Posts Tagged ‘ass’

Shaving The Beaver

Monday, February 14th, 2011

Shaving your girlfriend’s pubes can be an experience more gratifying than stumbling across a quality free porn site. However, going about this ancient skill requires confidence and a certain know-how that not every man is blessed with. Failure to perform this correctly could result in something I like to call (UPC) – that’s short for unfounded pussy complex. Doing it correctly on the other hand, will ensure that your ladie’s vag is trimmed to your exact specifications and that sex will be that much hotter. Read on for a breakdown :

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Required Prep-Work - First things first, do not just jump into it and casually ask if you can shave her beaver. That is relationship suicide. She will either think you’re a total pervert with some weird pube fetish or she’ll take it an insult that her vag is too bushy. Start by complimenting it with words like: sexy, pretty and delicious. Calling it a “pretty fish taco” won’t do. You can then proceed to give her enough oral sex to prove just how into her you really are.

Suggest By Example – One of the best ways to get your girl comfortable with the idea of a bare beaver is by displaying your neatly trimmed package in all its glory. After all, you can’t expect her to fall into you shenanigans if you can’t even handle your own bush. Once that’s taken care of, bring up your newly trimmed nut-scruff and try to get her opinion on it. Ask her if it made sex feel any better and if you should stick to that “hairstyle” from now on. This talk will eventually lead her into asking you about her own bush, in which case you finally suggest playing barber.

Time To Party – Now that you’ve gotten her ready to slip into the shower or bathtub, it’s time to make your move. Make sure to keep a razor around so you don’t have to casually leave to go grab one (new blade, preferably). That would just look sad. Now, have her sit with her ass between your thighs and proceed to apply plenty of shaving cream. As for direction, always go for grain down. You don’t want to end up cutting her lady bits.

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Don’t Go Fishing

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

There is something to be said for women leading men on. Most women are aware-most of the time-how they are dressing or acting and that they are turning attention to themselves with their sexuality (some at free porn levels). There isn’t an adult woman alive who doesn’t realize how she affects men with her tits bouncing, her hips swaying and her ass jiggling. And if a girl is too young to realize what she is doing and how she looks doing it, then her parents should be on her prepubescent booty to cut it out but quick!

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If one does not wish to get one’s worm bitten one should not dangle it off a hook in a school of hungry fish.

The same is true for going on-line trolling for dates. If one joins a dating site, puts up a profile pic or even turns their status on their Facebook wall to single then one must expect some interest. Hetero women are prey to most a hetero guy, even lesbians and as such they must know the rules of the game: that if they put it-and it can be a million and one things from a smile to a bulging cleavage- out there, like ol’ Kevin Costner building his dreamt-of field in Iowa, men will come and cum hard if they can!

Sure, men could learn to temper their cocks a bit. They could begin to realize that there is a flesh-and blood human being underneath the short skirt and make-up but truly men are not smart enough to take those leaps of consideration when they suddenly have an erection. As much as men need to learn that women are living breathing creatures with minds and emotions as well as pussies they can plunder, women have to learn that men are often only bodies controlled by the emotions of their cocks. Once again, one must know well into what waters one dives.

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Of course to a greater or lesser degree, each man will be turned-on to different things. What to one guy sees as a short skirt another man will not think short enough and not even turn his head. Guys with fetishes will spin their wheels on the most mundane flips of material or the most innocuous explore of a body part-like an upturned ankle-no woman could ever defend herself from their interests.

By and large women are put upon way too much because of their sexuality, but they should realize even the potential of affect they are having and be responsible in shark infected waters when baiting their hook.

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The Sexiest Female Comedians

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

When I stop to think about female comedians, the last thing that comes into mind is ‘sex appeal’. Perhaps that’s just me being an ass, but the majority of them are always slightly overweight and far from feminine. While I’m not expecting some blonde porn -esque bimbo, a little makeup certainly wouldn’t hurt anyone. And so, on my quest to find some good-looking ladies with a funny bone, I decided to do a little research and will now have to eat my words. Not only are there plenty of sexy ladies in comedy, but narrowing it down to a short list was a bit of a challenge. Read on for my personal picks.

Jan. 25 - The Sexiest Female Comedians

Abby Elliot – Leave it up to SNL to find a new cast members that can attract viewers with both humor and good looks. Having just recently joined the SNL team, Elliott is only 23 years old and already holds an impressive resume. Her father is also none other than Chris Elliott, who was cast in SNL from 1994-1995. But if you think that she used that as an ‘in’, think again. By watching any of her skits it’s clear to see that behind all that sex appeal is a great sense of humor.

Anna Faris – After her breakthrough role in the horror film parody Scary Movie, Faris has become something of a regular in the world of comedy. Never one to shy away from the fact that she is smoking hot, she’s been in everything from the critically acclaimed Lost in Translation to the cheesy flick The House Bunny.

Tina Fey – Who could forget about the sexiest version of Sarah Palin the world has ever seen? Smart, witty and understatedly sexy, Tine Fey has become one of the most memorable SNL cast members and continues to make us laugh with movies like Date Night and her award-winning show 30 Rock.

Amanda Bynes – As a child actor, Amanda Bynes charmed us all during her Nickelodeon stint and roles in All That and The Amanda Show. As she grew up, she starred in What I Like About You and subsequently moved on to the big screen in Hairspray and Easy A. Not only is she incredibly funny, but she was voted as Teen People’s “25 Hottest Stars Under 25″.

Targeting Premature Ejaculation

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

Whether you can’t even bring yourself to finish your favorite porno or your known as a one-minute-man, premature ejaculation can be a real pain in the ass. While Viagra can help you prolong your erection, it wont necessarily help when anticipated orgasms are concerned. As an attempt to extend your performance in the bedroom, read on for a list of tips on how to last longer and leave your partner smiling and satisfied.

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1. Acknowledge The Problem – One of the first steps in dealing with premature ejaculation is acknowledging the problem in the first place. In 2009, a medical conference in Paris defined premature ejaculation as the result of men who can’t last more than one to three minutes of sex before climaxing. This parameter was defined due to pressure from the pharmaceutical industry, which required an objective criteria in order to come out with medication targeting the problem at hand. As for the medical criteria, it is far less specific. Most doctors claim that anyone who can’t bring themselves to last as long as they’d want to is already suffering from premature ejaculation, so take that for all its worth.

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2. The Usual Suspects – Despite doctors not having a concrete explanation for what causes premature ejaculation, studies lead them to believe that it has something to do with a man’s genetic build. Research indicates that the center of an orgasm, located in the brain, is far more sensitive in those suffering from premature ejaculation – making them ‘be over and done with’ a lot faster. But despite some men showing signs of a “sensitive spot” on the brain, that doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t be able to last longer than their effected counterparts.

3. A Means Of Defense – Most men will tell you that at some point or another, try as they might, they can’t get a woman to orgasm. When that happens, they might be inclined to simply bring themselves to cum and call it a day. As a result, the woman will complain and think that her partner is not giving it his all. The next time around, the same thing is bound to happen. Women will blame men for their own lack of orgasm and if they’re already predispositioned to premature ejaculation, this is bound to further enhance his problem. So remember, before turning to a doctor, consider the possibility that your sex partner could have something to do with it.

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The Queen’’s Pussy

Monday, January 10th, 2011

carmel_moore1A strong conservative voice in the current UK government is pushing for all porn to be blocked on all computers in England. Because of the advent of web TV’s in England, UK companies like Virgin Media can and do stream all manner of content to household computers and in a household where there are children present then there is the possibility of the little one’s viewing tits and ass. While adult business maintain an ever vigilant policy in policing-with Netnanny and programs of that ilk-the tech experts claim that any plan for outside country-wide regulation is bound to stumble across some privacy issues as well as question of censorship.

First of all, in order to establish a nationwide ban on porn streaming across the net, the government, or the IPS at the very least, would need to keep an up-to-date list of porn operators. And a move by any government to stop content might provide a backdoor for that government to restrict access to legit sites down the line if critics find even the most benign content objectional.
A true slippery slope of one man’s poison could begin.

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Then there is the bottom line. Porn on the net is a big business, bringing in tons of dollars. To halt all this commerce from viewing fucking and sucking money will be needed to put protocols in place. What specific technology would be used and who exactly would be footing the bill for it, not to mention how people would feel about putting their names on a list are slight stumbling blocks to say the least.

This is not the first time porn has been scrutinized and with the ever-increasing viewing of cam girls, pay membership sites, fetish chatrooms, naughty still galleries and streaming video, the Internet is taking the place of the corner candy store for ground zero where people can buy and/or picket porn. Ease in access allows an ever more vociferous attack and the UK is having the same problems as most other civilized countries. But seeing as people are basically walking around the droid phones and PDA’s that are their portable computer, would this mean further government intrusion to someday manipulate what one holds in one’s pocket? And if the free flow of content, not just porn is controlled, what does that say to the idea of it being free?

Tits Needed

Saturday, January 1st, 2011

It’s a simple equation that if a human being begins to loose weight, in a healthy manner, they will loose fat. And breast tissue is fat. A woman begins to loose weight; she will loose some size in her boobs. If she is dieting and exercising correctly, she will see better proportion and good health. If she decides too loose too much weight, does not exercise, she will see sagging and stretch marks.

This is the bane of the modern Hollywood actress.

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Somewhere along the line the paradigm shifted from the voluptuous hourglass figure of a woman with wide hips and ample tits to skinny girls starving themselves to a danger point. Somewhere along the line dangerously skinny women were considered beautiful by Hollywood standards and actresses followed suit to the model of what they thought they must look like. Ignoring the fact that they were-are-putting their health in danger, these ladies continue to lose too much weight, lose their natural form, put themselves in jeopardy and counter the ravages of the new look-even if they were unaware they are doing so-through augmentation surgery, Botox shots, nips and tucks.

Buying ever-larger breast implants a woman can theoretically loose as much weight as she wants and still keep her bust line. In effect a cart-after-the-horse approach, a woman loses weight and her boob flesh fat but then hires a doctor to replace just specifics of what she lost! Not just porn performers and strippers but now the modern day actress, and the countless women influenced by her, has a cut stomach, no hips-certainly no round ass and two ice cream scoops for tits and a drawn face.

The modern day beauty is a self-made modern-day Frankenstein of unnaturally large boobs, hairless cunts, permanent make-up and even bleached assholes.

Human beings are the only animals who can alter their environment to suit their needs. In doing so many would argue we have done more harm then good to that environment. Now we have become the only animal that can alter our appearance to our specifications with a hubris that defies logic and one’s own health. Our own bodies will tell us when we have gone too far in our passions, when we eat too much we will gain weight, starve ourselves we take on the pallor and stick-and-bones appearance of the emaciated. But these days women or every social stratum can ignore the evidence of their eyes, buy body parts and pieces, or at least fantasize about doing so, to ignore the obvious risks they are taking to their health.

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Groupies

Friday, December 31st, 2010

A term coined by a British journalist in the 50′s, the word groupie is now synonymous with backstage female hanger-on’s who ply band members, athletes, theatre actors or even comedians with sexual favors post-show. Almost always one hundred percent female-though there are certainly gay men who will ply a famous singer or hockey player with a blow job-the girls who service the boys-in-the-band or the sports star in the back of the bus, are almost always young comely creatures dressed to reveal their ample charms and wily ways. Famed in song and story, infamous in legend and on the local landscape, groupies have been part of the live performance scene, no matter what the performance is, for as long as anyone can recall.

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It was in the 60′s though, with the meteoric popularity of rock and roll when groupies began to gain notoriety of not actual celebrity above and beyond the specific medium they played in. Because of the mercurial nature of isolated rock stars, often thousands of miles from home, women providing these rock gods who with a meal, a possibility of clean laundry and a soft willing pussy for the night suddenly began to be able to demand their price. And their price would include drugs, clothes and jewelry; unlimited travel to and from the gigs where their boyfriend was coming to and fro from; and most importantly spending time with popular musician and having his attention in and out of bed. Being a consort of the king, even if there was more then one king any given week jetting through Los Angeles, De Moines or New York City, these women held an exalted position even if it was transitory.

This was also before the time of HIV and other dangerous STD’s so rampant today. If a woman was taking her birth control pills, then truly there wasn’t much to worry about with casual sexual contact other then a passing around a case of VD, easily cured with some penicillin injections. A Hedonistic lifestyle, a constant party and orgies of paralleled size and indulgence was the girl’s life as long as she could sustain her libido or keep her musician happy for as long a she stayed in her town. Competition fierce, with ass, tits and cunts being thrown at him in a never-ending barrage of pink firm parts, the rock gentry had his pick of whichever groupie took his fancy.

These days the scene has much quieted. The ravages of time have seen groupies married or retired, or both. Rock stars are either too old to partake in such running around are married or not touring any longer and whole new generation of musician, sports star and the women who want them have replaced the older generation.

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Getting Through The Holidays

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

Considering that the average cover charge for a New Year’s party hovers around the $100 mark; it sure tends to leaves many disappointed and urging to get home to their free porn. After all, with dozens of couples flaunting their blissful selves around us lonely folk, it’s not wonder so many of us get depressed and curse love in all its glory.

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And so, for those who find themselves single in wake of the new year, follow these three simple – and brutally honest – tips:

1. Play The Role Of Grinch – Whoever started the tradition of kissing on New Year’s Eve deserves to be shot. Ok, maybe not shot, but a kick to the balls (or box) wouldn’t hurt. It seems as thought not having a significant-other to smooch you at the stroke of midnight is serious enough to classify you as a sore, lonely loser – but things don’t necessarily have to go that way. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, proceed to make all of your ‘coupled’ friends feel like crap by flaunting your single status for all it’s worth. Discretely remind them that while they simply must attend that boring pot-luck party, you’re free to hang out in your boxers and get wasted by the fire while watching South Park re-runs. Even if they don’t look impressed, deep, deep down they’ll envy your freedom. The result? Single “loser” 1, boring couple, 0.

2. Do Whatever The Hell You Want – While on the subject of staying in, be sure to do whatever you please on the last night of the year. If you want to venture the great outdoors and get smashed at a watering hole, then by all means. Sex with a random stranger? Go for it! Provided you use protection, of course. Alternately, don’t feel guilty if all you want to do is sit by TV eating a whole bag of chips. One day, you’ll eventually look back and realize that what others may have perceived as “pathetic”, was actually the ultimate act of freedom.

3. Have The Time Of Your Life – If you do decided to venture outside and hit a bar or club, make sure to go all out. What better way to ring in the new year than to get absolutely sloshed at some dingy watering hole? Plus, it will provide you with plenty of opportunity to meet other singles who, just like you, made an effort to show some face. So go out there, dance your ass off, get naked, and make a total fool out of yourself for once. Eventually, you’ll have a woman who is set on telling you what to do – so enjoy being single while you still can.

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Pickup Lines: Hip Hop Style

Thursday, December 16th, 2010

Although rappers and hip hop artists pride themselves in their ability to “fuck hoe’s and bitches”, I’d like to see how well they’d do in the real world. In fact, I’m sure that upon murmuring the first “hoe” out of their mouths, they’d be in for a slap on the face or a kick in the balls. But since they tend to treat their women likes the ladies in free porn, these “gangsters” are only scoring due to their popularity and hefty bank accounts. That’s right. I said it. Below, we’ll cover some of the most ridiculous pick-up lines in the world of rap and hip hop. While they may sound good alongside a catchy beat, applying them to reality will bring you nothing but harm.

Dec. 15 - Pickup Lines- Hip Hop Style

‘Baby Got Back’ by Sir Mix-A-Lot – While it would be next to impossible to find someone who can’t sing this entire song by heart, its lyrics certainly make us wonder why – and how – that is possible. Stating that his “anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns, hun” is not only degrading to women, but quite cocky of him to say – pun totally intended. Sir Mix-A-Lot better be packing a lot of heat after making such a bold claim.

‘Back That Ass Up’ by Juvenille – I’ll start this one off by saying that nobody, under any circumstances, should ever use the following as a pick-up line: “Girl, you looks good, won’t you back that ass up? You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up?”. Not only will she tell you to work on your grammar but you’ll probably get a well-deserved beating.

‘Whisper’ by Yin Yang Twins – What is it about rappers and the female ass? In this instance, the Yin Yang twins made the object of their desire as clear as day with the line, “You got a sexy ass body and your ass look soft. Mind if I touch it and see if it’s soft? Naw, I’m jus plain’ less you say that I can”. Way to use the word “soft” twice, utilize poor grammar (what else is new?) and sound like a total pervert in the process. Bravo!

‘Fresh Pair of Panties On’ by Snoop Dog – Leave it up to the great ‘Snoop D.O. Double G’ to be as blunt as possible in his advances. Probably one of my favorite lines of all time, he goes on to say: “‘It’s time to slow it down, steadily grindin’ and this is, the big Doggy Dogg/And I ain’t talkin’ about no Air Force Ones/ I just gotta know, before you let me get some…Do you have a fresh pair of panties on?”. Ah yes, nothing like asking a stranger if she has “fresh panties” on. You’re the man, Snoop.

Sex In Video Games

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

Dec. 14 - Sex In Video GamesIt’s no news that sex and video games are now walking hand in hand. After all, what better way to attract young – and old – men then by combining gaming and sex in one lovely package?It eventually even leave free porn hanging on for dear life.

However, adding sex to play is no easy feat for video game developers. Often faced with the challenge of keeping things ‘kid-friendly’, many production companies now find themselves hovering over a thin line of appropriateness. Below, we’ll cover some of the titles that managed to pull this off. Though not entirely politically correct, the following games have set the tone of what’s to come in the future of sex in video games.

1. Bayonetta – This action game features everything men love about women – minus the actual sex. However, it’s the games ability to be incredibly sexual without showcasing sex that makes it so appealing. Focused around a sinfully attractive witch with a thirst for blood and revenge, Bayonetta fits the bill of ‘sexy’ in more ways that one. If anything, her skin tight black latex suit and killer ass should be enough to keep you entertained.

2. Fallout: New Vegas – If what you want is full-on sexual content, then look no further than Fallout: New Vegas. Allowing you to do everything from stealing a man’s spouse to seducing strangers, the focal point is even more lewd – trying to lure mutants and humans into prostitution. Call it sci-fi pimping if you will, but Fallout is the closest you’ll ever get to having sex with a robot.

3. Mass Effect 2 – Taking place on a spaceship and satisfying every sci-fi aficionado, one of the best parts of the game involves a sex scene between the captain and his fellow partner. And for those who enjoy a bit of sexual gruesomeness, Samara – an asari Justicar – actually kills her victims by incinerating their insides through intercourse. Let’s just be glad that doesn’t happen in real life.

4. Heavy Rain – This interactive fictional game manages to cross the line by featuring a insinuative rape scene where you can undo the victims bra, forcefully kiss her and even change sexual positions. While I don’t exactly agree to such drastic measures, this depiction is a perfect example of how sex can impact the world of video games. Even in poor light.