Archive for the ‘Masturbation’ Category

Songs About Masturbation

Sunday, January 23rd, 2011

It’s always fun to try to enumerate all the cultural references you can find about one of your favorite pastimes. Plenty of people count jerking off to free porn among their favorite things to do, so let’s take a look at a least a few of the popular songs that mention the activity that has been called waxing the missile, petting the cat, and firing the Surgeon General.”

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New wave fans remember Turning Japanese by one-hit wonders The Vapors. It was a tune all about a guy who had a picture of the object of his affection, but not the real thing. He even wished her doctor would take a picture of the inside bits. Anyway, the title of the song became a humorous and nervous-rock euphemism for jerking off.

Another favorite from the eighties is a tribute especially to female masturbation. According to singer Cyndi Lauper she does She Bop and so does everybody else… – men and women both; there’s a lot of women who simply can’t stop messing with their cilt.

Another great female masturbation scene happens in by Tori Amos. The main character in the song doesn’t just touch herself… she does it in a church, feverishly! Even mellow rocker Jackson Browne gave us Rosie on his 1977 album Running on Empty. The song was double entendre all the way through, and an ode to the palm-and-the-penis and the love affair they often have.

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On the punk front, there is the classic Orgasm Addictby the Buzzcocks. The song would still fit on anyone’s iPod full of current aggressive rock. The Network were more of a send-up of punk and new wave bands, and were rumored to be made up of members of Green Day and Devo. Their songs are not only tongue-in-cheek, but also quite good. Right Hand-A-Rama is a fun tune all about spanking the ol’ monkey.

It is impossible to list all of the great songs about self-pleasuring. For this list, the granddaddy of all masturbation songs is by seminal rocker Mr. Chuck Berry. If he didn’t play with his Ding-A-Ling who knows if Prince would have ever seen Darling Nikki enjoying herself in that hotel lobby?

Blame It On Tabasco

Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

If you’ve ever needed a good excuse to jack off in public without the assistance of free porn, well here it is: Tabasco sauce. Peculiar, I know – but allow me to explain: Rafael Escamilla, a 50 year-old Florida native was on board a flight to Idaho when he had the bright idea of whipping our his package for a bit of fowl play. Unsurprisingly enough, the poor 17 year-old girl next to him caught sight of his lack of shame and immediately reported him to a flight attendant. Upon landing Escamilla was immediately apprehended by authorities. However, he instead that the entire ordeal was nothing but a huge misunderstanding. According to him, he was fondling his Johnson not as a means of inducing an orgasm, but he claimed to have spilled Tabasco sauce of his package; which made it burn. Clever.

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Now, before I knock this story off as complete and utter rubbish, I can’t help but wonder what would actually happen if I actually got Tabasco on my poor willy. Sure, wipping out my dick in public sounds rather drastic, but until I get hot sauce all over it, how do I know it’s not a matter or life or death? Alright, perhaps I’m exaggerating a little.

Upon further inspection, turns out good ol’ Escamilla didn’t have a single trace of hot sauce of his member. Nor was he carrying a bottle of Tabasco with him – and we all know that’s not part of standard inflight meals. If you ask me, I think the guy was yet another pervert who sat down next to a pretty girl and simply couldn’t contain himself. Tabasco sauce my ass. Any man who thinks it’s ‘ok’ to expose himself mid-flight – in front of a minor nonetheless – deserves to be locked up and kept far, far away from society.

And for those who are curious about what would actually happen if one was to sprinkle his penis with Tabasco, take this little excerpt I found online. It should tell you everything you need to know before attempting to try it out for yourself: “Initially there was nothing, until slowly a pain started. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to release a fresh batch of tears”. And this is coming from some guy who’s into S&M, so take it for all it’s worth.

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The 5 Most Sinful Sex Tricks

Thursday, December 23rd, 2010

Dec 22 orgasm.com1Ain’t it the truth; we all want to be the best lover we can be. The one who stands out from the crowd. The one who keeps her coming back for more. The one who gets her to cum again and again.

We’ve all seen these kind of studs in free porn, but let’s be real, that shit isn’t how it goes down in real life. So, if you want to come as close as possible to what these guys can do, then you need to follow the five most sinful sex tricks.

1. If you know that your partner is a bit of an exhibitionist, stand her in front of a full length mirror. Then stand behind her and begin to seduce her. Kiss her all over from you neck to her tits and then eventually remove all of her clothing. Bring her to orgasm with your hands and all the while she’ll get to watch as your pleasure her and you will also get to see exactly what she looks like when turned on.

2. For all you guys who didn’t know, there is a patch of sensitive skin at the inner end of the vagina called the anterior fornix aka A-spot. When you rub this part of her is produces the most lube for the vagina. It can be found just above the cervix. Find this spot by putting one lubed finger into her as far as it will go. Keep yourself relaxed and run gently. Use your finger to explore the from wall and when you hit the spot she’ll get wet.

3. We all have our drawers of sex toys, but I want you to create a “naughty box” in your bedroom. You and your partner should write down some out of the ordinary sexual requests.

4. If you only have a large vibrator and you want to stimulate her clit, then you want to get something hard, long and narrow.  and hold it loosely in your hand with the tip against the part you want to stimulate.

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5. Guys, listen up! The clitoris is larger than you probably think. It’s essentially a set of nerve endings but only the tip is visible. The rest is hidden beneath the surface. To stimulate, you should use the V technique. Use your index and middle fingers to from a V and then slide them on either side of the clitoris. Your fingers should be pointed downward and you can use your other hand to stimulate the “outer” clit or use this technique during intercourse.

If you try all of this sinful sex tips then you’re sure to get your girl back in the sack because she will be so satisfied she wont be able to stay away!

Small Vibes, –Great Pleasure

Tuesday, December 21st, 2010

102635They say great things come in small packages. Vibrators are no exception. Women’ crave all kinds of satisfaction (free porn included), and with a little exploration, a woman can find the right vibes to trip her trigger.

One of the more clever things to emerge in the sex toy industry is the practice of making vibrators that look like something else entirely. It doesn’t have to look like a big, vibrating wand or a big black cock. Some are made to look like hairbrushes or other common household items. A vibrator that looks and feels like a lipstick could be the perfect little travel toy. It’s pointed “lipstick” end can produce surprisingly strong vibrations. Angled the right way with consistent pressure, a stealthy woman can count on hot orgasmic waves, maybe even while taking a short break from her busy day at work.

Egg-shaped vibes are relatively small and also good for clit stimulation. With somewhat of a broader surface area, they can roll over the clit and give some very intense stimulation. If it is the type with a strong and reliable cord, it can be inserted into the vagina for internal vibrations as well. This type of model comes in an array of shapes besides the egg. The vibrating shape and its cord terminate with a handy speed control unit that a woman can experiment with or give over to her partner for some surprising sensations.

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Another development that is especially nice is the rise of vibrating toys in regular old drug stores. Sold as massagers, these fun things can look like small hand-held wands with round bulbs, giant jacks that look similar to non-vibrating professional massage tools, or a convenient array of other shapes. It is true that you could work on any of your tired muscles with these devices, but it seems that the advertising is done with a nudge and a wink. The companies are probably pretty sure which “muscle” might be getting the most intense workout.

If a woman prefers the feeling of insertion, there are still more vibes to be found. Penis-shaped vibrators don’t have to be huge. In fact, one can find them as small as that vibrating lipstick, and can move up in length and girth as desired.

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Cunnilingus Could Save The World

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

images-1It simply might come down to something a woman might want so much because she can’t do it for herself. Sure men seek our blow-jobs all the time for this reason, but a blowjob is almost common place-it certainly is in porn – where cunnilingus isn’t something women talk too much about, or at least not to their lovers, but they do want it. In some cases the only way a woman can come with a partner is if that partner licks her clit or kisses her labia. But so many women are turned off to their partner’s lack of dropping or their own fear about their scent that they don’t ask for what they really need.

But cunnilingus could save the world …or at least some staid relationships. A man eating pussy will learn the nuisances of the vagina. He will get down close to it. See it for what it is and the veil of mystery of the folds, ridges, valleys and tips of flesh that is a woman’s vagina will be revealed. Though the man who goes down might not come away knowing his date any better having been down on her muffin but he will have a new perspective that what the woman has in her pants is not some unknown crevice where his cock simply thrusts, rubs and eventually cums in or his fingers get entangled inside.

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For the woman who is having their vag eaten, licked and attended to so lovingly by her man-or woman-they know that not only do they have their man-or woman’s-attention, but that they can relax basking in a moment that is wholly about them. Selfish as it is to lie back and let someone perform oral sex on you, it is needed from time to time for each sex to take as well as give. And for all too many women, fingers are simply not adept enough and a cock too rough-and usually too intent on its intent-to really provide the adequate time and maneuvers needed to really bring her to her best orgasm. Wet to wet, soft tongue to these softest pink parts and face to genitals, there is no better way to show intimacy and a overall caring for a woman’s pleasure then to put one’s face deep in her briny scent and lick her until she thrashes about the bed in ecstasy.

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Dating a Masturbator

Friday, December 10th, 2010

Whenever a new couple begins dating, there are all kinds of things yet to be discovered. What kind of sex you each like will sooner or later be on the agenda. A lot of people are just into garden variety fucking, but some have a specialty.

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What is it like to date a masturbator? Just about all men masturbate. For some it is a primary mode of sexual gratification. This is not to judge that orientation in any way. However, it may take some understanding and adjustment to make sure everyone is satisfied.

It may take a while for the real story to come out if a man is seriously into wanking. He may be performing great sex acts with the new girlfriend, saving his jacking off over pictures or his arsenal of sex toys for boys hidden, thinking his girlfriend wouldn’t understand. He may have trouble ejaculating inside of her, and she may wonder if she is lacking something. Hopefully, they will each share their real sexual interests with one another – before she finds the stacks of splooge-covered magazines in his closet.

Once the secret is out, there are lots of fun things the couple can do to incorporate his penchant for stroking into their sex life. Both of them may really get off on fucking her, then pulling out at the last moment to spray cum all over her tits. He may like the feeling of a hand on his cock in general, so a hand job from her might be what he craves. The couple may enjoy sweet foreplay and licking before lying back and watching each other get themselves off. The image of her rubbing her clit might fuel his masturbating for another time. They both might love it when he flips her over and strokes off on her while her ass is high in the air. She may find out his most prevalent fantasies and talk dirty to him while he brings himself to the brink.

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So, what to do with a masturbator? A woman should do with him what she would do with any new partner—Take time to find out likes and dislikes. Together, a couple can figure out how much fucking, sucking, and erotic alone time is needed by each.

The Top Reasons To Masturbate

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

Woody Allen famously said, “Don’t knock masturbation; It’s sex with someone I love.” Whether it be all by your lonesome or incorporated into sex with a partner, do like Woody and love yourself! There is no greater pleasure than that.

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Do it when you’re about to fall asleep. I started choking the chicken at bed time at the young age of 14 because that’s the only time I could get some privacy. Somewhere along the way bed time became linked hand in hand with sexy time and now it’s hard for me to have a good nights rest without it! Which could be a good thing or a bad thing, I’m still trying to figure that out.

Do it when you wake up. Nothing says “Good morning world!” quite like a solo quickie first thing in the morning. It’s a proven fact that is yields the same endorphins as a morning jog would without the whole getting out of bed thing. The trick here is, however, to get out of bed as soon as your done or else you will easily fall back asleep.

There is no safer sex in the entire universe than having a night with just you and your hand. Good bye pregnancy! See ya STDS!

There are often times when intense horniness and extreme laziness strike at the exact same moment. When that situation arises it’s best to wrap some limbs around a partner and slowly diddle yourself to a dreamland, however, a lot of people are not comfortable with letting someone watch you do it. Many feel vulnerable and exposed and refrain from doing it, when it can actually be very hot and sweet.

Masturbation is a great way to bridge the gap between two lovers who are trying their shot at a long distance relationship. Whether it be phone sex or Skype sex, it can actually bring some passion into the relationship despite being 3,000 miles apart.

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It is totally impossible to get bored hanging out alone when you have the ability to beat the meat, clutch the camel, flog the log, or whatever you want to call it while watching some free porn on your laptop.

Are you a procrastinator? Then you should try your shot at procrasturbation. It’s a combination of procrastination and masturbation and it will only help in getting your history paper in on time.

Whether it be Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday; they’re all great days to get a little masturbation time in.

Wind Blowing The Sail On Your Mast: Putting The Fun Back Into Masturbation

Sunday, November 14th, 2010

Masturbation is the most common sexual activity in the world – even men with girlfriends and wives often masturbate more often than they have straight up sex. Despite this fact, masturbation is rarely discussed, and has become a neglected part of a healthy sex life. Knowing how to take care of yourself is crucial, so we’ve come up with some solutions to make your masturbatory routine a more varied and tactile experience.

#1 The Fleshlight: While the fleshlight is the most costly suggestion on our list, it’s also the most rewarding. Shaped like a flashlight, the fleshlight is made of plastic that feels nearly like human skin. No word of a lie, sticking your cock in the vaginal opening for a quick fuck is magic. If you have the resources, we recommend the fleshlight for a reality based experience.

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#2 Apple Pie: American Pie popularized the hot apple pie technique years ago, however it’s now seen as a masturbation cliche. There’s no reason for this, as pie a perfectly viable way to get your rocks off (did I mention it was warm too?). Just remember to pull out before you bust a nut though, you wouldn’t want to add any special sauce to Sunday night’s desert.

#3 The Mattress Technique: This is the real reason box-springs were invented: just slip your cock between your mattress and box-spring and start fucking – and you’ll see what we mean. Pure bliss!

#4 A Bag of Vaseline: If you’re not a fan of the mattress technique above, it’s probably because you don’t like your masturbation quite as rough as we do. For those who aren’t satisfied with a rough ride, we recommend the good ol’ baggy of vaseline. It’s smooth, silky and sensual without too much mess (as long as you pick an appropriate bag).

#5 The Old Standard: With all of our tried and true methods, don’t forget that sometimes it’s great to masturbate with a clenched fist. It’s God’s way – so pump your penis hard with this old school technique on Sundays! Over and out.

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The Evolution of the Vibrator

Wednesday, October 20th, 2010

As long as humans have had dicks and vaginas, we’ve found outside ways to stimulate them. Dating back to the Victorian era, the first vibrator ever was created, however it was aimed at curing a disease that didn’t even exist.

Since masturbation in the 19th century was considered very taboo, the very first vibrators weren’t marketed as such. Instead, they were sold as medical devices used to treat “hysteria”. And hysteria being something that chicks came down with if they hadn’t gotten their rocks off in a while.

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Apparently, hysteria was caused by the retention of “female semen”, which could get into the blood stream and corrupt it, so it had to be let loose of course.

Doctors would stimulate the vag until the chick would orgasm. But, their hands would often get tired quickly, so this is how the vibrator came into existence!

Ultimately, vibrators have been around longer than electricity has. The first model came out in 1734 and was operated by a crank. Electricity is what really brought them to the mainstream.

One of the first mechanical vibrators was the steam powered Manipulator. This monstrous machine hid its engine in another room with the apparatus sticking through the wall. Fucking scary.

The modern day vibrator has come along way from the big, bulky, scary looking ones. They don’t require a whole fricken room to run properly. Secondly, they can be bought for their intended use of pleasure and orgasms, instead of pretending like they’re curing a disease that isn’t even real. Also, they are made for comfort and the plastic and moulding makes them feel a lot less like a cold machine that should be found outside in the shed.

We are lucky that we live in a time where watching porn and playing with yourself is becoming more and more acceptable. Before we know it, the future of the vibrator will be a chip implanted into our genital areas that will stimulate them whenever we press a button. Sounds pretty good to me.

Anti-Masturbation Contraptions Of The Past

Wednesday, October 13th, 2010

Masturbation hasn’t always been so popular or easily accepted as it is today(provided it remains confined between closed doors). Products that claimed to prevent you from “self abuse” were all the range in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Here, we take a look at some of the most outrageous – and painful – anti-masturbation contraptions in history.

1. The Jugum Penis – Once upon a time, nocturnal “emissions” were considered to cause a disease called “spermatorrhoea”. While nowadays we understand that this so-called “disease” was really just another word for ‘wet dreams’, men living in the Victorian era were provided with The Jugum Penis, an apparent cure for “spermatorrhoea”. Made out of a metal ring, the device – which resembles a small bear trap – was placed around the base of the penis and held in place by a clip. If a man was to get an erection, the contraption would then snap shut, likely causing a great deal of pain for the “patient”.

2. The Mechanical Sheath – In a nutshell, this device was essentially a chastity belt for men. Positioned over the penis, it was literally impossible to remove without pain or “possible mutilation”. The only way out of this trap, was through a tiny and unique key. Losing it, meant giving up on your sex life altogether.

3. Graham Cracker – Despite still serving as a popular pie crust, Graham Crackers – developed by Sylvester Graham in 1837 – was originally meant to ward off masturbation. Apparently, eating the extremely bland cracker would drastically decrease your lust , thus lowering your “vital fluids”. Now you’ll think twice before eating a s’more.

4. The Bowen Device – Here’s an alternative to shaving you’ll be glad not to have experienced. Despite looking rather tame, The Bowen Device works by clinging to pubic hair. Once the user gets an erection, hairs get ripped out in the process. Razors have never sounded so good.

5. Electric Anti-Masturbation Machine – Unlike what you may think, this contraption wouldn’t necessarily electrocute penises after an erection. Built in France in 1915, it would instead set off an alarm whenever a man had a boner. While I don’t necessarily understand who would volunteer to walk around with a boner announcer, the humiliation aspect alone is sure to have steered them off of masturbating.