I was awakened this morning by heavy breathing. This was not your run of the mill snoring, this sound was akin to the noises an asthmatic pug emits after being walked. Not quite wheezing, not quite gasping for air, not quite human. I don’t even know if pug’s can have asthma but my friend has one and it’s always short of breath. Anyway, there was a noise coming from the other side of the bed and at first I just lay there mentally readying myself to face whatever poor asthmatic soul was sharing my bed. I tried to piece together the evening through a throbbing headache (I consumed a lot of liquor last night, probably on the same level as Keith Richards’ circa 1974). There was a blonde. She was flirting with me. She may have been one of the strippers. She had these XXX pasties on that shook when she danced. Yes! That’s the girl who’s beside me. I smiled and rolled over.

And then I screamed. It was not my proudest moment. My mother raised me well, or at least I thought she did until I screamed at a woman. You’re not supposed to do that. In my defense she wasn’t like the chicks I usually get busy with. I’m not shallow, I don’t always go for the airbrushed porno beauty like Avy Scott. I go for the babes that make me laugh and have big tits (okay, that’s a little shallow). Well, this chick had bit tits all right. She also had a giant fupa (fat upper pussy area), cankles and about 200 pounds on me. After hearing my bloodcurdling scream, the rhino stirred and slowly opened her eyes.

“Morning,” she grunted with a voice that can only be described as belonging to a professional cigarette smoker or Courtney Love.

“Did we?” I asked uncertainly.

“Fucking right we did!” She barked and looked at me playfully.

I ran to the bathroom to throw up. Again, not my proudest moment but this girl was unreal. Not only was she the largest woman I’d ever seen, she was also the most unattractive. My beer goggles must’ve been on in full force last night because there’s no way I’d have gotten busy with a chick like that under normal circumstances. I sent a group text to my entire crew demanding to know who let me go home with Pizza the Hut. I got mostly “LOL” and “HAHAHA SUCK IT BRO” responses until finally, I get this gem from Dumb-fries: “The linebacker you fucked is_____’s sister”. I don’t want to mention who this beastly woman is related to because he’s kind of been a hero of mine but let’s just say that he’s famous and makes action movies.

The moral of this story: Don’t drink everything that’s put in front of you at a bachelor party because you’ll end up having XXX porno sex with a hippo.

Ps, she’s still here. I can’t get her out of my bed. I’m in the living room now furiously typing out  this blog and she’s wheezing. FML.

Everyone should try to fuck like a porn star. Imagine how great our sex lives would be if we put that much effort and enthusiasm into sex with our partners. It doesn’t matter what we look like, how old we are or what size pants we wear. Our partners are with us regardless of all of those things, so there is no sense wasting time or energy worrying about things that don’t really matter. So check out this video of porn star Avy Scott and try fucking like that!

Being sexy has a lot to do with being confident and feeling sexy. When we feel sexy, we give off a sexy vibe that is picked up subconsciously by our partner or potential partners, and that makes them perceive us as sexy. It isn’t a requirement for people to look like an underwear model in order to be perceived as sexy. With that in mind, people should take the time to make sure they feel sexy. Wearing clothes and underwear that make them feel sexy will help to boost confidence. When a guy wears something that makes him feel as though he looks like a stud, he’ll exude that studly attitude and confidence. When a woman wears something that makes her feel like a supermodel, she’ll walk and talk and act with the confidence and sexiness of a supermodel and guys will sense that. Taking it one step further, when we want to feel sexy, we can dress and think and act sexy. When we want to have the best sex ever, we can see ourselves as the porn star that we want to be, and we can think, act and fuck like a porn star.

Being sexy and having porn star sex is nearly always all in our heads. We can have hot, porn quality sex every night of the week if we feel sexy and act sexy and decide that we’re going to have porn star sex. The power of positive thinking is an amazing thing that we can all harness anytime we want.