The worst thing happened. I went out with my buddies. Fine. Great. We go out all the time. However, this time it was for a bachelor party. My friend Dumb-fry (his last name is Dumfries, naturally we had to give him a nickname) finally found some chick who could tolerate his addiction to Star Trek The Next Generation and the Indianapolis Colts. He proposed. She said yes. Now it’s ten months later and Dumb-fry is about to tie the knot. Cut to last night. There was beer. There was a celebrity. There was champagne. There were strippers. And then there was me waking up this morning with a bucket of yuck in my bed. Damn you beer goggles!
I was awakened this morning by heavy breathing. This was not your run of the mill snoring, this sound was akin to the noises an asthmatic pug emits after being walked. Not quite wheezing, not quite gasping for air, not quite human. I don’t even know if pug’s can have asthma but my friend has one and it’s always short of breath. Anyway, there was a noise coming from the other side of the bed and at first I just lay there mentally readying myself to face whatever poor asthmatic soul was sharing my bed. I tried to piece together the evening through a throbbing headache (I consumed a lot of liquor last night, probably on the same level as Keith Richards’ circa 1974). There was a blonde. She was flirting with me. She may have been one of the strippers. She had these XXX pasties on that shook when she danced. Yes! That’s the girl who’s beside me. I smiled and rolled over.
And then I screamed. It was not my proudest moment. My mother raised me well, or at least I thought she did until I screamed at a woman. You’re not supposed to do that. In my defense she wasn’t like the chicks I usually get busy with. I’m not shallow, I don’t always go for the airbrushed porno beauty like Avy Scott. I go for the babes that make me laugh and have big tits (okay, that’s a little shallow). Well, this chick had bit tits all right. She also had a giant fupa (fat upper pussy area), cankles and about 200 pounds on me. After hearing my bloodcurdling scream, the rhino stirred and slowly opened her eyes.
“Morning,” she grunted with a voice that can only be described as belonging to a professional cigarette smoker or Courtney Love.
“Did we?” I asked uncertainly.
“Fucking right we did!” She barked and looked at me playfully.
I ran to the bathroom to throw up. Again, not my proudest moment but this girl was unreal. Not only was she the largest woman I’d ever seen, she was also the most unattractive. My beer goggles must’ve been on in full force last night because there’s no way I’d have gotten busy with a chick like that under normal circumstances. I sent a group text to my entire crew demanding to know who let me go home with Pizza the Hut. I got mostly “LOL” and “HAHAHA SUCK IT BRO” responses until finally, I get this gem from Dumb-fries: “The linebacker you fucked is_____’s sister”. I don’t want to mention who this beastly woman is related to because he’s kind of been a hero of mine but let’s just say that he’s famous and makes action movies.
The moral of this story: Don’t drink everything that’s put in front of you at a bachelor party because you’ll end up having XXX porno sex with a hippo.
Ps, she’s still here. I can’t get her out of my bed. I’m in the living room now furiously typing out this blog and she’s wheezing. FML.