a minute later, smiled weakly and sighed: “Thank you, baby, I really need that.”

Beverly smiled back at her friend and agreed: ”Me too, me too.”

“I mean, I didn’t know I needed it, but…”

“I know,” Bev said and leaned over to kiss her friend again.

Once again the girls’ tongues met and they were soon rolling into each other again; the friends were ready to come again.

“Jimmy who?” Megan asked leaning back and chuckling.

“Exactly,” Bev said, squeezed her thighs together and reached for her best friend’s big tit.

“I’m Danielle Steele, but I didn’t order anything.”

“Well, it’s addressed to you. If you don’t want it I’ll just return it as undeliverable,” the short man answered.

“Uh, no, that’s all right, I’ll take it, where do I sign?”

After scribbling her initials in a box next to her name the young courier handed her the package and was off her porch back to his delivery van. Dani closed the door, returned to the den, sat down on her low couch and inspected the package.

The box was cube shaped, about six inches square with no return address of any kind on the outside wrapper. Tearing off the brown paper and quickly opening the box, Danielle reached in to find a pretty matching red panty-bra set. It was obviously silk and very expensive and when the tall brunette ran her fingers over the blood-red frilly lingerie she received an instant shiver from the contact of the smooth material on her finger. She poked around inside the box looking for a note or letter but found none.

“Must be some sort of give away,” Danielle mused, setting aside the dainty set and picking up her book again.

Sitting down at her dressing table ten minutes after her morning shower, Dani applied her makeup and gave her short haircut a couple of fast strokes with her brush. Stepping to her second dresser drawer, Dani realized that she could just as easily wear that bra and panty set that had been delivered yesterday.

Paddling naked into her living room, she picked up the panty and bra and slipped into them. Pulling the panties up her long legs Dani walked the high-cut panties on, tugging them up over her high round ass and literally snapping them up over her trim pubic mound.

“Mmmm perfect fit,” she thought, while slipping her arms through the straps of the silk bra. She adjusted her 36C’s in the soft cups and looked at her image in the mirror.

Driving the ten minutes to work Dani felt an odd sensation of heat: her big breasts seemed to be fuller, almost tingling; ‘down there’ it felt as if someone was tickling her thick clit. As she drove on the sensation grew stronger until at a stoplight Dani lifted her right hand to her left breast, gave herself a squeeze and the floodgates opened for her to shutter a quick climax, even before the light had changed.

At the office Dani walked through the usual “good mornings” “Can I get five minutes with you later boss?” and print-outs shoved in her wake.

As usual Mandy followed her boss into Dani’s big office, closed the door and sat down facing the big desk for her morning instructions.

“Look what came special delivery yesterday,” the older woman said facing her assistant. Dani lean at the edge of her desk, faced Mandy and pulled her blouse up and the front of her skirt down.

“Very nice,” the younger woman said looking up at her boss’s red face spying what she could of the lacy red bra and the front of the panty.

“I think so too,” Dani standing up from her desk.

Mandy’s boss walked to and made sure her office door was locked then stood in the middle of the room…and began to undress! “I have no idea who sent them, but ever since putting them on I have been so so hot!”

The two women had been through plenty in Danielle’s rise up the corporate ladder, in fact at one time they had even, for a period of a month, enjoyed a brief affair. Mandy wasn’t as shocked by seeing her boss in just bra and panties-and the tall woman did have a fantastic body, that’s for sure-but she wasn’t really sure what Dani wanted from her now.

“I’m orgasm ing right now,” Dani said standing there and both ladies gazed down at her red-covered crotch.

“I guess I’m canceling your ten o’clock,” Many said standing to walk over to her boss.

“Girl, you’re canceling my entire morning,” the taller woman said. “Now come here and kiss me.”

Looking for something really special to do? Then jump on a plane this heartsday and check out a bonerfide Detroit Valentines staple: The Dirty Show!

Celebrating its 10th year, this erotic arts exhibition will take place February 12 – 20th at Bert’s Warehouse Theater in Detroit, Michigan. Already recognized as the largest of its kind, the show’s mission is to promote, publish and propagate erotic art in all forms. And promote it does. Want to smoke from a vagina pipe? See Clive Barker’s other fetishistic side? Count nipples? It’s all there, dressed up in slick latex or dressed down to nearly nothing at all.

In fact, the only problem with the show is that it’s so much fun watching people, you might just miss it! Where else will you find the biggest collection of pervs a populated metropolis can offer? The Dirty Show!

So screw the fancy restaurant. Get your tickets and book the flight.